My so-long rant

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by free_spirit92, Nov 27, 2010.

  1. free_spirit92

    free_spirit92 New Member

    I made this account quite a while ago, when I was feeling pretty down, so I'd read some good advice and feel better. Actually, I'm lying. I wanted to kill myself that day. You could say this forum saved my life.

    Down part is, it wasn't the first time I wanted to kill myself, nor was it the last.

    You could say I've had a pretty difficult emotional life. I've been through two depressions in my 18 years and this second one has been going on for nearly two years. I haven't told my parents about this because... well, let's just say they are not the most understanding people. They're actually the main cause for my unhappiness.

    I've never been the popular chick. Back in secondary school I was fat, had an unibrow, so shy you could barely get a word out of me and definitely not the most attractive person. I had so much trouble finding a friend and when I did I discovered she was just using me for homework and was always making fun of me behind my back. Nobody in my class had found it necessary to tell me this and I spent my last year of secondary school alone and not talking to anyone more than absolutely necessary. Now that I think about it, it wasn't the best thing to do but I hurt so much. That's when I first started cutting too. The scars on my forearms are very hard to see now but they always seem to remind me of that time.

    Then came high school. I made sure to lose contact with all my ex-classmates and decided to start over. By the time half of my freshman year had passed I already had three or four friends and I couldn't be happier. I still was far from popular or pretty, but I didn't need anything more then.

    Long story short, these new friends weren’t what they seemed to be either and at the beginning for sophomore year we all had a big fight and I alienated myself from them too. For nearly half a year I stood alone in the desk furthest away from the rest of the class and practiced my 'no talking to anyone unless absolutely necessary' game. It felt like secondary school all over again. That's when I started cutting again. That's when the bullying started too. Over my weight, over the fact that I didn’t like to talk to people, the ‘popular guys’ always found something to pick on me with.

    In the end I couldn't take it anymore and apologised to those people for something I still feel robbed about. Out of that lot I became best friends with one girl over the years. She's pretty damaged herself, but I've come to accept her for that as long as she accepted me.

    Now I'm in my senior year and my depression is at its peak. This year I've tried all I could to act normal and look pretty. I've lost nearly 30 pounds, I've plucked my eyebrows, I've dyed my hair red. I've manipulated my personality so that I seem happy and easy-going even and especially when I'm not. Unfortunately, that has generated a side effect of lying uncontrollably, even when I want to be honest and tell the truth. On the other side, I've also picked up some not so pretty habits over the last six months. I can now ‘pride’ myself with smoking, drinking whenever I feel I can't take life, experimenting with over-the-counter and prescription drugs. I'm not proud of myself, but I can't find any other ways to deal.

    Oh, this is where you'll probably mention my friend. Here comes another thing that's been bothering me for a long while. You guessed it, the classical 'I've been single all my life!' rant. You see, my friend (and just about any girl I know) has had several boyfriends by now. But not me. And, although people tell me I'm not ugly I still feel very so. That, and my so fucked up personality. You have by now probably detected controlling, whiny, negativistic and so on traits in my rant. Well, it seems all bad personality traits have decided to rest on my arse. The only good trait about myself that crosses my mind nowadays is my intelligence and I'm not very sure of that either.

    So, back to the story... My best friend has found herself a boyfriend for a couple of months now (I'm very happy for her, honestly, and they are very compatible). In the beginning she told me that this doesn't change a thing about us, I'm still her best friend. Now I'm starting to doubt that. I could be seen as a very clingy person. I'm still shy in new situations and can have a panic attack when I find myself not knowing what to do. That is why I need her to be around me, to feel that at least something is familiar in strange situations. She said she gets it but I'm starting to doubt that.

    Right at this moment, my classmates, along with my friend and her boyfriend are on a class trip to the mountainside and I couldn't go. Why couldn't I go? Because when I asked my friend if she could share a room with me (she was planning on sharing with her boyfriend) she told me no, and not to get permanently in her hair because she wants to be alone. Come on, you don't go on a trip with 30 other people to be alone. There's only one other girl from my class who went on the trip and she's also sleeping with her boyfriend. So, this kind of amplifies my down mood about being single.

    So I haven't spoken to her since Wednesday. I haven't called her or any other person who went on the trip to ask how things are because I'm afraid I'll break down crying on the phone and won't be able to stop. I have felt so lonely these past few days and I know it won't be the last time. My friend will only push me further for her boyfriend and no changes I make to myself will make me more likeable. I guess I'm hopeless...

    I thank anyone who took the time to read all that, I realise it must have been a bum, but I just need to let it all out for once.
  2. betteroffunknown

    betteroffunknown Well-Known Member

    :welcome: to the forum. Sorry you're having such a tough time. Highschool days are tough. I recall them quite vividly although they were many moons ago. :rolleyes:

    As I read your thread here and you were sharing about being whining and controlling things the first thing that came to mind was that I see those more as behaviors not as personality traits. You sound like a very sensitive young lady with a lot of perseverance.

    It can be hard to reach out, but it's important to remember that though that we're not going to click with everyone...Ive had far more aquaintances than Ive ever had friends. I don't think it's the quantity of friends one has, but the quality of them. They haven't happened often for me personally, but when I have been fortunate to meet a good one it's made a huge difference.

    I never had a bf in highschool either, but for me it didn't bother me a bit. I had enough going on I didn't want my life complicated with a relationship of that sort. Believe me when I got out from those walls of highschool it was like the floodgates opened with opportunities to date. Id encourage you to try not to get too discouraged about that just yet. There's a much bigger world out there than just behind the walls of highschool.

    I do hope that you'll take care, and again we're glad you're here. Feel free to pm if you'd like, anytime too.
  3. Mary

    Mary Guest

    I came on this board with difficulties as well. And wouldn't you know my heart goes out to everyone else and I am not thinking about my crap as much (although my back hurts a bit!).

    But! I wanted to reply to your eloquent post by saying that you are a very perceptive and skilled writer. I so enjoyed 'seeing' everyone in your story. You did a good job of fleshing out each character.

    As my husband would say, 'true that!' Your friend wasn't thinking clearly when she didn't make sure that there was room for everyone (you included). All I can say is, 'dumb ass!' Your analysis is spot-on and unless you are a major party-pooper - she should have recognized how important such a trip is to everyone. It could be that you might have pushed the clingy thing too much and she was just exhausted by you. However, your analysis is so strong and self-reflective, that I figure you might rather be a very good friend to have.

    I remember with fondness the few class-trips we all took in grade school and high school... and I am sorry to hear that you weren't able to make it.

    Well! I wrote more than I thought I would. BTW, I not only passed down uni-brows to my boys, but also hair on their noses! We all have our tweezers poised at any time to take care of things.

    I just lost a tooth in the front of my mouth. By the grace of God, I was able to get a 'flipper' but it means that I don't talk as clearly because the damn thing is in the top of my mouth. I have no money (just lost my job) and I am trying to keep a household together and I have no clue how things will work out. Do you know how sad a 'toothless grin' is? I feel so embarrassed and ashamed that I wasn't able to keep the cavity in check before losing the whole tooth. My husband has over $1,000 in child support taken from his check every month and brings home far less than an 18 year old working at McDonalds. (This is just the tip of the iceberg)

    You were very mature about the uni-brow (etc). BTW, regarding weight, check into the book (since you are so well-written - you clearly must research things well) - anyway, check out the Paleo Solution. This book will change your life. How we feel physically affects how we feel mentally.

    Best regards! I know you will be just fine - you've got a lot going 4 yourself.

  4. free_spirit92

    free_spirit92 New Member

    Thank you for the warm welcome :) Oh, high school is hell... The moment I'll see myself entering University I'll feel like the world has just got a tiny bit more bearable. I never wanted to have a ton of friends (my pessimistic part can't help but add 'More people to stab you behind your back'), I just never seem to find a friendship that lasts. Sometimes I feel like I always seem to bring out the bad in people, because in the end they always seem like worse persons than when I first meet them. As for having a boyfriend, I have much on my plate too, with it being senior year, exams, applying for University, etc. Having a boyfriend could only complicate things, I agree. But I just feel bad for never being approached by boys, while it happens all the time to other girls I know. It makes me feel like there's something very wrong with me. I also feel so damn lonely on a Saturday night, when all of my acquaintances are out with their loved one and I'm stuck in front of the computer with a beer and a cigarette...

    Wow, just now I notice that I wrote everything like a story, and not like something that has happened to me. It just has the air of a well concocted lie. I might seem like I'm lying even when I'm telling the truth now >_<
    About the trip, it might be partly my fault, too. At first I didn't want to go, because half of the people that went are my oh-so-adored bullies but with time I changed my mind because I didn't want to spend four days home, alone with my parents. She had already arranged with her boyfriend, but they would also share with his guy friends. So it wasn't like they would be having intimacy, it would only be harder for her to change, shower, and so on. Even now I didn't understand why she insisted to share with them.
    I guess I can be pretty clingy, but I've tried to counter that with being there for my friend whenever she needed me. I just hoped she'd do the same for me, but she's turned me down several times, just when I needed her a lot.
    Uni-brows, along with other unwanted body hair, are a pain XD I probably spend 4-5 hours a week just waxing and plucking hair in the summer...
    I'm so sorry for your tooth :( I kind of have the same problem. When I have a cavity I don't go to the dentist until it hurts like hell. I have a very odd fear of dentists >.>
    I'll make sure to check out that book, if I can find it. Thank you for the suggestion! :)
  5. betteroffunknown

    betteroffunknown Well-Known Member

    Hey there. Im sorry to hear you feel so lonely. Ive been there too. I never got asked out in hs either, but I went to a very small (21 people in my graduating class) private school. I guess you could say I was the black sheep although I really wasnt. Maybe you could consider something like volunteering at a hospital or shelter or something of this nature. Would help get you out, and its a respectable thing to do. Its also benificial for everyone including yourself. None of my friends have remained in my life whether it was me, them or growing apart. I simply cherish the good memories, and pass such types of things along to the next good one. Each one Ive used to help me learn how to become a better friend. Its also helped me to define that which I dont want in one. Its important not to give up the hope that theres a good, steady, and healthy friend out there for you cause there is! I know cause Ive finally made some myself. Hang in there! Youll remain in my thoughts. Take good care!
  6. Avarice

    Avarice Well-Known Member

    That sucks. High school can be a bitch, I remember. I used to have a small handful of guy friends and one single girl friend, and like in your situation she often had boyfriends and I never had any. In the end she dropped out of high school 'cause of depression and I was left alone with the guys. Guess me telling you this is pointless, but wanted to say I understand the feelings you're going through, especially the lack of guys interest thing. I have the too much hair problem too not to mention very oily skin and constantly greasy hair no matter how much I wash it.

    End of the day though, the thing I learnt since leaving high school is that you'll barely ever see those people ever again, so just let yourself go and do whatever YOU want to do. It's hard to do I know but you're holding yourself back for a bunch of assholes you don't like let alone care about so say eff you to the bullies and idiotic friends and just be yourself no matter what. If guys don't like you, their loss, you'll find someone who wants you eventually. People in high school, especially guys, are mostly just looking to get laid or are just plain immature anyway. You're better off without.

    I probably didn't help, so sorry about that, just sharing my experiences and what I've learnt since.