I made this account quite a while ago, when I was feeling pretty down, so I'd read some good advice and feel better. Actually, I'm lying. I wanted to kill myself that day. You could say this forum saved my life. Down part is, it wasn't the first time I wanted to kill myself, nor was it the last. You could say I've had a pretty difficult emotional life. I've been through two depressions in my 18 years and this second one has been going on for nearly two years. I haven't told my parents about this because... well, let's just say they are not the most understanding people. They're actually the main cause for my unhappiness. I've never been the popular chick. Back in secondary school I was fat, had an unibrow, so shy you could barely get a word out of me and definitely not the most attractive person. I had so much trouble finding a friend and when I did I discovered she was just using me for homework and was always making fun of me behind my back. Nobody in my class had found it necessary to tell me this and I spent my last year of secondary school alone and not talking to anyone more than absolutely necessary. Now that I think about it, it wasn't the best thing to do but I hurt so much. That's when I first started cutting too. The scars on my forearms are very hard to see now but they always seem to remind me of that time. Then came high school. I made sure to lose contact with all my ex-classmates and decided to start over. By the time half of my freshman year had passed I already had three or four friends and I couldn't be happier. I still was far from popular or pretty, but I didn't need anything more then. Long story short, these new friends weren’t what they seemed to be either and at the beginning for sophomore year we all had a big fight and I alienated myself from them too. For nearly half a year I stood alone in the desk furthest away from the rest of the class and practiced my 'no talking to anyone unless absolutely necessary' game. It felt like secondary school all over again. That's when I started cutting again. That's when the bullying started too. Over my weight, over the fact that I didn’t like to talk to people, the ‘popular guys’ always found something to pick on me with. In the end I couldn't take it anymore and apologised to those people for something I still feel robbed about. Out of that lot I became best friends with one girl over the years. She's pretty damaged herself, but I've come to accept her for that as long as she accepted me. Now I'm in my senior year and my depression is at its peak. This year I've tried all I could to act normal and look pretty. I've lost nearly 30 pounds, I've plucked my eyebrows, I've dyed my hair red. I've manipulated my personality so that I seem happy and easy-going even and especially when I'm not. Unfortunately, that has generated a side effect of lying uncontrollably, even when I want to be honest and tell the truth. On the other side, I've also picked up some not so pretty habits over the last six months. I can now ‘pride’ myself with smoking, drinking whenever I feel I can't take life, experimenting with over-the-counter and prescription drugs. I'm not proud of myself, but I can't find any other ways to deal. Oh, this is where you'll probably mention my friend. Here comes another thing that's been bothering me for a long while. You guessed it, the classical 'I've been single all my life!' rant. You see, my friend (and just about any girl I know) has had several boyfriends by now. But not me. And, although people tell me I'm not ugly I still feel very so. That, and my so fucked up personality. You have by now probably detected controlling, whiny, negativistic and so on traits in my rant. Well, it seems all bad personality traits have decided to rest on my arse. The only good trait about myself that crosses my mind nowadays is my intelligence and I'm not very sure of that either. So, back to the story... My best friend has found herself a boyfriend for a couple of months now (I'm very happy for her, honestly, and they are very compatible). In the beginning she told me that this doesn't change a thing about us, I'm still her best friend. Now I'm starting to doubt that. I could be seen as a very clingy person. I'm still shy in new situations and can have a panic attack when I find myself not knowing what to do. That is why I need her to be around me, to feel that at least something is familiar in strange situations. She said she gets it but I'm starting to doubt that. Right at this moment, my classmates, along with my friend and her boyfriend are on a class trip to the mountainside and I couldn't go. Why couldn't I go? Because when I asked my friend if she could share a room with me (she was planning on sharing with her boyfriend) she told me no, and not to get permanently in her hair because she wants to be alone. Come on, you don't go on a trip with 30 other people to be alone. There's only one other girl from my class who went on the trip and she's also sleeping with her boyfriend. So, this kind of amplifies my down mood about being single. So I haven't spoken to her since Wednesday. I haven't called her or any other person who went on the trip to ask how things are because I'm afraid I'll break down crying on the phone and won't be able to stop. I have felt so lonely these past few days and I know it won't be the last time. My friend will only push me further for her boyfriend and no changes I make to myself will make me more likeable. I guess I'm hopeless... I thank anyone who took the time to read all that, I realise it must have been a bum, but I just need to let it all out for once.