My Story, how relatable is it to your own?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by gophillies8, Jan 22, 2014.

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  1. gophillies8

    gophillies8 New Member

    Ever since I was 4 or 5 years old, I can remember telling my dad that I was going to kill myself. I'm not even sure why. I wasn't depressed, nothing in my life was causing these feelings. Well fast forward to my freshman year of high school. I started developing social anxiety pretty badly. I first noticed it while I was standing in line for lunch, I was sweating uncontrollably from my armpits. I've never had this problem before in my life. I started making excuses up to get out of hanging out with my friends because I got so nervous just to leave the house. I did happen to have a girl friend at the time, but even around her I just started getting so nervous to the point where I would throw up before hanging out with her, I couldn't control it. Anything that caused me to be the center of attention I absolutely hated, besides playing sports. I'm not really sure why I was fine with sports but with nothing else. I started developing depression pretty badly as well.
    Well now fast forward into college. I cannot talk to girls to save my life. Even if a girl approaches me I get lost for words and I can't even come up with a sentence. And the same goes for guys, unless I'm friends with the person I cant hold a conversation at all. I hate everything about myself. Physically, psychologically, the way I act around people. Human interaction scares me. When registering for classes, I drop ones that involve presentations because I sweat/tremble/black out during them and they literally scare me more than anything else in the world. My depression and anxiety keep getting worse and I've been contemplating suicide since my sophomore year in high school. I'm now 24 years old.
    When I least expected it, a girl walked into my life and changed everything. she made me so happy, she made me forget that I hated myself, forget that I never really enjoyed life. She was so nice, yet she was controlling but it was worth it because the way she made me feel. well after the first year of dating her, she cheated on me. I found out through people at school because she was dumb enough to cheat with a kid who went to the same school as we did. We went on a break, and during the entire break she begged for me back. I did take her back and gave her a second chance. Her mom thought I wanted the break cause I wanted to meet other girls, my gf at the time never told her that she slept with another guy, even though it would have saved our relationship. well now 2.5 years into our relationship her whole family hates me, I honestly don't think it was ever my fault they hated me. I used to go to their house and the entire time they just shit talked on everyone. I never heard them say nice things about anyone, their family was always so negative to the point where I disliked going to their house. her mom demanded that we break up (keep in mind we are 22 years old). my gf begged me to fight through it with her but at this point she was living at home and I was still living at school. Her mom never let her drive to see me and I wasn't allowed in their house. I told her that maybe it would just be easier to break up since her family hated me, it wasn't fair for either of us. Yet she promised me that nothing would keep us apart, that we went through to many things to let this get between us. So my entire last semester of college, I stayed faithful to her, called her every night, did everything I possibly could to see her. The last day of the semester comes when I move home for good and she breaks up with me. She knew things weren't going to work, she just didn't want me to be able to go have fun while she was stuck at home.
    I found out she was cheating on me our entire relationship on top of some of the lies she told me. My depression and feelings of suicide were already bad before this all, but now this made everything exponentially increase. I gave up friends for her. I felt like I was worthless before, like I wasn't good enough. i could never imagine these feelings getting worse, but they do every day. The only person i ever really trusted just ruined my trust for everyone.
    Since then, I've been doing a lot of research and I figured that the method I want to use is charcoal burning for CO. I know if anyone took the time to read this that you are probably going to say its just a girl, move on and forget about it. But it's a lot more than that, it's how i was feeling before all of this, to this just reinforcing my feelings. I still have severe anxiety and obviously depression. I have no body to talk to, nobody to make me feel better, nobody to hang out with. I can't meet people because I can't hold conversations, and even if I did meet people, I have trouble leaving my house. Well there is my story. Thanks for taking the time to read it.
  2. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    I feel for you, really I do g8 and wish there was the proverbial magic wand to waft it all away and put things right for you, but we all know that only happens in fairy stories and the movies. I would encourage you to keep writing on SF, I can tell that, despite the issues you've written about, that you have much more going for you than you can see right now - and self-destruction isn't one of them, you are able to rise above this option by the knowledge that there are more and things can change, even if you cannot see how at the moment. PM me if you'd like to :)
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