my soul crushing experience that put the final nail in the coffin

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by noisserped, Dec 12, 2008.

  1. noisserped

    noisserped Guest

    I've been heavily depressed for a long time. Years and years. I won't go into detail (and it's bad) but I've never really hard friends, let alone a girlfriend. I've spent a lot of time in isolation from people, just because I hated myself so much. I felt completely unlovable by everyone. I couldn't even imagine someone being attracted or in love with me, let alone having a friend. I despised myself so much. Late last year I'd fallen into my deepest episode of depression ever. On a daily basis I'd be locked in my room, crying my eyes out. That was not a good time.

    One day, out of the blue, a woman contacted me online. I didn't even know her, but we chatted a lot, and became fast friends. We'd even talked on the phone for hours. One day she told me that she had feelings for me, and honestly, I felt the same way. It was crazy. We grew so close. I'd never been so close to another person before, and especially not in this way. We'd talk on the phone for hours and hours. This was so unlike me. We talked about all the things we'd do when we were together, finally. She told me that all of her friends wanted to meet me, and she talked so highly about me to them. For the first time in my life, I felt like something was going well. This was just... amazing. To feel so connected with such an awesome person, it just peeled the depression away. Because of her, I wanted to become a better person. She was like an angel to me.

    After months of this, we decided that it could go on like this anymore. We had to meet, to solidify everything, and start our real relationship. I was so very, very nervous, and so was she. We lived quite far away from each other, and although I couldn't afford it, I spent a large sum of money for my ticket there. We planned on spending the two days together, and staying in a hotel room. To say I was nervous was an understatement, but I went through with it.

    As soon as I first met her face to face, I knew it wasn't good. She acted completely disinterested. There were a lot of awkward silences. The whole day felt like we were just trying to find things to do to kill time. This was not how I imagined it. I was extremely awkward, to the point where I ate only half of my meal at the restaurant we went to, and that was it, for 2 days. We stayed at the hotel, but again, very awkward. The next day she drove me back to the bus station, and dropped me off, gave me an awkward, forced hug, and that was it.

    I trudged my way into the station, sat in a chair, and I broke down. I fucking cried my eyes out in front of everyone. I literally had snot running down my face. There was nothing I could do. I have never, ever cried in public before, but this was just too much. I knew that was the end, and the best friendship I'd ever had, and ever will have, was gone. All the promises and things we'd do, gone. I was back where I was before I met her, except much, much worse. Before her, I didn't think it could get worse. Oh, but it could, and it did.

    I barely talked to her again. She called me once, for about 5 minutes, saying that she wasn't avoiding me, and was just busy. Yeah right. Somehow we started chatting one night, and I straight up asked her what the problem was with me. She said I looked different from my photos, and that she wasn't attracted to me. I could tell she had some sort of bitterness toward me. I had some toward her too. We ended up fighting, and that was pretty much it for months and months.

    Everything about this ordeal has destroyed me. It reinforced every horrible thing I thought about myself. I now know how utterly unlovable I am, and how my self isolation was for the best. I want nothing more than to end everything, because I can't live like this for the rest of my life knowing how much of a disaster I truly am. The very worst part is knowing that I was such a huge disappointment to her. That is what I hate. She built me up to her friends, as though I was this awesome guy. Even I started to believe it after a while. All I could think about was what she had to tell them. How disgusting and disappointing I was. This is definitely the worst part.

    The other day she contacted me again, asked how I was doing, and proceeded to tell me about how crazy and active her life is, how she has so many friends, and how she met a new guy that she's in love with. What the hell is that? Is she trying to hurt me even more? I was nice and pretended to be happy for her, but inside I wanted to yell and swear at her. Her life is going great, and I am suicidal, in the abyss. I somehow pretended I was okay, with the idea in my head that somehow things would go back to how they were. Stupid.

    I'm still in love with her, and it's been months. I don't even know if pouring my soul out has been a good idea. It almost feels like ripping the scab off of the wound. I don't feel better, I feel much worse... You wouldn't believe how much I've cried during the time I've been writing this. This has been bottled up for some time, and I've never recounted all the events and feelings like this before. Ugh.

    So, I'm back into the utter despair again, but now it's compounded. The best (and only) good and positive thing in my life came and left as quick as it came. I am so full of self hatred that it pours from me. I hate every single thing about myself. I know that I'll never be close to anyone. I am so alone, forever. I can have nothing that I want. I just want to go away.

    Sorry for the emo cryfest. This probably sounds so miniscule and petty, but it is unbelievably painful for me. :(
  2. NPNS

    NPNS Well-Known Member

    Hey hun. :hug: I'm sorry things didn't work out. I've been in that boat before. It's not nice. If you need to talk, feel free to PM me. x
  3. that doesnt sound small at all.
    that sounds like a huge set back to me.
    i hope you never have to go through anything like this again.
    i wish for your sake that you never had to in the first place!
  4. Clockwork Reality

    Clockwork Reality Well-Known Member

    I know a little how you feel. I got engaged to a woman when I was a senior in college, and we made plans to get married after she graduated (she was year younger than I.) After graduation, I got a job across the country, and she got involved with an ultra-conservative religious movement of which I didn't approve. I finally called off the engagement when she told me that she had spent the weekend burning Harry Potter books.

    I was heartbroken after that, and I just wanted to be left alone. But she persisted in wanting to "be friends." She would call me in the middle of the night when I was trying to sleep, drive across several states to see me on unannounced trips, e-mail me, and the like. Once she even took her new fiance to my mom's house (!) on an unannounced visit. This went on for years. Honestly, it was borderline stalking behavior and several of my friends wanted me to call the police on her.

    Finally, she called me in the middle of the night and managed to catch me when I was drunk. She started berating me for being drunk (she didn't approve of drinking alcohol,) and I finally snapped. I told her that I liked my alcohol and that she was the worst thing that had ever hapened to me. I told her to stay off my phone and keep the fuck away from my mom. I haven't heard from her since, although I checked out her myspace recently and she got married to somebody else .

    What I'm saying here is not to necessarily call up and yell at your ex. I regret that I snapped, but I was drunk and just finally had had enough after years of an emotional rollercoaster. What I am saying is that it sounds like you need proper closure from the relationship. You see, I had also held out for years, hoping that things would mend, that we'd be able to put aside our differences and somehow make a happy home. She kept pursuing me, messing with my feelings, and then backing away because I didn't or couldn't meet her expectations. Maybe she didn't know it, but it was cruel. And I, like a dumb forlorn schmuck, kept letting her do it.

    I regret that I was so blatant and mean on the phone, and that doesn't mean that you have to be. Let her know how you really feel, and I'm willing to bet that she would appreciate your honesty.

    It also solidified my outlook on life. I learned to take care of me, because I'm the only one who's gonna do it.

    And hey . . . this isn't the end. Far from it. What kind of things are you interested in? There's tons of women out there who share the same interest, and I've learned that a lot of girls are just waiting for somebody to show that they're interested in them.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 16, 2008
  5. Random

    Random Well-Known Member


    I can understand why this is so painful for you.

    Is it possible she didn't realize how sensitive you are or that you were depressed before? To some people, a situation like this is just another one that didn't work out. Some people wouldn't be bothered. Some people just don't realize how much of an impact they have on other people.