Hello everyone, My (long) story: I have been having suicidal thoughts on a daily basis for at least the last 6 years. I can't actually remember a time without them, but I know it has been at least that long. The thoughts are usually nothing intense enough where I actually think about going through with it, but there have been those days too. I have gone as far as doing research on the poisons that I have 24/7 access to because of my job and practicing with an unloaded gun. I have never had the guts to go through with it as I'm afraid of the pain and the risk of crippling myself for the rest of my life if my attempt were to fail. I hate myself as a person. From my perspective, the world would be a better place without me. I contribute very little to society as a whole, and I hate the things that I have done and continue to do to the people in my life. Every time I think back on my life, it depresses me how I've let down my wife, my friends, my family, and how I've lived contrary to the moral code that I believe. The guilt is crushing. As a result, I'm not a very happy person. Actually, I don't feel much of anything except for guilt, shame, fear, and anger these days. I mostly feel kind of empty and without emotion. It's very rare that I feel happy or excited. My wife complains that I'm like a robot. I know that killing myself would be cruel and unfair to the few who care about me, but the thought of them missing me is kind of appealing. I've often daydreamed about what my funeral would be like and how they might wish I was around after I'm gone. Perhaps my wife would find someone who actually knows how to be happy and who could bring joy to her life rather than being a joy killer like I am. I know that this is not correct thinking, but I'm just trying to share what has been going through my mind. I tend to have the most intense thoughts of suicide when I've been scolded by my wife for screwing something up or when I just get the feeling she doesn't even like me anymore. I have also had issues when I'm stressed about work or when I feel really alone and unappreciated. Having said all of that, I know that I lead a life that is better than I have done anything to deserve. I was raised by good parents, I have been afforded the privilege to get an education, I live in a free and prosperous country, and I've never been through any real adversity in life like so many others have. I've never been homeless or had lack for food. I know that these thoughts are wrong and that I should be thankful for the life I have been given. I have no right to complain. The only person that I've ever told about my suicidal thoughts is my wife. At the time (now almost 4 years ago), she wanted me to go to counseling, but I was reluctant. For one, I didn't want to take the time an money to do it, and I didn't want to admit that this was a problem I couldn't handle. I've since been lying to her saying that the thoughts aren't really happening anymore. I can't in good consciousness let her feel that weight. Everyone else thinks I'm fine and would probably tell you that I'm a generally happy person, but they only see what I let them see. So how do you battle your suicidal thoughts? Do you have any advise for me? Thank you for reading my story and for sharing your thoughts. I don't know why humans are this way, but it seems to be beneficial to tell someone these things, even if it is just a faceless stranger on the internet. I look forward to reading your thoughts.