My story and a request for advice on combating suicidal thoughts

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Hopelessly Human, Jul 12, 2015.

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  1. Hopelessly Human

    Hopelessly Human New Member

    Hello everyone,

    My (long) story:

    I have been having suicidal thoughts on a daily basis for at least the last 6 years. I can't actually remember a time without them, but I know it has been at least that long. The thoughts are usually nothing intense enough where I actually think about going through with it, but there have been those days too. I have gone as far as doing research on the poisons that I have 24/7 access to because of my job and practicing with an unloaded gun. I have never had the guts to go through with it as I'm afraid of the pain and the risk of crippling myself for the rest of my life if my attempt were to fail.

    I hate myself as a person. From my perspective, the world would be a better place without me. I contribute very little to society as a whole, and I hate the things that I have done and continue to do to the people in my life. Every time I think back on my life, it depresses me how I've let down my wife, my friends, my family, and how I've lived contrary to the moral code that I believe. The guilt is crushing. As a result, I'm not a very happy person. Actually, I don't feel much of anything except for guilt, shame, fear, and anger these days. I mostly feel kind of empty and without emotion. It's very rare that I feel happy or excited. My wife complains that I'm like a robot.

    I know that killing myself would be cruel and unfair to the few who care about me, but the thought of them missing me is kind of appealing. I've often daydreamed about what my funeral would be like and how they might wish I was around after I'm gone. Perhaps my wife would find someone who actually knows how to be happy and who could bring joy to her life rather than being a joy killer like I am. I know that this is not correct thinking, but I'm just trying to share what has been going through my mind.

    I tend to have the most intense thoughts of suicide when I've been scolded by my wife for screwing something up or when I just get the feeling she doesn't even like me anymore. I have also had issues when I'm stressed about work or when I feel really alone and unappreciated.

    Having said all of that, I know that I lead a life that is better than I have done anything to deserve. I was raised by good parents, I have been afforded the privilege to get an education, I live in a free and prosperous country, and I've never been through any real adversity in life like so many others have. I've never been homeless or had lack for food. I know that these thoughts are wrong and that I should be thankful for the life I have been given. I have no right to complain.

    The only person that I've ever told about my suicidal thoughts is my wife. At the time (now almost 4 years ago), she wanted me to go to counseling, but I was reluctant. For one, I didn't want to take the time an money to do it, and I didn't want to admit that this was a problem I couldn't handle. I've since been lying to her saying that the thoughts aren't really happening anymore. I can't in good consciousness let her feel that weight. Everyone else thinks I'm fine and would probably tell you that I'm a generally happy person, but they only see what I let them see.

    So how do you battle your suicidal thoughts?

    Do you have any advise for me?

    Thank you for reading my story and for sharing your thoughts. I don't know why humans are this way, but it seems to be beneficial to tell someone these things, even if it is just a faceless stranger on the internet. I look forward to reading your thoughts.
     
  2. Adam

    Adam SF Supporter

    Hi there. I warn you I am pretty blunt some don't like that. The fact you have done the research and have access to the means is a predictor of a successful suicide. Basically if I was a professional doing a risk assessment you meet the criteria for significant concern.

    Is that it? Is that the only thing that stops you, fear of pain and failure? What about your wife, your friends and family? Do they not matter enough to you? You will just dump your pain on them and it sounds like you know that to be cruel. Wouldn't it be better to get to the bottom of why you feel this way and exhaust all potentials for wellness so you are not a robot? Than instigate the horror show that is the aftermath of suicide. Sure they may miss you and want you around again but they will also suffer for it as you will be dead and they can't get you back to resolve that feeling. You will also be too dead to know they want you in the first place so however appealing that thought is you wont get to bask in it any way. Isn't that just pointless?

    Why do you hate yourself? Why would it be a better place? The world as a whole is entirely indifferent to your existence but your friends and family not so much.

    That kind of implies you feel alone already, or displaced from their lives. People generally don't pine for things they already have. So maybe look at how that distance formed in the first place. How responsible are you for creating that distance, how much is out of your hands? What can you do to fix it or is it unfixable?

    Who says? You sound like you are in emotional pain, when in pain you have a right to be vocal about it. Simply bottling it up and adhering to regime of silently plodding on will get you killed eventually. Sounds like you have come close already. Some times we need external help. No shame in that.
    *
    Sounds like your wife cares about your well being enough to suggest a prudent course of action that you have yet to try. Your excuse of time and money is utter nonsense, when you are dead you have no time and can make no money. I assume you and your wife pool your resources? Stop making ridiculous excuses, this is your life and continued existence you are playing with.

    *

    I am not going to answer that right now, but I will tell you what definitely does not work. Doing nothing and hoping for a better tomorrow.
    This is my suggestion as to what you should do. Or alternatively you can continue doing nothing and see where that gets you.

    1. Go see a doctor and get a physical health check up. Rule out physical causes for feeling flat and dead on the inside. Who knows maybe your thyroid is under-active and you feel this way because of that. It could honestly be as simplistic as needing Thyroxine. Your death would be utterly stupid if that turns out to be the case on autopsy.

    2. Go to a counsellor, talk it out instead of believing you must wear the happy mask all the time for the sake of others. That mask will slip eventually. If you don't want to dump that weight on your wife, Don't, dump it on your counselor who gets paid for their trouble to listen to the plight of others. Don't waste your time on a counselor that just listens. Find one that has some sort of training in cognitive techniques, that gets you to look at your thoughts. The science on the efficacy of CBT for instance is pretty solid. But there are many other types out there. Research them so you are informed. You got nothing but finances to lose by trying it. Maybe you will discover more about yourself and can address your guilt. Which seems like a main driver to your self hate.

    Do those two things instead of passively watching yourself decline.

    Take care.
     
  3. Neo28

    Neo28 Member

    My life is not too dissimilar than yours and I deal with my suicidal thoughts (and mental illness) in the same fashion as you do, or at least I did. I hid it from everyone for years and years. Occasionally I would tell someone (like my wife), but then a few months later tell them I was doing OK. Every 5 or 6 years, I would hit a bit of a rough spot and tell someone again, followed up by a cover up a few months later.

    Fast forward 20+ years and I can tell you that I was making a huge mistake by trying to hide it all the time. For all those years, I internalized all these negative thoughts and feelings and never dealt with them. Now they have built up to a point where I am having a hard time getting rid of them, even with therapy and medication. Your core reason for being suicidal are most likely not going to go away by themselves, unless somehow they are situational, but as you have been thinking about it for 6 years it sound unlikely. So my advice to you would be to get into, and stay into, therapy along with seeing a psychiatrists as needed. You don't have to go to therapy daily or anything like that. You can go once a week, once every few weeks, or once a month, whatever works for you, so it doesn't have to cost a fortune. Trust me, it is money well spent if it saves your life.

    Also, try to share with people (within reasonable limits) what you are going through. Share with your wife, your family, your boss, and/or your friends. The more you share, the better you will feel, and the more support you will have when you need it. Obviously sharing with people that you are suicidal may be too much for some, so use your best judgement. I am still terrible at sharing, but have started recently after years of denial and it probably saved my life. (literally). Most people do care and the ones that don't perhaps would be better off not apart of your life.

    At any rate, that is my two cents on advice. I truly sorry you have to deal with this crap and hope you feel better some day soon.
     
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