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My story..I just want to move on

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by icebahamut, Apr 23, 2009.

  1. icebahamut

    icebahamut New Member

    Hi there, I just really need to let this all out. My life has really spiralled down pretty far these past few years (I'm 18 now).

    It all started about 3 years ago, when I met this guy at the mall. He was my friend's friend, so we began talking, and we started hanging out after a while. I wish I would have realized later that this guy would cause so much grief and distress in my life. Within that year, I had gotten in trouble with the police numerous times with him (mind you, I wasn't a bad kid), he introduced me to "Triple C's", a cough medicine for people with High Blood Pressure that you can take to get high and later almost ruined my life, and we almost got into numerous fights.

    Anyway, to make a long story short, I had taken 4 triple c's my first time, and then a week or so later I took 8 that night, and he introduced me to smoking marijuana at the same time. What happened was horrible. I had my first "panic attack" and it was a huge one. I felt so lost and away from time. It was the combination of Triple C's and marijuana (very potent strain). Anyway, it was possibly one of the scariest nights of my life. Then like an idiot, a few nights later I took 8 again, and panicked horribly.

    After that night..I wasn't the same again. A few nights later, I kept looking around and feeling like everything was different, and then soon I really began worrying that I had some sort of drug-induced brain damage and my perception was f*****. I began worrying about it more and more. It turns out (I'd find this out years later) it was called De-Realization, and sometimes it comes when people abuse drugs and begin to worry afterward. It's all related to anxiety.

    Anyway, for years after that, I began distressing, feeling horrible. I told my mom what I had done and we went to go see a psychiatrist and he began talking to me about my problems about once a week and then later once a month. Eventually I got on medication and I stayed away from that guy. He ended up hating me and wanted to beat me up. I feel so bad because I ended up causing my parents to spend hundreds of dollars on this psychiatrist, all because of this stupid decision I had done.

    Fast forward to three years later, about 8 months ago, I couldn't take the "not-real" feeling anymore, so I decided to try and "face" my fear of Triple C's. I took 6, tripped out, and then my perception went right back to normal. So like an idiot, a month or so later I took 8 to see if that would subconciously prove to myself I was okay, but it didn't work either. So I finally felt the need (I have a bit of OCD) to HAVE to take it during night time, when I first took it. So a few months later, around Christmas,I took 5, and that was the end of that. I realized it wasn't working, so I stopped.

    Anyway, to a month or two ago, I began worrying I had brain damage from all my drug use and worried so much. I was freaking out about it all the time and I couldn't do any school work. Every LITTLE tiny mistake I'd make, I'd blame on brain damage. I began worrying so much it felt like I really had it! I talked to multiple doctors and they all said from what I took it seems I"m okay. Or that I didn't take enough to do any permanent damage. But I continued to worry.

    Now, because a doctor released info he wasn't supposed to, my parents say I can't get health insurance on my own for possibly the next 10 years.

    All this started, because of one stupid night, meeting one stupid kid. I wish I never met him. I know I can't blame everything entirely on him. I did take the drug. He didn't force it down my throat. But he introduced me to it (and it's a very dumb/not-safe one to introduce someone to) and I just want my life to return to normal. I want to just be happy again. The drug affected me so bad, I started telling myself years ago whenever I was in the mood to do something "fun" I would say in my mind, "No I can't do that anymore...I have brain damage...It's not fun anymore.." and I slowly but surely, disliked almost doing anything.

    It really is horrible going through this each day, simply trying to be how I was.Very recently I got off my marijuana habit, because that seemed to be one of the only things that would sedate me enough to find things tolerable. My dad still doesn't know what I did, because my mom is too afraid to tell him since he'd freak out, blame it on her, and then try and leave (which he does often). I just want to be back to normal. I feel like I screwed up my life so hard just from trying a stupid drug. I've caused my parents to spend HUNDREDS, maybe even THOUSANDS of dollars on trips to the psychiatrist and whatnot. I'm just sorry for all I've done...I really want to live a happy life, it just seems so far and out of reach for me. I don't know if this is some big huge life lesson I'm supposed to learn, or just a really bad time that will go away. I just wish to move on. Can anyone out there relate to me? Has there ever been a time you met someone who affected your life so negatively? I just hope I'm not the only one..
  2. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I can't say that I did because my drug use was my own decision..It took me over 30 years to quit smoking pot..To this day and I am 52 now I wish I could still get high.. The only problem is it is illegal and I am to damn old to go to jail..There is a petition going around to legalise it for medical use here in Florida. I voted yes on it and 75% of the people who have voted are all for it..
  3. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    I'm sure eventually you will overcome this ordeal. It will take time as you know.
    Your still young and you've learnt a strong and hard lesson. Just don't live a life full of regret.
    I personally can not relate to what you have been through since I never went through such a thing.
  4. icebahamut

    icebahamut New Member

    Thanks. That helps somewhat. I know it's a hard lesson, I just hope I can move on from it.