This may be long but please bear with me. I have always lived with my grandmother since I was a baby. Three years ago it was agreeded that if I continued to live with her and take care of her than my Mother would help me go back to college and get my degree. So baiscally all I had to do was take care of her and go to school. The last three years of my life has been the worst ever. No one knows what it is like to take care of someone, but yet see them dying more and more everyday. The depression this and other things has brought me has put me to the point its not if but when I will kill myself. The only joy I had was from closet friend. She is someone that each and everyday I see her she is the light that has kept me going. Yes, I am in love with her, but she is married and I had accepted. She has been in a abusive marriage for 17 years, but finally got the courage to leave. I did everything in my power to help her, but it wasnt enough. She doesnt love him she has admitted so many times, but as she has said her pastor told her that "God doesnt care about you being happy, he cares about you being holy" and "Maybe one day you will grow to love him" she went back to him. Me trying to do everything I could and her going back to him has put me in a state of depression I have never been in. It is not because I feel like I lost my chance with her it is because I know now she does not want to be there. She told me she is moving away, and that has destroyed me. I am losing the only person in my life I have ever cared for, the one thing that I wake up for. Now all I have is trying to take care of a family member that I see dying and get worse each and everyday. 70% of my life literally is this, while the other part was being with my friend who has helped keep me going by just seeing each and everyday. Now what? When she leaves I have nothing. Please dont say well you just go out and meet people. Meeting people is easy, but developing that bond with someone comes along only so often and it takes years sometimed. I dont want to live so why should I? I am going to post this in other sections also.