my sob story...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by cole624, Jun 12, 2014.

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  1. cole624

    cole624 Member

    well i guess i might as well spill it from the beginning. and yeah i already know that plenty got it worse than me so now that that's outta the way let's take it from the top!
    i was 10 years old when my parents split. this was after me screaming like a brat that they should get a divorce after every fight, what i said were only words to a 10 year old, i didnt think they would listen. in the long run it doesnt make adifference, havent talked to my old man in about a year and before that were just few words here and there. anyways, that time of my life was pretty bad, first time i was ever depressed, my brothers called it a pity party so since then i keep my "pity parties" to myself, only a very select few know im depressed and only one person knows i want to die (still want to die at least we will get to that shortly).
    in absence of my biological father, an elderly family friend stepped up to the plate and took on the role of mentor/father/counselor ect. though i didnt know what he was to me till after he died. i was 14. a month after my "father" died i attempted suicide by trying to<mod edit- methods>. God was cruel that day had cut myself as well so the <mod edit>but my mom walked in on me, she didnt even knock, i love my mother dearly and seeing the look on her face as i brought my head out from the water is still with me. she called the cops and i was sent to fairfax hospital. im told i was there for only 2 weeks but it felt like months. i missed the old guy who i looked up to so much, sometimes i would yell at God out loud. when i got out i felt worse than when i got in i was going to kill myself for sure when i got out. but it never happened, i found myself to a church and after a little bit met a girl. instantly infatuated with each other we eventually started dating behind her fathers back. if i did not meet her i would be dead right now.her dad eventually found out about us after reading some less than innocent text messages between us and split us up. we would always get back together, sometimes not seeing each other months at a time. but by then i genuinely loved her, and she might have even genuinely loved me. we talked about marriage and having kids but we were young stupid and horny. we didnt know anything or at least i didnt. the last time i saw her she said she loved me and i thought i would see her in a week or so later. i didnt, her father foumd out again and did EVERYTHING to make sure we didnt see each other again blocked me from all forms of communication with her and everything and shortly after he died of kidney related illness, but he didnt have to block me. her friends relayed a few messages from her after a lot of pressure from me and it was clear she was through with me. we dated for 3 years and i havent seen her in 2 years. i love her every bit, if not, more than when i last saw her. apparently she has had at least one boyfriend since. cant blame her its been 2 years since. i have done everything to try and forget her, but i cant, i dream about her think about her at work, i look up at the sky and think she might be looking at the same sky as me. anyways im back to where i started before i met her. i dont blame her for a thing. i made it this far because of her, if i end it now it will not be her fault.
    anyways at present i got a good job, my own car, apartment, 20 years old should be living life to the fullest but im miserable thinking i might just need a stranger to talk to. i promised her i wouldnt kill myself but that was a promise i made to her 3 years ago and we have both broken promises since not sure if i can keep this one
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 13, 2014
  2. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    it sounds like you have had a lot happen in your life and I cannot blame you for feeling like it is getting all too much, you have struggled for years like myself and you made a special promise you are trying to keep and I truly hope you do keep it.

    You started by saying “people have it worse etc”, well yes some people may have had a worse or better life, that does not matter what is important is that it is you this is affecting and how you feel so please do not belittle it.

    I think you have perhaps bottled all this up for so long, and now you can no longer keep it in, I would say keep venting here, and do what you need to to keep safe. Sorry I don’t have words of advice, but I hope it is some comfort that you are not alone and people care, and above all want to see you happy.

    Take care

    Rich
     
  3. cole624

    cole624 Member

    thanks rich, and yeah i do keep a lot bottled up but i guess thats almost a form of etiquette huh. so yeah i might keep venting here, might not. who knows.
    but thanks for caring
     
  4. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Sometimes just talking to a stranger can work wonders- just able to actually talk - and I hope this is the case with you. Keep talking to us- you have had some rough times and deserve a chance to be heard. Most here can understand parts of what you have been facing and it is not easy and trying to face it alone is even harder.


    I do not have any real sage advice for you that you will not have heard or thought of yourself but you have despite these issues managed to get a pretty good start on life so instead of giving up on it hopefully you find some ways to just enjoy it more.

    Take Care and Be Safe

    Ben
     
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