My Story in 10 Minutes

#1
Hey,

I'm not even sure where to start, since I was around 5 I wished that I was someone else. I had a sad childhood so thinking I was someone who I wasn't would always help me get through the days. I didn't receive love either and was beaten pretty badly, so I don't know how to love or trust myself or other people. I was bullied heavily through out my childhood and teenage years, and now I'm struggling as an adult. I was diagnosed with depression at 13, BPD at 25 I am now in my 30s and I feel like I'm on the edge.

The hate I have for myself is immense, I think I am ugly, unworthy, stupid, disgusting I can go on and on. I've spent most of my life self harming and more recently denying myself of food. I honestly feel like I don't deserve to be here and I am a waste of space. I feel ungrateful and guilty that I have taken up space in the world by being me. I don't look in the mirror as everyday I see something hideous. I feel like there is no hope for me and I will continue to love this way.

I have found myself diving into other cultures and languages secretly wishing I was born again. I hate absolutely everything about myself and will daydream about being someone from another country. I do this all in secret as I feel as it noone will understand me if I tell them. I guess is my identity crisis with my BPD.

I have had countless of therapy sessions but I am always seen as resistant to treatment or untreatable. I have managed to get an appointment again to see a psychiatrist but was told that they might reject me as BPD is not seen as something they treat on the NHS. That's the heath service in the UK.

I think about suicide regularly but only recently has it started to become a regular thing that I would think about and maybe entertaining some sort of a plan. So I joined this site to maybe get some help and talk to people like myself and who have managed to pull through.

This is just a fraction of my life, but I think you get the gist. Thanks for reading if you have managed to get this far.

-Moon Beam
 

KM76710

Kangaroo Manager
SF Pro
SF Supporter
#5
@Moon Beam

Welcome and glad you joined in here. You are doing with your start and I hope that you keep posting with us because there are so many here to get to know and hear from where you are valued. There are many sections to explore and get to know and I hope that you do. Just and join in as you like.
 

SamB

SF Supporter
#6
Hey,

Welcome, it sounds like your childhood was rough at it’s had a long lasting negative impact on you. I’m sorry that it’s taken you so low but hopefully you can find some others here to share with.
When you say resistant to treatment, is that something that they say about you or something that you feel?
 
#7
@Moon Beam

Welcome and glad you joined in here. You are doing with your start and I hope that you keep posting with us because there are so many here to get to know and hear from where you are valued. There are many sections to explore and get to know and I hope that you do. Just and join in as you like.
Thank you, I appreciate it
 

Holding my breath

SF Pro
SF Supporter
#8
Hi @Moon Beam You are very welcome here and I definitely think you have come to the right place. Definitely can relate to the self hatred, the restriction of food and self harm.
Lots of us have BPD and there is also a support thread which you might find helpful. Please continue to talk with us and share more of your story. We are here to listen and support you. *hug Xx
 
#10
Hey,

Welcome, it sounds like your childhood was rough at it’s had a long lasting negative impact on you. I’m sorry that it’s taken you so low but hopefully you can find some others here to share with.
When you say resistant to treatment, is that something that they say about you or something that you feel?
Thank you, and yeah I hope so too. Its the doctors that have said this so I find that I get passed around alot. It does feel like they don't take me seriously. I'm still trying though, trying not to give up hope.
 
#11
Hi @Moon Beam You are very welcome here and I definitely think you have come to the right place. Definitely can relate to the self hatred, the restriction of food and self harm.
Lots of us have BPD and there is also a support thread which you might find helpful. Please continue to talk with us and share more of your story. We are here to listen and support you. *hug Xx
Thanks for your support and kind words :)
 
#13
Hello and welcome Moon Beam! :)

You have inherent worth as a human being. You're also probably a much better person than you give yourself credit for being.

I have had countless of therapy sessions but I am always seen as resistant to treatment or untreatable.
I'm sorry that nothing has helped so far. There might be some other treatments worth trying if you're interested.

Sending hugs
 

SamB

SF Supporter
#14
It’s not really good enough for doctors to behave like that. I would consider it the first part of therapy to address the reasons why you might be resistant to it.
Honestly you probably aren’t going to find a great therapist to sort things out for you on the NHS. But that doesn’t mean you can’t find one to help, it just means you are going to have to be more proactive in your own therapy.
As a complete outsider with no real insight I would offer a couple of possibles for you to think about. It might be that your self hatred means that you don’t think you deserve to get better. It might be that because you didn’t get unconditional love as a child you always make people work harder to prove themselves to you and that that applies to therapists as well and you deliberately resist to get them to prove that they care about you.
 

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