My start.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Sinful, Jul 18, 2007.

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  1. Sinful

    Sinful Member

    I'm not sure how to start. So I guess I'll wing it.

    I came to this site because I was too anxious to speak to anyone about this in person or anything that involves physical contact. Rather it be face to face or over voice. I don't think I'm over anxious. I can shake hands and meet people and what not. It's just that this situation I'm dealing with makes me not want to speak to anyone. And that is because I tried to and never gotten a satisfying feedback.

    I tried it once. Suicide that is. Pills. I was caught and was lead to the hospital. I say caught because I was in the middle of doing it when someone saw me and alerted help. And I'm not sure how far I want to go with this now. As I sit here and type all this I feel very much uncomfortable. I'm not sure why I'm still typing ...

    Damn it. Please excuse me. I'm not very good at explaining things. The way I write just pops out from my head and into the keyboard, so you'll probably see um's, er's, and uh's. Well, not really, but you get my point.

    I don't know what I'm looking for when I came here now that I think about it. I mean, I tried to talk about it like I wrote earlier and it didn't help. What am I looking for? For the longest time I felt death was the absolute bliss. why do I keep struggling this? Every night when I go to bed I have at least one fantasy, well I don't want to call it a fantasy. How about "just a thought?" I have just a thought about killing myself in various forms.

    Well, I didn't explain much and I'm truly sorry about that. Maybe I'll open up a little as I communicate with the community. I'll still be here If any late nighters or early morningers are on.
  2. Blackness

    Blackness Guest

    Welcome to SF Sinful,
    I know it's hard to write stuff down, but it's alot easier than talking to someone like you said. Everyone here is here to listen, help and give advice. It's up to you if you'd like to go into more depth about why you think about death and why it'd be bliss. You can share as little or as much as you like. Just know you're always welsome here. :)
  3. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    Welcome to SF hun...

    If you want to talk about anything feel free to pm me... i will always answer you back as long as i am here..

    love you..
  4. Sinful

    Sinful Member

    As I was lying down on my poor excuse of a bed, actually I shouldn't be complaining since I've slept on a floor for the most of my life.

    Anyway, as I was lying there thinking about those "bad thoughts" again like I always do and decided it was best to come back on here and continue my story. Especially having people responding to my earlier post. It was kinda nice having someone actually listening/reading ones own thoughts. I appreciate that Blackness and White Dove. I bow towards your gratitude and support. Your willingness to listen makes me want to continue. As I shall.

    I'm not sure where it began exactly. These feelings of self worthlessness. All I can remember was feeling crappy at certain points in my childhood. I choose the word "Crappy" because during that time I never understood the word Depression and suicidal. So I was walking around feeling "Crappy" and not knowing how to deal with it. Later on I decided to talk about it to my father. I remember the moment like it was yesterday. I was in a hotel room that was occupied by myself, him and my siblings.

    The couch was structure so that it was close to the television as close as possible. My father was sleeping on it and I entered the room. I sat on the floor behind the couch and began to cry. Shouting out gibberish of "Why me's" and "I want betterness." Well my "Cry for Help" was loud enough and woke my father and he said." Shut up. "I'm trying to sleep!" with an angered voice. That's when I knew, well rather, I felt that I shouldn't exposed my feelings to anyone since that moment.

    Now, please don't judge my father. I was just illustrating on why I feel uncomfortable talking about myself to anyone. I understood now that back then I wasn't the only one dealing with issues as my father was dealing with problems and that was trying to keep food in our bellies and a roof over our heads. I'm not using that as an excuse on what he did, but only to understand on why he did it. He was tired, life sucked then when we were young and he had myself and my brothers to take care of all by himself.

    It still sucked though. Wish he was at least a little considerate, but what's done is done right? Now I notice I have dwell too much into that part of my life and I'm going to stop typing here. Thanks for reading
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 20, 2007
  5. Sinful

    Sinful Member

    Well, here I am again. Don't know what to say. Is hope lost or was it never there in the first place? Am I so sad or am I just tired. Thoughts ramble through my head as if it were a washing machine. Pushing and shoving. Don't mix colors with whites or you'll have a red dye all over your white t-shirt. Dribble and dread. My eyes are in tunnel vision. For the longest time they were. I don't feel like I'm living the moment, but only observing it. Third person camera view as in most 3d video games, but this game has no extra lives to be found. Game over is Game over just like Triple H's Gimmick. Like Pro Wrestling? I sure do. Never call it fake because it is not. Scripted? Yes. Pre-determined? Yes. But never fake. Is life Fake? I'm not sure. What is fake? Not real. Am I not real? Are these feelings part of the Matrix. Crappy Movie I must say. Well, first one was good. The rest are crap. Only my opinion so don't consider it as fact. The fact is my eyes are groggy. Not a wink with them. Everything is blurry. Not by drugs. Drugs are bad. I still ware my D.A.R.E. T-shirt and keep the oath I pledge when I was young. Young... Only to be young again. When I was a child All I wanted to do is stay awake. Now as an adult. All I want to do is sleep.

    Sleep is for the weak they say. Who are they? Not I said the fly. These are the words of a depress man who a haven't slept in a while. Thanks for reading and thanks for anything else.
  6. Yeah I could tell that your last post was made from sleep deprivation. It's very familiar and I realize why: I've been there. So all I can say is that I hope you find SF to be a good place for expressing yourself, making friends &/or atleast finding people who can understand you & where you're coming from.
  7. Sinful

    Sinful Member

    What is this? Feelings. That word is used a lot. Feelings. I'm reminded of that song. I'm not sure who it was by. I guess I'll "google" it. Be right back...Guess what I didn't even bother to do look it up. I got side tracked to speak to a family member about my problems. Or try to. House is busy. People left and right in the way. Hope it will end soon so I may speak clearly. Correction again. Try to speak clearly. I still have tough times to talk about it. Thinking about calling that help number. Something in me felt that I should. Something tells me they will listen. Something also tells me they will not have the answer.

    Am I looking for the answer? Is there a definite answer? Questions, nothing but questions. Why am I so tired. Not just tired of life, but tired of of existing. Not just life. Beyond Life. Are these crazy thoughts? One who relates would probably say no. They have an idea of what's going on. I sure don't. I try not to say to others I understand because I truly don't.

    I truly do not know anything, but this...the feelings are getting stronger again.
  8. Sinful

    Sinful Member

    Are my gibberish misunderstandable? If that's even a word. It's not. Do I express differently? I agree. Does it get the message across? I'm not sure. What am I doing? Resting. Where am I? Here. Where is here? Life. What is life? Living. Why all these questions? I am confused.

    I sit here like many of you in the dark room. With my pj pants and my brown shirt that the military gave me. Good ol' Military. How I loved you so. Cold and tired, yet my mind is heated up and I cannot sleep it off. I chat, but do I really? I watch, but do I see anything? You know what? What? My gibberish is misunderstandable.
  9. I understand. Life is full of questions that no one can answer. All they can do is try. And trying can lead to failure, but trying can also lead to success. Life is so uncertain. :unsure:
  10. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Life is sure filled with questions which you can answer. I know that feeling to be lost, left alone, as if your the only one in the world. Worst place to be.

    The truth is that your not alone, you have people here now that will support you and comfort you. Hope you find your peace.
  11. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I am glad you have taken the time to write and share yourself with us sinful. You are not alone as long as you choose to stay here. We will support you and give you as many answers as we can. Many times the questions we have while we are depressed really have no answers, but we can reassure you that these questions are asked by many so you are not alone. I hope you will continue to post and get things out. When you try to go it alone and keep things bottled up inside, it festers like a woumd and finally gets to be too much until you explode. Please take care and stay safe. :hug:
  12. liveinhope

    liveinhope Well-Known Member

    A big :welcome:to SF you will find olts of people here to help and support you look forward to seeing you around the site:smile:
  13. Sinful

    Sinful Member

    Thanks for the responses people. I'll keep it short here then.

    I've attempted suicide once before.
    Since then I've felt like crap for the longest time.
    It's been 2 years since and not a night goes by that my body and mind urges it's conclusion.
    It feels like I'm waiting for something till the final outcome.
    So, pretty much I'm saying I'll eventually do it.
    That's a scary thought, yet I feel at ease when I think it.
    Strange...what to do?
    What to do?

    Geez, expressing myself feels difficult now. I think I'm done using my fingers and ready to use my voice.
  14. Sinful

    Sinful Member

    Well, I made a mistake in coming here so thanks all for your help and support, but this wasn't help at all and please don't wish me luck or safe trip as it won't mean a thing to me.
    Take care.
  15. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    please come back into chat and talk to us hun. you have done nothing wrong...come talk to us. :hug:
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