my story for your benifit.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by PolljkThePM, Jan 12, 2007.

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  1. PolljkThePM

    PolljkThePM New Member

    ok.. first off. hello peoples

    ok.. from the begining.

    my mom left my dad with me and my brother while pregnant with my sister.
    i was 7.

    he used to come home from work.. i'd be waiting.. he'd scream and shout at me.
    i'd run off crying.. and be back the next day for more.
    i dont have an age on this.. but like i said.. we left my dad when i was 7.

    me and my brother also used to lie in bed at night with the quilt around our necks chanting "i want to kill myself". again.. before 7.

    i remeber running away once.. but only got a mile out before caught.
    we lived in a rural area.. i was running to a castle (no staff there) that i went to now and then.

    after they split i was living in a flat with my mom, brother and sister.
    then i went to school... not a day went past that i wasn't builied until i left sixth form. i bitch about it.. but by then i was dead inside anyway.

    i recently read a few school reports from there and the high school.
    i went to peer suport.. i swore at them and left..
    i was pale, unenthusiastic and allways tired.
    i remmber standing behind a door in primary with a pair of scissors ready to plunge them in.
    recently i was told that i had matches in class once and was burning the desk.

    i then went on to high school. still builied.
    joined the rugby club.. was great fun and i enjoyed it. until one day i had enough of the taunting and just walked off the field and never came back.
    about here i was 10-11. this is when the dreams stopped and the sleepless nights began, i still have trouble sleeping. still vague on why. either insomnia or delayed sleep phase syndrome.

    my mom then met my step-dad. they married and we moved to germany. (p.s my dad was in the R.A.F and so is my step-dad)
    i had a better time in germany.
    was still builied.. remmber a few fights.. and im a pacafist.. i never retaliated.
    about here i noticed anger issues.. really bad temper.. i've hit my little brother a few times when it got bad.
    i remmeber one time after i gave him a black eye, my ste-dad came in and threw me to the floor and stood on my chest.. i didnt breath right for a week roughly.

    i drank in school.. cherry schnapps tasted nice and stuff didnt matter as much.. until i was caught with the bottle in my locker...
    soon the builing managed to get to me.. i tried to slit my wrists with flint and drank dettol a few times... dont laugh.. i was young.. musta been 13 around then.

    in germany i was getting money for sorting out the bins (they had laws about recycling)
    soon after it stopped and i never got costant money from my parents since.
    i was never bought anything unless it was xmas or my b-day. same goes for my brother and sis. at this time my other brother and sister were born.

    we then moved to england.
    i was 15..
    for the first few weeks at the new school i knew no one and actually walked around the whole school over and over.
    this was until i met my "friends" at the time.
    they poked fun at me still but at least i had friends..
    they encouraged me to skip school.. sometimes day after day..
    but i had friends..
    they got me into shoplifting.. due to my dissorders i seemed to have a knack..
    soon after i was skipping everyday and stealing $$'s worth of stuff too.

    then came the day i got a trolly.. filled it up with $50 worth of alki and pushed it out the door of the local tescos..

    i drank soooo much i blacked out.. this was about 12am on a school day.
    i managed to fall in a stream.. mud. bonnets of cars and during this my "friends" walked off and left me..
    i managed to stumble across the field.. which i really dont remmber doing.
    i met somene at the other side and was finally dragged to the head masters office.

    a 15 year old coverd in god knows what and pissed to the point of blackout.
    i remmebr sitting in the chair.. my head held up.. my vision was gone.. all i could see was faces.. and then my moms appeared.

    after i was kept in school by people.. i will not be told what to do in anyway..
    so i carried on skipping until my "friends" beat me up.. apparently i had dobbed them in.. i dont know if it was while i was drunk but i dont remmber it.
    the next day i went back to where we hanged out in the morning while register was taken.. the exact place they beat me up and with the very same people.. well.. thats what "friends" do is it not? pathetic.

    it soon got the the point where we moved to where i am now.
    i started a levels.. got kicked off a week in.
    started an avce in manufacturing and came out with a D...
    not bad after all that i think.
    i started their.. i was 16.. i was still builied.. i just didnt care anymore..
    i'd seen it all and it was nothing new.. what they could destroy with their words was allready gone..

    so they took up lobbing bricks at me as i rolled past. they missed of course.. their wankers that throw bricks but their not stupid enough to hit me.
    i had taken to using my rollerblades to get to school. a mile in 5-10mins without having to pay for a bus.. deal..
    it chugged along.. the usual verbal abuse.. from lower years and from the same people in my class.. it didnt bother me.. then i met my friend who is a girl. btw my name is john and im not telling other peoples..

    well i fell head over heels.. i had a house party.. she came.. for a good 2 days we talked as she sat on my lap or next to me.. until my friend asked her.. "so whats going on then between you two?"... wait for it.. this is a great moment..

    "oh.. i have a boyfriend"... ker-god-damn boom... wtf... about the same moment i grabbed my moms whiskey and drank the lot.. had a shower singing something i hadnt in a while. i was going to write the lyrics but i dont want to justify it.

    it was basically a repeat of i wanna kill myself, i wanna slit my wrists, i wanna jump off a bridge etc etc

    so there i was.. broken..
    what followed was a good year and a half of me trying to get her for myself while my brain said.. she has a boyfriend.. your scum.. shut the fuck up i said.. i've deserved her for my life of shit..
    for weeks and months.. she stayed over.. we slept in the same bed.. we watched films.. we were the best of friends.. even to the point id stroke her back and other stuff... im gifted in that area btw..

    and then started the nights infront of a computer listening to music.. crying and cutting myself.
    around this area my dad started to come back into my life... yay.. more fun.
    i have "WHY" burned into my left arm with a cigarette.. and "I HATE YOU" carved into my right arm..
    more cuts and cig burns than i can be botherd to count..
    i wasnt like you all.. razorblades? pretty easy.. almost painless.. cigarettes held a mm away from your skin until it eventually goes out.. that is pain..
    a heavy duty stanley knife blade.. that rips the skin apart.. that you have to drag across your skin over and over. that is pain.

    i started drinking quite heavily after i left sixth form.. my first dole check.. i had $90 to my name.. time to go be numb i thought.
    so started a year of drinking till i black out and then scream.. shout and try my best to kill myself.

    i havnt been drunk for a good few months.. last time i did.. i ran around screaming.. ran into flyovers and main roads.. and managed to hit my fiance in the progress.

    my fiance.. my reason for life... she saved me.
    i was on the edge.. the only thing holding me back was the thought of my mom and family.. and even that was becomming a distant worry.

    what am i now?
    im happy..

    i live in my room with my fiancée.. i leave once a week roughly
    we sit around. watch films.
    and oh yeah.. i smoke green.

    i dont want tablets that i could get addicted to.. i dont want to be groggy the next day. so i smoke.
    and it pisses me off that i get branded a criminal for trying to cheer myself up and to try and fall asleep at a reasonable hour.

    and feel free to condem me for being a "drug addict" because i will tell you the truth about it.

    welll thats my life story...
    it should either put your problems in their place.. or show you the answer.

  2. MrDepressed

    MrDepressed Guest

    Thanks for sharing your story John and welcome to the forum, I hope you stay and post more..
    Wial your story was touching it puts none of my problems in place or shows me an answer... alot of us here have been through similiar brokeness in our lives, some worse, some not as bad..
  3. smackh2o

    smackh2o SF Supporter

    So your actually happier now?
    Sounds like you've had it rough as hell. Then again, the worse people have it, theoretically the easier it is to get better right? Because even the smallest increase in happiness will mean more to someone who doesnt have it on a daily basis.
    I hope you smile for real.
  4. theleastofthese

    theleastofthese SF Friend Staff Alumni


    It sounds like you've been thru hell and back.:sad: Glad you're still with us and very happy you've found us here.:smile: We're a good lot: good at listening and supporting and loving and reaching out. You'll make some good friends here - I sure have. I hope your life continues to go well and gets better and better.:smile:

    love and hugs and hope,

  5. PolljkThePM

    PolljkThePM New Member

    good to see nice people still excist...

    i got linked here from another forum.. so i may just up a leave at some point..

    all i can say is.. those that have had this happen.. just wait..
    your time will come.. you will find it.. the answer.

    you have it comming to you..
    may not be when your crying and laughing at the same time..
    but belive me.. it will come.. and all this.. will seem like a distant dream.
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