My Story. (If You Care Enough To Read it..)

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by UnknownGirl, Jun 13, 2014.

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  1. UnknownGirl

    UnknownGirl Member

    Hi. I’m.. well, I’d rather not state my name. I’m 13 years old- shocker, yeah? No, I’m not some “emo” kid looking for attention. All I ask is to not be underestimated. I know I’m too young to be this sad, but I guess that’s just how it is.. So, I guess I’m just going to let it all out. I’m setting my life out here because why not?

    My depression. It all started when I was eight, my family was falling apart. My parents split up, and I didn’t know how to feel. My mom was crying herself to sleep every night and I thought it was my fault. So, I would punish myself. I would bite my hand or scratch my arms until they bled. I’d bite my fingernails to blood. I had many tiny ways of damaging myself.

    It wasn’t a big deal until middle school, when all of the other kids were <Mod Edit - Acy - Methods and Triggering>. I would feel relief.

    I have a <Mod Edit - Acy - methods> the other I took from my step-dads garage. It’s gotten bad. My whole wrist is covered in scars that I hide under an abundance of bracelets and I wear sweaters to cover up.

    I remember when my mom found out, she didn’t care. I was going to a physical at the doctors office and she saw my scars. She told my mom about it right in front of my eight year old brother. He didn’t know what it meant. I went to the phyc once and I had some old lady ask me questions about my life. The typical, “Have you been sexually abused?” “What’s you home life like?” “How are your grades”. Then, she typed everything I said in to her computer. She said self harming was “unacceptable” and that it isn’t normal. She made me feel worse than I did before.

    The first time I went too deep was after an argument I got into with my mom, she called me a brat and said I was spoiled. She told me she thought I didn’t love her. I was so pumped with adrenaline I didn’t know what was happening. <Mod Edit - Acy - Triggering>

    Was it bad that I was calm through it all, though? I didn’t feel a thing, I was too numb to feel at the time. I just sat there on my bathroom floor, crying and holding out my arm. I wish I would’ve died that day. It would’ve been a lot easier on me.

    Everytime I look in the mirror, I see my big nose and my chubby cheeks and my small eyes. I’ll never be pretty. If I’m not pretty I’ll always be a nobody. This whole world is based on appearance, and nobody cares about me unless I’m beautiful.

    So, now, on the first week of August.. I’m going to do it. I’ll <Mod Edit - Acy - Methods>. I wont leave a note for anybody, they wouldn’t care anyways. I’m a burden on my family. They’ll be free to do whatever they want without me, they can get rid of my stuff, they can move to a nicer place.. I’m just a distraction from their life. I’ve made up my mind, and don’t even try talking me out of it because I’m done. It’ll all be over soon. I just thought I should put my story out there so that way at least someone will know what I’m going through. Hopefully you can all be stronger than me. I guess I’m a bit scared of what will happen to me after, but I’d rather burn eternally in hell than live through this hopeless shithole.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 13, 2014
  2. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    Sorry. To sound insensitive but why August. Sounds like your mom needs help herself not just you.
  3. iwanttohelp

    iwanttohelp Well-Known Member

    I just read your whole story, thank you for having the courage to share it.

    I'm so sorry that you have been through this.

    I really hope you don't do it and you keep posting here instead.
  4. Hatshepsut

    Hatshepsut Guest

    I'm probably not the person to give advice. It's been a while since I was 13, and memory of it doesn't remake the experience of it again. I can say that pills usually don't work--the long and the short of it.

    I hope that you are safe, and know that you deserve the best things in life, always.

  5. UnknownGirl

    UnknownGirl Member

    Thank you. And I'm going to take some from my friend next door when she isn't looking. She had insomnia and her mother is a nurse so I assume I can find something out there. I'll most likely mix it with some pain medication from my step-dad when he got arm surgery and I think if I take enough of the both it'll work well.
  6. UnknownGirl

    UnknownGirl Member

    I have a concert in July and my mom is more insane than me, and I'm the lucky one in the family because I cower in my room all day in fear that she'll find a reason to hate me so she targets my brothers instead, and I cry in my room because it makes me feel like shit because I can't do anything. She's an insensitive bitch who hurts people when she gets upset. She's never beaten me or my step-brothers but she constantly calls us names and screams at us. Every time I confront her about it she insists I'm lying and nothing ever happened and then she says that I never loved her and that's why I say that stuff. She looks at my step-brothers with pure hatred and I can see it when nobody else can. When she gets angry she hits things and throws them and she goes crazy. She told me if she had a gun she would shoot herself right in front of me and she said I would laugh at her. I tried getting her help but she yells and I can't take her anymore and I can't take myself and my feelings and my fucked up friends who only need me when they're sad or bored. I hate everybody including myself and this is such a hopeless fucked up world with even worse hopeless fucked up people. I would've been gone long before now if I didn't have such an important concert to go to.
  7. UnknownGirl

    UnknownGirl Member

    his place doesn't help, the only thing that helps is me self harming and that's only for a moment and then it comes back. All of the pain. Nothing helps, I tried everything. I might chicken out but I hope not. I'm ready for this, it's only a matter of time.
  8. Twocky61

    Twocky61 Banned Member

    :freehug: UnknownGirl

    tc & try to stay strong - your Mom doesn't deserve a daughter like you; just think how she would cope if you really were a brat? But you are not & I am sure you are not as ugly as you think you are :hug: :hug: :hug:
  9. UnknownGirl

    UnknownGirl Member

    Ha. Whatever you say, but I'm pretty fucking gross looking. Also.. In a way having a shitty mom is kind of nice because she tells me all the reasons why people hate me and why she hates me and that's good to know. I guess a lot of people wonder why others dislike them but I know because of her. I would've looked in the mirror and saw that anyways, but she lets me know. She has no emotions but anger and sadness and the occasional smile at my step-dad and he's so filled with lust for her he can't see how she's treating him and his children. Fuck her. Fuck my family. They honestly disgust me. People disgust me.
  10. Turtle

    Turtle Member

    I read your story. I'm so sorry you hurt so much. I'm struggling to stay alive these days too and I get feeling ugly and worthless. One of my favorite places to go when I'm feeling like this is Shane koyzan's website. He wrote a beautiful poem called "instructions for a Bad Day". It was written for you.
  11. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    Have you tried to talk to a counselor or therapist about this perspective. I'm so sorry you feel this way, it gotta blow major to have a crappy family dynamics especially a mother the way you describe.
  12. UnknownGirl

    UnknownGirl Member

    I went to a counselor. She said the way I think is unacceptable and that I need to stop and honestly she didn't help me at all. I've tried numerous others and I just feel really awkward talking to a stranger about my feelings and then paying them for it.
  13. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    Sometimes it takes few different counselors to find the right one. I had lousy ones back in high school. Now I got a good one n its worth the money. I know it feels like moneys being wasted but your mental health is as important as something physical you would go to the regular doctor for. Theres low cost programs if one cant afford.
  14. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    Well, your post was written about a month ago, so I'm not sure if you're even going to end up seeing this, but I just wanted to mention a few things.

    1. I used to think I was horrendously ugly and fat when I was your age, and everybody at school and my entire family would always make sure to tell me so. I ended up growing up stuck in that mindset. And because of that, even when I lost weight and ended up looking completely different at about 18, and all those people who used to talk shit now say the opposite, I still struggle with my self-image today at 25. All because they got all that bullshit stuck in my head when I was younger. So point here is, don't believe what people tell you. And even if you don't like your appearance now, you still have your whole life ahead of you, and guaranteed you'll change dramatically by the time you hit about 18-19.

    2. I've been to numerous therapists and psychiatrists who made me feel even worse by telling me how far from normal I was. Fact is, most of them don't know how to do their job properly so don't let what they tell you bring you down like that. I had one therapist tell me that I was "the biggest challenge she's ever had". Another said that if I don't change, my husband might leave me. I was like who the fuck are you to tell me what my husband's going to do? You don't know him, and you don't know me, you're just an overpaid fuckwit sitting in a chair. Needless to say that one made her jaw drop open. As for the old lady who told you that cutting was "unacceptable" and "not normal", that's not the way she should have phrased that because understandably, saying that to a 13 year old would probably make them feel like what they're doing is bad and wrong, when in reality they just need someone understanding who can help.

    3. The things you say your mom has said to you are absolutely terrible, and I can understand why her saying something like "you never loved me" would make you feel the way it made you feel. My mom has said that very same phrase to me on a few occasions and it made me feel like a complete and utter piece of shit. I immediately started thinking about what I was doing wrong to make her feel that way and thinking I was a terrible person, but the truth was that I did nothing "wrong", and she was the one who was wrong saying what she said. No mother should say that to her child. Hell, children say that to their parents sometimes when they take away their phone or won't let them go out with their friends because they're still immature...but a grown adult saying it to their child is ridiculous. They should know better. You also say she didn't care when she found out you were cutting yourself, and that's also fucked up. My mom also didn't particularly care much when she found out I cut myself at 15, all she said was basically that I was stupid for doing it. And at the time, that upset and hurt me really badly, but I learned that when she was growing up those kinds of things were just unheard of and she literally didn't know how else to react to it. And actually, to be honest with you she also didn't care when I told her that I got molested either because she didn't believe me and that one hurt 10 times more, but again there's nothing I can really do about that. Obviously now I know though that I can't confide in her about things like that, so what I did was I told somebody I could confide in who did believe me. You should do the same about your cutting.

    4. Please do not mess with painkillers. I went down that road at 19 and I'm now a full-blown heroin addict. I'm trying so hard to stay clean because it's literally ruining my life, and it's so very hard to stop. It turned me into a completely different person who started stealing, writing fake checks and forging signatures, pawning every single thing I owned that was worth anything, putting myself in all kinds of debt that I still can't pay back, etc. My husband also chose that lifestyle when he was younger and ended up homeless for 3 years with an arrest record bigger than a restaurant menu. And it all started with a few painkillers for both of us. Trust me, you don't want any of that.

    All in all, I truly, honestly hope that you can get some help and stay safe. I'm sure there are a lot of people who would care if something happened to you, and no matter what your family says, although granted as I've said before they are so very wrong for how they're acting, they would still care too. Whatever you're going through right now isn't going to last forever. In a few years, your life will be completely different. As for your mom, I would try to get her into a family therapy session with you so that you can tell her how she's making you feel along with a therapist who you trust that will back you up and make sure it gets through to her. And at home if she starts screaming and throwing things and calling you names, maybe go out with some friends and try not to be around it.
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