My Story - help and advice would be greatly appreciated

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by StephenKellyEFC, Feb 14, 2015.

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  1. StephenKellyEFC

    StephenKellyEFC Account Closed

    Hi

    I am 20 year old and I have been having trouble for 3 years now. Please, it is long but please read this and any reply would be much appreciated. Maybe I am feeling sorry for myself, I do not know. I am a very quiet boy. Would never harm/hurt any person.
    When I was in year 5, the bullying started by a group of people. This carried on until I was in year 10. Every day. Punched, laughed at etc etc and I done nothing. This bullying was every single day from 9am to 3:30pm. It was very difficult.

    At the same time of this, my father was fighting cancer for 4 years. When I arrived home my school, I give my mum a little rest and I took over looking after my father. It was a difficult job but he was my only friend. He was the person that helped me the most with everything. Every single problem. I used to go home to him and cry, let it all out and he used to help me face the bullies. He was incredible.

    He passed away after 4 years of fighting. His last words to me being "Don't let them win." I got through school and got OK results. I was happy considering I hate exams!! I went to college and all of a sudden the depression started A LOT more... Also there were more bullies... I had an operation and hopefully change my life for the better but the bullies carried on..

    I got accepted into University. I spoke to my mum and sister about this depression but they just laughed and said "everyone goes through depression. you will get over it".

    The first day into Uni, the bullies were in same class and there was no way of me changing classes (can you believe that? how unlucky!"
    I left UNIversity and told my mother that it was too hard for me. Who does this? It was the bullies not the course. How pathetic am I.

    I told my mother and sister I loved them and that night I wrote them a letter and I left it on my bed. I tried to commit suicide. After weeks in the hospital I was very angry. At myself for trying but at others because all of a sudden, the rest of my family cared about me? They didn't speak to me before this. Not once. I could walk down the street and say hello and they would pretend they did not care.

    I recovered and got a job. I was still depressed. I got bullied in my workplace by my manager and another member of staff. I tried to end my life again.
    I do not want to be here.
    I have had 2 years counselling and they said I can take this medicine and hopefully I will be off the medicine in 8 years. I can not carry this on for 8 years.
    I want to just disappear. I have been so close to doing it again but I just can't pluck up the courage too.
    2 years of counselling and I still feel the same. I know what you will say, speak to your family and friends.
    I have spoken to family. I have no friends. Not ONE. But this is my fault. Every friend I have, I be nice to them and all they do is stick a knife in my back.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Then they were not true friends You need to listen to your doctor and get on medication to help you fight the darkness the sadness you need to fight ok
    and DON'T LET THEM WIN those words i have said many times ok Listen to your fathers words and do everything you can for YOU to keep strong and if medication is needed for now to be strong then take it You are the only one that can perserve your father memory ok in a way no one else can you fight ok YOU
    WIN

    you are young you can do this
     
  3. trinisty

    trinisty Well-Known Member

    Hello Stephen! Hopefully your problems will come to an end soon. If you have hard times, you share them in here. Maybe we can help you, or maybe it can ease your sadness down a bit.

    Anyway, I'm sorry for the problems you're having right now, and I'm sorry for the loss of your father. Does your manager and other staffs bully you physically or verbally? What other employee thinks about your manager and other staff? I've never been through bullying, but now I'm also in University and face the same thing, but not as bad as yours. My advice is to keep smile, let their jokes about you fade away. I always do that to my bullies in University, I don't talk to them, and if they want to talk to me... I take them very seriously. If they're insulting me, I just accept it... "yeah, I am. Happy now?". Maybe that's not the best advice ever, haha. I don't recommend you to follow my way to avoid bullying.

    Please continue to take your medicine, maybe it seems impossible for now. But slowly, you will see how possible it is to recover from depression. Trust me.

    From my perspective, there are 2 bullies in your story... one is a human (ex. your manager), and the other one is your depression. Your father once said "don't let them win"... it also applies to your depression. Don't let your depression win and consume your while life. Fight it. You are strong, and you will be stronger. I believe in you.

    We love you. We all love you in here. Have a great day!
     
  4. Dewonderland

    Dewonderland Well-Known Member

    Hello,

    I will say 2 things that will probably sound very contradictory.

    First this is not your fault because this world is beautiful but a lot of people are pure shit. Sometimes, too often, we meet them on our way and we are hurt betrayed. You are true thinking you're not the only one. SOmetimes I hear people tell you as a comfort : there is worst things in this world. It is true, it's important to be able to put things into perspective. Right. But this is not a contest and of course I'd rather have a broken arms that being disabled ... but that is not a contest, I can feel the pain of a broken arm too and I can wish to be super healthy 200%.
    So you have the right to talk about what hurts you. It's good to have support. Maybe your family realised you were in trouble. Some might doit ust for the sake of politeness but some might have been touched. You also have to keep on trusting people in order to be able to find friends and help and people to laugh with too.

    This is were I go to : this is your fault.
    All your fault. Like most of the things that happens to us is always a bit because of decision we made or didn't made and path we choose. I say that because I think you've caring your life like a burden and at some point, for the shit to end you have to go ahead. Saying, I am part of this mess and I will change it. Because if I can fail I can also succeed. You already did a lot of good things. Graduating through a shitty school , finding a job, be strong enough to admit you needed help from a doctor.

    Keep on being in charge in your life.
    Bit by bit.
    Let go the bad things, even if it hurts sometimes just runaway from it if right now you're not strong enough to fight it. Accept that you need time but that you will overcome it when you'll be reay.

    Love yourself, believe in yourself, you mistakes and your strengh.
    You're like most of us here, reaching that point when you've been broken so bad that everything turns wrong anyway.
    Somehow when you start believing you worth nothing, even when wrong, people see that too because that's what you're showing.

    That's why ... hold on.
    You're not alone.
    Anyway you ar enot alone.
     
  5. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    Sorry about the loss of your dad. Maybe following his words of not letting them win is something you can work on.

    My question is why is it that you seem to attract bullies where you go? What do they pick at you about, what is the reason?

    we do have a subforum on bullying topics if you want to check it out.
     
  6. StephenKellyEFC

    StephenKellyEFC Account Closed

    I'm very shy and not confident. I've tried to fix this but I think the person is just me.
    I was a shy boy anyway but it mainly started because I hid myself away from the world. When I found it hard, like most children I just played on my video game and computer (I am not a typical 'nerd' anymore hahaha). I am certain this is the reason why. My mother agrees and says it is a little bit her fault for allowing this to happen.
    I played games to escape the world and to escape the problems with my family.
     
  7. StephenKellyEFC

    StephenKellyEFC Account Closed

    Thank you very much.
    Why is it only people who I will never speak too who love me? if you understand?

    When I was getting bullied verbally and physically, I did 'snap' and hit one of them. My father was proud. This was not me but It was getting my anger out and I needed to do it. I really believe that in the near future I will just do the same and think "f*ck it"
    I want to just give up completely but I am just too scared. What will people think of me then?
     
  8. StephenKellyEFC

    StephenKellyEFC Account Closed

    I don't think people realise how true this is but every person I meet, I lose. Simple as that.
    I'm pathetic.
     
  9. sweetles

    sweetles Well-Known Member

    You are not pathetic. You stood up to a bully once! I never could do this. Not once. And you are strong enough and passionate enough to be able to envision doing it again. Please don't "snap" on anyone, but know some of us admire your guts and strength just to contemplate it.
     
  10. StephenKellyEFC

    StephenKellyEFC Account Closed

    Hi everyone

    I think I'm going to just try and enjoy life for a couple of months. Maybe go on holiday (I have no job and no money at the minute so I don't know how) and then just go through with it. I attended a group meeting today and just burst out crying and ran out. I can not go through with this anymore. I can not talk to in them situations.

    But you know what I Do not understand? If I do this then all my family will then try and contact me and tell me how much they love me. Why don't they show this now? When I walk down the street they put the head down and turn the other way. Seriously

    Everyone in the world are fake. I thought I found two good people in my life but then I finally realised they are not and they were very bad to me. I will give up very very soon, I just don't know a method which is for me yet.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 16, 2015
  11. trinisty

    trinisty Well-Known Member

    Please don't do that. It seems impossible, and maybe people said things like that like a thousand times, but it will be over. It may not be in short period or easy, but it will over and you are going to live a happy life. Hold on, please... Okay?
     
  12. StephenKellyEFC

    StephenKellyEFC Account Closed

    Because it is impossible trinitsty. It's sad because the only people who are here for me are the people here? who I will never meet, who I will never be friends with. Because lets be honest, we are not friends.

    One day I WILL just say enough is enough and go through with it. Every night, I am going on my computer and checking up methods and I am writing a paragraph every night to leave here. People say hold on but what exactly for? I only do one thing in my life. Watch football (soccer). No friends, no real family.

    For the past week, I am telling my mother I am feeling sick just so I can cry myself to sleep. She just thinks I am crying because I'm sick.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 18, 2015
  13. qteallex

    qteallex Active Member

    having no friends in this day and age is not the disaster it would have been years ago. we have the internet to keep us company, lots of people who you can chill out with to get some social interaction, or even through watching TV or youtube etc. you don't have to be lonely just because you are alone.
    also disregarding black and white thinking of other people and accepting their grey middle-ground personalities will benefit you, there are lots of people out there who are both great to be with and an asshole - sometimes 'fake' people are still fun so it's worth sticking with them and accepting the slightly more shallow relationship you get from them because it still gives you joy. keep your heart off your sleeve and learn to be a little more rude, being fake is a safe way to be.

    there really aren't any good ways to give up, 8 years sounds like a long time because you're young but it's achievable to at least hold out that long - what's the number 1 reason you don't want to continue? without looking at the reasons as one big reason, look at the biggest first and disregard anything that is the past - because of the accumulative pressure of multiple issues as soon as one is dealt with, the next will be easier -
     
  14. StephenKellyEFC

    StephenKellyEFC Account Closed

    The number 1 reason?
    I am pointless. I have no ambition now. I literally have no point. I am unemployed now and have been for quite some months. I have no hobbies. I even hate talking to my family downstairs when they visit because they just talk about being surprised I am not on my video game. I played this a lotwhen I was younger but that was so all my problems disappeared.
    8 years is a long time... It is 00:05 when I write this I will get to sleep at about 5am, I cry myself to sleep... Then I wake up at about 7am because I will have a dream.

    you will say get some tablets etc but you know the scary thing? I REALLY REALLY don't want too anymore. I don't want to get better now. I've tried and I've already give up. Yes when I was younger I had all these good goals/ambitions in life but I've lost it all now. I don't think anyone can change my mind. It is just about waiting until I have money to get away.
     
  15. Inspire&Inquire

    Inspire&Inquire SF Supporter

    Hey Stephen, It's good that you are looking for advice. I don't know if I'm the right person to answer you. If you are looking for advice really looking, there's a book that helped me out when I was really down. It's called "How to Win Friends and Influence People." by Dale Carnegie I found practicing some of the things in the book helped.
     
  16. StephenKellyEFC

    StephenKellyEFC Account Closed

    Thanks. I may check it out. This isn't the problem. It is the person who I am. I hate myself. I will never change and I know this, all my family know this. You lot are probably thinking this person is pathetic.
     
  17. StephenKellyEFC

    StephenKellyEFC Account Closed

    Maybe it is better for everyone if I lie to everyone and say I am leaving but I will be fine and for them not worry.
     
  18. sweetles

    sweetles Well-Known Member

    You are not pathetic, you are just hurting.
     
  19. StephenKellyEFC

    StephenKellyEFC Account Closed

    No.
    I am pathetic. I can not even have a conversationw ith people in my family. I sit in my room all day just crying or on my computer and watching football (soccer). I only like one thing in life. I have never been to a nightclub or anything what people do at my age. EVER. My cousin invited my mother and my sister to her big party... Did I get an invite? you take a guess.

    I don't want to be here. I am not hurt. I have been like this for years.
    I would never hurt any person. Maybe I am too nice.

    I have come so close to just giving my life away but I was too scared. When I was bullied, I snapped and hit a person. I know for a fact I will just do the same. I will one day decide to just leave forever. I wanted to become successful in my life but right now I do not give a fuck what happens.

    It is only a matter of time.
     
  20. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    before you went to school and before year five, do you remember how you felt about yourself?
     
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