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My story - first post

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Lifefullofpain, Feb 25, 2018.

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  1. Lifefullofpain

    Lifefullofpain New Member

    Hi everyone,

    I have been struggling a lot lately with suicidal thoughts and visions that have led to me losing all hope on getting out of this rut. So here's how I got to where i am.

    The first problems I suffered involved an alcoholic dad who turned aggressive after too many drinks. He never harmed me physically but through constant put downs and words he has scarred me mentally. Also the first major incident in my life happened when I was 9. I woke up and heard arguing coming from my mum and dad's room so I walked out onto the landing and looked towards their room. The door was open and to my shock and horror i seen my dad holding my mum against the wall with a pair of scissors in his hands, aggressively shouting at my mum who was in visible distress. To this day I regret not running in and trying to help her. However being the young age of 9 and not really understanding what was going on I ran back to my room in tears and nothing was said of it. The next morning my mum left my dad and we moved out with my older sister none the wiser of the previous nights events. So in a couple of days I went from having (in my view) a happy family life apart from my dad's drinking to witnessing him hurting my mum and breaking up the family. Instead of showing my distress i felt I had no choice but to step up and be the 'man of the house' so I took it upon myself to look after my mum and sister from that day onwards. A couple of years went by and while I was at school my mum suffered a life threatening car crash as she was shunted across the other side of the race by a speeding lunatic. This left her struggling to walk and with chronic back pain to which she still suffers to this present day. This meant she struggled to do the general family things of simply going swimming, going for a country walk etc. So I shouldered her pain too by taking on the jobs in the house and helping out as much as I could. This led to me missing out on many gatherings with my friends and general teenager activities. Then I got bullied in school for never going out with friends etc. A part of this bullying involved one day walking down the school corridor and being punched in my stomach which after speaking to doctors, I found out was most likely the cause of IBS which then led to a couple of years in and out of hospital for tests as they originally thought it may be ulcerative colitis. This led to more bullying and constant jokes being made about me.

    The next key stage probably came after a family holiday to Turkey. My mum got involved with a waiter and visited him multiple times over the next few months. I didn't agree with it but I just wanted her to be happy so never voiced my concerns. Up until a few weeks ago, I thought it was her choice to be out there. However I recently found out she was forced to stay there against her will. This meant more regret I had to deal with for not realising the signs of her distress. I eventually called her and explained how down I was feeling and the next day she arrived home. After a trip to the doctors I was diagnosed with severe depression and social anxiety to the point where I couldn't step foot out my house. This lasted 3 months of being stuck indoors. I then fell behind on college work which meant more stress to catch up. I eventually caught up and got into university. This was supposed to be my big break, I was finally going to flourish. As you can probably guess though, even though things started well, the depression started winning again. This eventually led to me stood by a canal seriously considering ending things. I was stopped by a worried group who seen me lingering on the edge. They called an ambulance and I spent the night in A&E. After being discharged in the morning I received a phone call from my dad who proceeded to tell me I am a waste of space, a waste of oxygen and need to get my act in gear. After several visits to a&e over the following months and being so behind on work I failed at university and had to move back home away from all the friends I had made. This was 2+ years ago. The frustrating thing is, to this day I haven't managed to leave even my town. I can't manage to even simply go shopping in town or walk around in fear of everyone knowing I failed and lived up to everyone's expectations of me. I am currently going through counselling and group therapies. Also seeing a psychiatrist yet I still constantly find myself wanting to be free from this pain.

    If you read the whole thing, then thank you and I hope this doesn't distress anyone. There are other issues I'm dealing with but didn't want to waffle on.

    Thanks,
    H
     
  2. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    Hello Lifefullofpain

    Sorry to hear that you have gone and are going through so much
    Your trying to intervene probably would have made the situation more dangerous. You actually handled this the right way in my opinion.

    People's expectations are typically based on ignorant and superficial notions.

    It's really not reasonable for anyone to have expected you to do anything under the circumstances. Just surviving is enough of an accomplishment.

    It's ok to say as much as you want. Please say more if you would like to.
     
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi there,

    Oh my you have been through so much I feel so sorry for you. You really did nothing to deserve how you feel and where you got to in life, you were scared from a young age, I am so sorry for what you have been through, I read your whole post and felt huge sadness for you. Go back to university if you can and as you say ''flourish''.
    I hope going back is an option, is it?
    Feel free to talk to us about the other issues you are dealing with, we certainly don't mind and it will help you to air your thoughts so to speak.
    We are here for you, all the way :)
    Tell your counselor exactly how you feel don't hold back and the same with your psychiatrist they cannot help if they don't know the cold hard truth.
    (hugs) if wanted.
     
  4. Here2Listen

    Here2Listen Well-Known Member

    Hi,
    I am sorry for all the things that have happened to you. I know that we can’t help blame because there’s always a reason why we end up in a certain situation. I can only suggest that the decisions you made were not your fault and that is already done. If you fell guilty about these, ask your counselor how you can forgive yourself and all the people in your life. I am only making assumptions here and I hope you don’t find that offensive. But you need to realize that you were so young and many people would have acted the same way. That is all in the past and start to dream about a good future. And then get some help to make your dream a reality. Relatives, distant relatives, or organizations and charities might help. If you can go back to your studies maybe your life can get better again. I hope the best for you.
     
  5. Walker

    Walker Everything Zen Staff Member Safety & Support SF Social Media SF Supporter

    Hi there. It looks like you haven't returned since you posted this message. Come back and say hi again ok? Check in and let us know if you're ready to hang out a while. We're happy to have you join the community. We're all here for you if you wanna talk or vent.
     
    Indolent likes this.
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