My story - How it started

Hey everyone,

Ive been looking for a forums to post my story and thoughts or whatever for anyone to read.
So if you're someone that likes to read and likes to understand what position I'm in, you might help me.

Allow me to quickly introduce myself;
My name is Lars, I live in Belgium. My hobbies are gaming and working out.
I don't see myself as a social guy or a guy that likes to interact, but mostly I do that on the games I play or their forums. Since I like being behind a computer, I study IT and want to possibly expand myself in coding.
Now this is already one of the points where I have to stop.
I have to admit, I am addicted to gaming. It has been there for quite a while. I even had days where I stop meetings with friends to just game instead. Which is sad...
But let's not get confused now, I'll tell you all about my depression from the start.

I think that it started in 2014 around february. Why exactly that month. Well, I nearly had a one year relationship with a girl that dumped me for another guy, people told me that she cheated on me, but then again, I don't know.
From there I became depressed, I searched for help which is really hard for me to do. So I did on a gaming forums where the members know me. Some of them really felt what I was feeling. Let's just cut ahead shall we...
After 2 months of trying to get her back to me, I figured to give her up. So I did, afterwards since my brother is really into bodybuilding, I tried going to the gym myself. I really liked it at first, it distracts me from what is happening to me irl just like gaming does to me (more about it later). I felt like I was really concentrated at the time into building my own body, it made me happy.
After a small year, a tragedy happened, I got wounded on my shoulders cause I lifted too heavy. Well, meanwhile my best friend had a girlfriend. I liked her being his gf. So I was very happy for them both and would help them anytime. Besides that, my brother had a gf aswell, I was happy for them. Despite that she cheated on him later on and that she didnt talk much, she was cool.

From then on, my shoulder hurted every time I tried lifting again. I did research on it, went to the doctor several times, did a scan and all. The result was that there was a small bone causing my shoulder to crack. It was slightly injured because of the heavy lifting. I asked the doctor when I would be able to lift again. He said; "Do nothing for 5 weeks and it'll be over." which did not happen... Within those 5 weeks, the gf of my best friend cheated on him aswell, with another friend of ours. He was close to us. The big thing to the story is, the girl told me that she had an affair with that friend. While my best friend didnt know. I ofcourse, wanted to tell him immidiately but then she told me to meet her some day and we'll talk about it to figure a solution. That day, my best friend saw my bike at the house of hers and he had bad thoughts. He looked for us near her house and found us. He then walked to me like I was the one cheating with her. I said "Its not what you think, it's not me who you should be mad at." Somehow he already knew that something was wrong. He was very pissed at the guy, but somehow they are still friends. The girl got dumped ofcourse, she wanted to be with him and I feel like he wanted it aswell. But as a friend, I told him that she is a bad girl, to leave her for good.
I still have the feeling that they have contact with each other. I don't ever talk to the girl since I know from other stories, that she is a slut. (excuse me for the bad language, but she really is.)

This just gives you a small introduction about the relationship with me and the friend I got.

Since next schoolyear, everything went downhill. The other friend went to high school, we didnt speak much. Me and my best friend dont really hang out much besides school. So therefor, gaming jumps in. Hobbies.
And since going to the gym isnt really fun, I game alot. There were days where I just jumped out of bed, went behind my computer for the whole day, and got back in bed to sleep. I couldnt hold myself, because really. I started to think of why I did nothing but that. And I think it is because of the lack of social interaction. I mean, since this friend went from that to a weed-addict and met my brothers' friends and himself. I never hear of him again, he is a dealer now for all I know. Ofcourse, I tried weed myself. But I'm not really into it.

Then everything became black. I didnt see him as a friend anymore, I didnt had anyone to talk to. I felt like I was missing out in the past, that I shouldve met more people because now, I am alone and dont have anyone really.

I've never had a strong relationship with my parents. My dad couldnt give one damn about my school points since he gave up on it, my mother only whines about me being behind the computer too much. But yea, what else am I going to do. As I told you, I'm not much of a talker or a party guy.

So the depression came in stronger then anytime before. It's like, I have no use anymore.
I'm not happy with the way I live, no not at all. I don't know how to change it because no one is at my side. And parents... are just parents... Since I did bad at school and stopped caring about it, I also stopped caring about people. It's like, no one will understand how I feel or am anyway. Why would you look for someone when they'll leave you eventually. Why would you care for something or someone if all you or they will do is letting you down. I thought to myself, it is better to be alone. But now, it is really taking over my life. The sadness, the anti-social behaviors... I mean, I don't even smile anymore. Just today I went shopping for the hollidays and didnt really care anymore, what I should give.

I'm constantly behind a screen... Phone, computer... I mean, I saw the Twilight series twice in a week while I'm a 18 year old boy that doesnt care about those sorts of movies. But the movies really had something you know. Like, an ordenary girl who is living her own boring life, suddenly something great happens. Yea... It's been a long time since I last saw a movie.

I listen to music alot aswel, since it used to cheer me up...
One night of previous week, I started listening to piano music. Thats when the first severe thoughts came in about suicide. I thought about ending it all. Since I'll never meet succes, since I have no use, friends.
<mod edit - methods> I even dreamed about killing myself <mod edit - methods>. In the dream, I was desprate to die like I am sometimes now.

Wishing for the best but yet, nothing good is coming.
So why not have Dark Wishes to end it all...



Anyway... I found this forums yesterday, I browsered it true and realised that other people have problems too.
I wont say that I'm a social guy, but if you need a talk, you can PM me or post on here to talk to me, if you need a listening someone.


Thank you for having the time to read this, I'm not expecting someone to have but, atleast I wrote it all down.