My Story, how I wish it were different

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by NotThisLife, Sep 5, 2010.

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  1. NotThisLife

    NotThisLife Well-Known Member

    I have been sitting here for the last five minutes, trying to figure out what to say and how to say it. Why do I wish for death? How do I tell people what I am feeling so they too can understand. And more importantly, do I want people to understand? Because to understand my pain, you really have to feel it, and I would not wish this on my worst enemy. Hmm.... check that, I would wish this and more on my worst enemy, because my worst enemy is mostly responsible for my feelings right now.

    In order to truly understand my pain, you need to know my story. In order for someone to know my story, I must post things of a somewhat inflammatory nature, at least some people will see it as such. Of course, the usual accusations of trolling are sure to follow my post, I have come to expect it. I lament it of course, because every word I am speaking is the truth. If someone doubts my words or intent, that's their problem. I cannot help that my story is so different it sounds unbelievable. That's why my last counselor didn't work out, she just could not believe I have lived with what has been on my plate the last 15 years.

    OK, so my story. I'm 25, male, unemployed and a high school drop out. Sure I have my GED, and sure I got it when I was 16, but people still see the "dropout" label. That doesn't really bother me though. In the grand scheme of things that's very small.

    I was molested when I was 7 years old. I went through a lot of issues over this, including my first hospitalization at age 10 when I killed a pet. I still grieve the pet, to this day, but I was so angry at a 10 years old I had no idea how to deal with what that guy had done to me. The only consolation I have is he is in prison for 25 years. But that didn't end the pain of the abuse, as any abuse survivor will know.

    When I was 14, my mom hurt her back and got on disability, and we lost everything. After living in a Tampa homeless shelter for 2 weeks, the family "allowed" us to come back to Virginia to help care for my grandmother, who had just been diagnosed with Alzheimer's. Well, my grandma couldn't be left alone and as my mom was injured it was up to me to help my grandma to the bathroom and such. Often she didn't make it.... At 14, when I was supposed to be out with friends, I was stuck caring for my grandma. Being homeschooled there would be days at a time where I didn't go anywhere. And since we were homeless without her, me and my mom couldn't exactly complain or ask for much help.

    Now, time for the part of my story that gets me accused of trolling. So be it....

    Also, when I was 14 I discovered I'm a zoophile. I hated myself for years over this. I was disgusted by my feelings, and I isolated everyone around me. I didn't want to slip up and them find out. This was probably one of the toughest hurdles I have overcome, and while I no longer see being a zoo as wrong, I still have to deal with something that would make me a pariah if anyone found out. Trust me, it's not fun dealing with death threats, and believe me I have gotten them online. No understanding, just condemnation. My mom knows, but she's grossed out by it. I consider this just another reason why my life should end, as many people have told me I should drop dead over this, I quite agree; but not for the same reasons.

    Now, onto the most pressing problem. If I do end up taking my life, the following will be the reason why. Everything I have mentioned to this point is the supporting cast, although they caused my three suicide attempts by themselves, let's meet the star player:

    My work history has never been good. I'll work a job for 6 months and just quit without explanation. It's just something I have always done. Until 2 years ago. I found a decent, if somewhat demanding job that I stuck with. I was even named the supervisor for my area. But I ignored the signs. When a girl gave me her 2 weeks notice the owner took over and fired her, telling me "people regret when they leave here". Also, I witnessed the same owner placing an "anonymous" call to the health board about the horrid conditions "she'd witnessed" at one of her competitors. I knew this woman would throw any and everyone under the bus, but I still stayed on.

    Then, I found a better job, with less work and better hours and pay. Instead of giving the owner a 2 weeks notice, I was afraid she'd try to sabotage my new job, so on my last day I just walked out unannounced.

    A couple of days passed. I was fitting great at my new job. Then, without warning, the police contacted me. I had no idea why, so I went down to the station fearing that a friend was in trouble. As soon as the police got me in a room, they accused me of scratching up my former boss's three Mercedes. First off, I didn't know she had three. Second, I was not nor was I ever angry with her. I'd just simply found a better job. But the police kept screaming at me "stop fucking lying, we know you did it you little punk!"

    So my trial was delayed three times, twice by the D.A. and once by the judge himself. However, when my lawyer asked for a continuance the judge said I "had delayed the proceedings three times already and was playing fast and loose with the system" and revoked my bond and sent me to jail pending the trial. It should be noted that at this point I had never even committed a crime, I wouldn't have know how to "play the system" if someone had paid me.

    It was in jail that I decided I was going to eventually take my own life. After 2 weeks, I took a plea deal just to get out of jail, despite the fact I had a timecard proving I was at work at the exact time when my ex boss said she saw me approaching her home. Yeah, that's right. Not only did she say she fired me and I cussed her out, she claimed to see me approaching her home even though she took great pains not to allow employees to know where she lives. I never knew.

    So that's what I escaped three suicide attempts for, to have my clean record destroyed by a vindictive millionairess. To be strip searched in jail, and let me tell you as a sex abuse survivor that wasn't fun. I'm haunted every day by what happened. The way the police treated me, the way a woman I respect said "I was an angry man who needs to be watched in society". The way the judge called me a "little punk" and said I was playing the system when it was the DA and the judge himself that delayed the case.

    I cannot seem to move on. I feel so violated. My clean record is history, and even though I now know I could have won the case I can't appeal due to the terms of the plea bargain. I have lost faith in the system, and humanity. I burn with hate and resentment, and since I could not live with myself if I harmed someone, I can only harm myself. I just don't know what else to do, I feel like my life is over now, and there is no way to get it back.

    Oh, and yeah (see, so much is on my plate I forgot to mention one of the most important things of all) my dog died a couple of years ago, and I have never really gotten over her. I'm not sure I ever will TBH. I cannot make anyone here understand, only another zoo can comprehend what the loss of a dog makes another zoo feel, so I don't ask for advice on that

    It hurts me, because I feel like I had so much to offer the world. I am an accomplished guitarist and writer, and I had a 3.8 GPA in college before I dropped out. But with all that haunts me, coupled with the fact that people will despise me if they know my sexuality, leads me to believe death is the only real solution to the train-wreck that has become my life. I'd pretty much switch places with anyone at this point.....

    PS: please don't ban me, I'm not a troll (I'm not even sure what one is)
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 5, 2010
  2. Moon_Penguin

    Moon_Penguin Penguin astronaut extraordinaire

    omg! this is just hurendous what happened to you, i have no idea what you have been through...seriously. wow you have one heck of a story. you need to remeber, none of this is your fault. ok its not your fault about the twat when you were 7. and its not your fault your old boss should have been on strong medication ¬¬ i know how it feels to lose a dog, but obviously not the way you do x i know everything seems bad right know but you gotta think, that things WILL get better. it takes time. and lots of therapy apparently. its great that you share you story and it is unbelievable, but you have no reason to lie on here so i believe every word :) if you ever need someone to talk to just PM me. i know i cant help out too much on certain things but sometimes its just good to talk to people about it :)
    oh and a troll is someone who posts stuff to stir people up and get pleasure from when people get angry and start arguments, this is not a troll post dont worry :)
  3. Monsieur

    Monsieur Well-Known Member

    A very powerful and courageous post. I'm at a loss of words of what to say but just know that I admire you for your tenacity to withstand such terrible hardship and injustice. Through all the darkness you've endured I'm glad you were able to realize that you have potential and are an accomplished guitarist and writer. The worst that can happen is for you to dwell upon the bitter antagonism you've faced from others; take that small ray of light in which you have hope and expound upon it. I know all of this is infinitely easier said then done, in fact I suppose I myself am somewhat of a hypocrite for stating such a thing, but nevertheless perhaps in time impeccable courage and resilience will wipe that away for both of us.

    Take care. :hug:
  4. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    I don't think you're a troll. You write too well.
  5. NotThisLife

    NotThisLife Well-Known Member

    I wish I could say thanks, but I'd be dishonest if I did. The honest truth is that it's not tenacity that has kept me alive, but cowardice. Sure I have attempted suicide three times, but it's the fear of another failure that keeps me from trying. I do not wish to end up disabled or in a psych ward for the 5th time. So I am a coward in that sense.

    Of course, I have become very apathetic to society and life in general, so I just feel numb when recounting what I have dealt with. Of course I forgot to mention that the boss at my new job fired me because I was lead out of the store in handcuffs. He said even if I was innocent, it still gave a bad impression to his customers. And my roommates kicked me out after I lost the job, they didn't even give me a chance to find another one. Also, they had allowed someone in my room who ended up breaking my 600$ acoustic guitar. They never told me who or how, which leads me to believe they did it. They never allowed me back to get my stuff, just put my belongings out near the curb. I'm sure they kept a lot of it, because I'm still finding stuff missing after a year. My mom said after I was arrested it's like my roommates "smelled blood in the water" and took the opportunity to take from me what they could.

    Needless to say, I could have done without the last couple of years. People around me say things will get better, but it's clinging to that hope that kept me around long enough for this stuff to happen. I mean, yes I cannot live with the memories of what has happened, but it's also the fear of things getting even worse that leads me to believe that ending my life is the only viable option I have left
  6. BenVenit

    BenVenit Member

    god-----your story is awful. And I understand. I also was abused and I have mild autism which made it unberable to live with the after effects.

    Further, I also went to court. Only my abuser took me there to silence me when I spoke up about my "recovery" to groups though I never used his name.

    The same thing in history, etc made my own lawyer see me as less than human. She made me sign a gag order to avoid a court date. This went on 2 years. In the end, I had a psychotic break.....the only one I have ever had.

    For ten days I was trapped in a place I also would wish on my enemies.

    And all this happened after almost ten years of healing. Sometimes they DO Make good on their threats to come back and ruin you life.

    Since that break, I have had a seizure, neuro problems, and slid into a darkness that made the first go round seem like kids' play.

    I, too, feel I am at the end, only I am older. There is not time for me to turn things around. What keeps me going is the fact that many of our policies are put in place to keep people like me from even accessing care. The money is there, but health care dollars to disabled people are considered a waste of money.

    So I hold out..........

    But, oh, that feeling. Everything stacked up to torment you with no way out......I know what you are feeling. I feel it and care about all of us stuck in it.
  7. pinkpetals33

    pinkpetals33 Well-Known Member

    Too much!!!!! I so know what you mean's like it all happend back to back ina short period of time....not literally but it's like everyone is out to get you and make sure your life is f*cked up.

    I hear you as survivor of abuse and being let down by the system....totally effed up! You shoul dbe angry and gawd!

    Have you ever had a chance to have someone listen to you for once, like a counselor or psych? Seems like everything that has happened to you has been for the benenfit of the other person or parties....ya know?

    As far as sex goes, that is no ones gawd dammm biz what or who you do it with.......if you are ashamed of it, that is up to you to decide how you want to channel it. But for now, your depression, loneliness and suicidal thoughts are IMPORTANT.
  8. NotThisLife

    NotThisLife Well-Known Member

    I've been to counsellors, even told one about my sexuality and stuff, but that was a long time ago. Nothing good ever came of it, in fact I often felt worse after appointments. But no, I have not spoken to anyone in depth about what has happened to me recently. Might be nice to spout off some steam to someone.....

    And yeah, I tend to come out on the short side of things, no matter what it is or who is involved. For example, after I got out of jail I found my friend had bought the very guitar I had had on layaway when I got fired. Unable to pay the remaining 300$, I lost the 500$ I had already put in, along with the guitar itself. But that wasn't as bad as watching my friend carry around the guitar I so nearly owned myself. I don't have the heart to tell him it is the same serial number as the one I was going to buy, as he obviously bought it at the same shop, which is the only one in my area that carries the PRS brand. Of course, if I had told him he probably would not have boasted that the paint style has been discontinued and what was once an 800$ guitar is now worth 2,000$. Doubt he would have told me that if he knew the circumstance. Oh well, needless to say I'm not as bothered as I once would have been. I'm not sure if I'm desensitized or apathetic, but it's nice not to feel for a change
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 10, 2010
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