Someday, near or far, I will realize: I am not perfect & my flaws are what makes me beautiful. I don't need to be overly analytical & must accept that I should not sweat the small stuff. I am the one who controls my future & I can't depend on family, friends, or my boyfriend. I am intelligent. I have no right to try & change the person who loves me most, my boyfriend. I have no right to treat people like they do not matter & I am no better and no worse than the are; I am equal with them. Everyone has their quirks about them; Everyone is unique in one way or another & I should love them regardless. I am full of emotions & I am NOT "emotion-less" as I claim to be; I am just better at hiding how I feel or ignoring it. I am not someone to fear & that I am someone to love. It is okay to cry in front of others & that hidden tears sometimes cause more inner problems; It is okay to show the world that I am hurting. Alcohol is not the best way to forget I exist for a moment in time. I hurt people with the words I speak & the actions I perform. I have no right to get angry with people who offer their help, which I turn down time after time again & again; A person, even someone who loves us, can only handle so much. Plus, I must keep in mind, it is hurting them just as much to see me depressed. I am my only heroine; I am the only person who is going to "save me." I am amazing; I am someone special. I make mistakes & I learn from them; The ability to comprehend & learn is something to value about myself. The past is the past, LET IT GO & move on to a brighter future. My abortion was not a second chance, but a decision I made & must come to terms with. A healthy relationship is possible, but it does not revolve around sex, abuse, & the work of one person; It really does take two to make things work. I am not a bad girlfriend. I can be an outstanding girlfriend if I learned how to deal with my depression in a better way. My boyfriend is not a target; He does not wear a bull's eye on his heart. Brian & I were never meant to be; Dave was a great guy, but we were young; Matt is a complete pot head with a major addiction to sex; Jim is sad & extremely two-faced; NONE of these guys deserve my heart, my love, & most of all my happiness. Brandon is the best person to step into my life & I should be more grateful & appreciate all that he does for me, esp. the way he loves me. Looks aren't everything, but they attract. A person's personality matters more than their appearance. Everyone is beautiful, in their own ways. This world is way too vain & I must learn to deal with that because it is out of my control. I am STILL beautiful. This list could go on & on because there are so many things I need to realize as I grow up, but I'm only 20. I am young & I have [hopefully if God has it planned that way for me] a long time left to live. What I need to realize most is, if I rush through life & try grow up faster than the years pass, I'm going to end up having nothing left to live for. I'm going to die [not physically speaking] before my time is really up. My biggest want right now is to be pregnant. Hormones? Grief from my abortion? Envy of other young mothers? I don't know. But either way, at this point in my life, it wouldn't be fair to bring a child into my world. It also wouldn't be fair to me or my boyfriend. We are both young. We want to experience so much of our youth together, esp. by traveling. I wish I could calm this want - this urge to become a parent - but I am finding it difficult. I have all the time in the world to become a mother. There is so much left for me to do & see. Just needed to vent.