My story as a previous Cutter

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Moat, Feb 16, 2016.

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  1. Moat

    Moat Banned Member

    I will pst my friend's real (first) name only, out of respect more than anything for this thread...

    This all was roughly 18 years ago now, when i was between the ages of 17 and 20, although I suppose it could go back a few years before that, when I was 13-14 yars old, and I used to punch a hole so hard in my wardrobe that I would not stop until the wardrobe wood cracked and left my knuckles a bloody mess.
    That did not last long (thankfully), but then I got into cutting when I around 16, because I had always been a shy child and kept my emotions to myself (I still do, but nowadays, I am slowly letting out some things about my past that I shamed of, but tired of bottling up and keeping hidden from everyone...

    It was when I first started to get really bad anxiety and that I was loner in the World, with no friend and thinking everyone was laughing at me behind my back, which let to me accidentally cutting myself one time and suddenly i found that the emotional pain did not so much when I was experiencing physical pain, so that started a number of years where i would cut (some shallow, some very deep), but I stopped cutting after my first ever suicide attempt (not saying what the method was, so as not to give to give anyone else any ideas) and lke in my thread, "The Real Me" - after waking up in that hospital bed after a number of weeks, and discovered that my best friend stayed beside me at all times (even so far as being allowed by the night roster nurses) to stay in the hospital beside me all night, holding my wand and talking to me while i was unconscious (or so I heard one of the nurses say to me, after I woke up and was well enough to get out of bed and take a walk out into the hospital's gardens (courtyard) my attempt made me realise I was selfish to do that to my best friend, get her so worried and even crying, that i vowed from that day on, I would never cut myself ever again (except when shaving in the morning haha)

    Unfortunately, I do not speak, nor have seen my friend in 6 years now, what she did for me, is the biggest reason I joined SF - to try and help and be there for others, just as my friend had done for me.

    I owe her everything for what she did for me and as much as I wish I could repay her, in some way, I have set my goals on SF and paying my friend's compassionate and loving personality so that I too can save someone when they hit rock-bottom, like I did back them
    Even if I help and/or save just just one person, I feel content in this World.

    So, Kathleen, you helped me more than you will never know and though I cannot ever pay back your lovely gift you had given to me for your actions, I want to pass it on, use you as a role model on how close friends care deeply for each other, even if you do not get along half the time.
    A true friend is the hardest to find, to stick with with your heart and you will know those of your friends who would be willing to take a bullet for you or jump in the wy of a speeding car to save you... treasure those people you have in your life, because they are more valuable than diamonds.
  2. booklovr

    booklovr Well-Known Member

    Oh vaz.
    This post has ended me with tears streaming down my cheeks..
    This is my most favourite post till now. seem like that happy , amazing , humorous and the most charming and chivalrous person ever.
    in 17.the amount of pain it takes to resort to self harm..i know it.
    A person really really has to hate themselves to press the blade.
    You are so lucky to have Kathleen.....vaz lucky.
    im that sorta friend..that life giving and my mum thinks that stupid.she said its stupid to think of others more than yourself..and I agree wth her....very few deserve such angels if friends...but you definitely are worthy.
  3. sahel

    sahel SF Supporter

    This is a very beautiful story:) Hats off to Kathleen. She is a wonderful person, best of luck, happiness and joy for her. But you know what? booklovr is right, you do deserve to have her as a friend, this is the best decision that one could possible make and I think continuing her way is one of the best methods of thanking her, if not the best. Hats off to you, too, to your wise and kind choice:)
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