My Story - It's a long one

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by electron, Dec 13, 2009.

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  1. electron

    electron Member

    You might want to get comfortable for this one.

    I'm 23 and it's been almost a year of being sad which has turned into a depression.

    I guess it all started when I thought I had all our relationship problems solved with my girlfriend. For some background information: she was from Europe, I live in Canada, we met at university where she did an exchange. The 2 semesters we were together were wonderful, and she planned to come back after the summer to do a work-term semester which was a requirement of her degree. Come the new school year she was homesick, and school with me was terrible. With the combination of graduating smack-dab in the Great Recession, how terrible my final year was going, and how homesick she was, I thought the solution to all my problems was to follow her back home.

    That was December '08, throughout January I realized how improbable this adventure would be and how it wouldn't solve anything. Me being stressed with school and her being homesick caused the relationship to suffer. Feburary 14th at midnight, we made the decision to break up and she made plans to fly back in a weeks time.

    At first I went through the motions, she was my first love but I was ok. I was getting used to school to the point it wasn't so much of an issue and being single for the first time in 18 months was somewhat refreshing. I haven't dated much since then, just 2 girls, both of them very incompatible with me but I tried. No matter how hard I tried to convince myself it could work (really to end the loneliness), after the first or second date I'd end up sabotaging things before I would even get physical with them. After dating the True Love, I realized what dating could be like if it was with the right person. I made a promise to myself that I would only date girls I truly thought we were worth it. After all I thought I was a good guy, why should she be any different?

    Once the school year was done in April, I got a job as a researcher on campus (I live in my university town) and started living alone. It's been good, and I think important for me. I got tired of living with roommates for my 4 years as an undergrad. I went through the summer hoping I'd get dates, but since my town goes dead when school is not in session it was kinda difficult as the population severely drops. I didn't let it get to me, and kept on saying "when the school year starts, things will be different". The loneliness was there, but it was manageable.

    If only I knew...

    I was set to start grad school in September, I made the decision during the summer (not following my former girlfriend was a major factor) and I haven't looked back since. It's been nice, I've been enjoying it but it's been hard and time consuming. In my lab I do my research at I work with this girl. I was smitten at first sight. I got to know her, and the more I got to know her the more I thought she was worth it. I asked her out twice, both times rejected. Ouch. As school went on I got stressed, very stressed. I started eating once a day, usually those meals were forced because I knew I had to. I don't know if it's as a result, but each morning I woke up with the loneliness getting more and more to what it is today.

    I've been seeing a councilor for the past 4 months. It hasn't helped, we talk, he gives me a bunch of sheets with information any idiot could figure out, and offers me a bunch of pastel coloured books. I feel it doesn't do much, if at all for me. I still have close friends, work friends, friends in general. I like them and I like to think they like me back. Still though whenever I hang out with them I can still feel lonely. It's scary when even your friends can't help you.

    I guess the main reason why I joined this site, the whole week it's been bad, worse than ever before. Last Friday (as in the 11th) I was hanging out with my best friend. The whole time I felt miserable and it wouldn't go away. No matter how much I drank that night or how much pot I smoked, it wouldn't go away when usually it does. Yesterday I woke up angry, angry at myself, angry at life and restless. I went and bought a gym membership that day because I wanted to go and work out before I started hurting myself (I've cut and hit myself with glass bottles before), I was advised that exercise can help with these things. In the end that only made me angry that I spent that money without thinking about it, money is tight after all. My work friends called me to play poker, I did and felt really calm after that. I had to leave to catch a train to go back home to visit my parents for what was left of the weekend. For the hour and 15 minutes ride, the whole time I cried and imagined how I'd kill myself.

    I've been told that thoughts about suicide are a normal, albeit extreme, response to a lot of stress. However planning it is when it becomes a problem.

    I don't know what I can do to fix myself. I smoke a tonne of pot (a quarter about every 1.5 weeks for those who understand) and it keeps me sane when I wouldn't be otherwise. Maybe some of you have That 70's Show in your mind when I say that, but I find it gives me that internal monologue that says "what are you doing? this isn't you. Let go through this logically". Lately it hasn't been helping. I've been fantasizing more than usual lately about having a girlfriend beside me for all those good life moments. I've also been hating in contempt at the happy couples I see on the bus. Every time I see someone text messaging I wonder if they're texting their significant other about something mundane and pointless, but loving nonetheless. It makes me hate myself and I relish that.

    I can't think of a way to tell my friends, but I really really want to. I made a plunge today and over Instant Messenger tonight I told one of my friends that I've been down lately. The first time I've ever said anything to anybody regarding this, he was almost non-responsive and said he went to a councilor too at times and it works for him. After 30 minutes of idle small talk he said he had to go. I'm embarrassed I even brought it up and feel like saying sorry and that it was just me being stupid earlier. What I'd really like to say "Jeff, I'm really sorry to be springing this on you, but I feel like I want to die".

    In some aspects posting this makes me feel better, but I know it's not solving a problem and it'll only come back. I feel so alone and I want it to end. Should I have just lowered my standards while gritting my teeth with the girls I went on dates previously? I'd like to meet other people, but I hate that the only good avenue is getting drunk at a bar. Friends have been getting girls lately, and it feel like it's just rubbing salt in the wound.

    However my biggest fear right now? being alone on New Years. The irony, I said the big 3 words to the former girlfriend while watching the fireworks go off 2 New Years ago.

    Thank you to everybody who read the whole thing. It took me about 1.5 hours to write, but it's the first time I've actually said anything in this depth. I'm sure I left some important details out. But the gist of the story is there. I'm just so tired of doing everything right and still being alone.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 13, 2009
  2. Unwilling

    Unwilling Member

    Welcome Electron. Feeling negative I see, like your mass doesn't amount to anything at all? Sorry, I am a bit of a nerd and like to make physics jokes. :tongue:

    Okay enough joking (although I could go on about suborbital and electron spins). I know how you feel, being surrounded by friends and yet you cant bring yourself to say anything. The hardest part about my depression was coming out and saying it. Seems like I could only say it over the net though, so I typed up my worries in a long Msn message and stared at it for a while. Then I just closed my eyes and hit enter. The physical act seemed more taxing than it had ever been, as cheesy and dramatic as that sounds. In the end I found out that people were more apt to help me than I ever thought. If all else fails, this site seems pretty helpful in providing both support and a place to vent.

    I am wondering, are you a naturally shy person? I don't get the feeling you are from your post, maybe introverted nut not shy. You seem to be able to muster up the courage to ask out the same girl twice, which is more than I could.
  3. Ordep

    Ordep Well-Known Member

    Hey electron, no worries about the size of the post, I remember my first post here after introducing myself... that was like 3 times yours and some people still bothered to read it lol.

    Welcome to SF! I hope you can find exactly what you're looking for here.

    On to the question at hand, it seems that alot if not all of your grief and pain is coming from love-related issues. One thing I noticed is that you seem to have fond memories from your relationship with that european girl, how do you feel towards her in particular? Are you over her or does she still pop into your thoughts often?

    I can seriously relate to your pain as I'm in a similar boat myself, even a worse one maybe, but one thing I can tell you about this: you shouldn't be so strict about only giving it a shot if you really think it's worth it. Alot of people may not seem like to really have that much in common with us, but as we get to know the person, we can discover alot of common ground that was previously unnoticed. I'd say don't shut any door or window as you might shut the one that should really be opened.

    And I'm sure I don't have to tell you this but, go easy on that pot. Nothing good can come out of it. There are alot of much better ways to deal with your pain out there. Take care of yourself before taking care of your life.
  4. electron

    electron Member

    Thanks for the reply.

    No generally I'm not a shy person, which is also why it's so hard for me to say these types of things. People don't expect it so it's a large shock...even more than it normally would be. Part of me wonders if this is a situational thing, or is there something really wrong with me. I'm outgoing, but I'm still prone to depression
  5. Unwilling

    Unwilling Member

    I don't see anything wrong with you. People always saw me as the picture of stability and strength, and that does make it hard to admit to things like this. I am still dealing with it, and it took me to practically the breaking point to do so.

    I also agree with Ordep, when you are depressed or longing for others it can cloud our ability to see promise in others. I don't know if this is what is happening to you, but I knew a girl who would dump every guy she dated or not date them for various reasons that is seemed she simply used as an excuse. She did it out of fear, but I guess it could easily also be done out of these mixtures of feelings. I am not a psychologist by any means, and this is just wild speculation based on my own experience.

    One thing that I can be sure of is that you cant force yourself to love people, and as such that person you could love may not immediately show themselves. Patients, a keen eye, and giving people a chance is a good bet. Even if you don't end up loving that person, it is still someone you get close to and who could give you their support.
  6. electron

    electron Member

    I think I might have been misinterpreted.

    One of the women I dated, I dated as the rebound. I thought she was promising (it was a blind date), but it turned out within the first 10 minutes she said my jeans and shoes looked too old for going on a date, asked how much my watch cost, and got irritated when we had an honest mix up where specifically to meet up. I wanted to leave then but went through the whole course of the date out of courtasy.

    The other was better. We had an excellent fit, but she kept making excuses as to why we couldn't meet up but we communicated a lot to keep in contact. Over 2 months we went on 2 dates. Alot of it was blamed on her own issues (it came to light she's been dealing with self-worth), at first I was patient and willing to wait. Once I was offically blamed for being too inconvienient to reach (I don't own a car, can't afford it) I got tired of her melodrama and eventually gave up. I liked her, I wish it went somewhere.

    I wish you guys wouldn't think I don't keep an open mind or that I close people off. The european girl, at first, wasn't working out but I was curious to where it would lead and kept with it. I have a history of dating people out of desperation, that they were the only ones that gave me attention so I would pour it out right back at them. I know it wouldn't work out from the beginning, and when it does end, I take it out on myself that I didn't try hard enough to make it work. I had to make a decision for myself that I needed to stop that pattern of self-destructive behaviour.

    I'm in the pure sciences (obviously...), it's difficult to meet women in day to day life, let alone those available and compatible. Once school started in September I was doing 12 hour days over 6 days a week, once I started getting sick from that I cut it back to about 9-10. I don't like going to bars with the mindset to pick up, I go because I'm with my friends and I want to focus my attention on them. Clubs on campus are a potential but it's mostly people 19-20 who join them and I look like I'm 27, I got a lot of awkward looks the last time I tried.

    I don't think I'm so much longing for the previous girl, as I'm more longing for companionship. I have just as many "being a couple" fantasies about the european girl as I do about the girl I work with.
  7. Unwilling

    Unwilling Member

    I am sorry about the assumption. I know how you feel, everyone in my college thinks I am 27, they even use that exact age to judge me. But I never got odd looks. It seems odd to me that people my age would do that to even someone in their thirties. Luckily, girls at that age sometimes do go for the older looking guys, as creepy as that may sound.

    I have found that colleges have tons of opportunities to socialize. I normally hang out in the cafe, and talk to anyone who seems lonely. Sometimes we hit it off, others... err well lets not focus on that. Maybe its just that I have become oblivious to the weird looks I get from people.
  8. wallflower

    wallflower Well-Known Member

    Loneliness seems like a real cause for suicidal feelings. It makes us feel inadequate. Just keep the faith and hold on. Don't bother caring what weird people think, the ones who stare are the weird ones.

    Welcome to SF, well maybe try thinking finding the right person isn't everything.
    Try to remain positive and healthy, despite that it's hard sometimes.

    Maybe keep a journal or log of your thoughts and feelings, when you start feeling this way you can jot down how and why and especially what helps resolve those feelings. After awhile it will really offer perspective.
  9. electron

    electron Member

    So it's been a week. There's been some good, some bad. I thought I would post my feelings on here for myself as well for others who could maybe potentially be in the same situation as me, and wanted to know more. I like using this as a log for myself too with the idea included that others can see. Maybe it should be moved to another section or whatever.

    I'm not suicidal anymore, but things aren't fixed, and I feel as though I can easily slide into that again. It feels as though I've taken a lot of that grief and channeled it into just being angry at things. As well that idea of "take it like a man and deal with it" kicked in. I guess it's just taking the blame off me and putting it elsewhere. At least for now I'm not intent on hurting myself anymore so something is gained. I haven't cut myself either. I've been prone to doing that in the past when the frustration gets too much.

    Since joining the gym I've gone every day except for today and last sunday. It's not much, just 15-20 minutes of swimming which is my limit before I feel sick. It was enough to get me to eat breakfast for the first time in...4 months maybe? It was also the first time I've eaten healthy since Thanksgiving at the parents house(in October...). I've noticed some results already. To see my body improving does give me a good, pure kind of hapiness. Even for the few seconds in the mirror. I made sure it was a 24 hour gym, I go when I feel the potential to hurt myself, day or night. It's not a magical cure to make the bad thoughts go away, but it does take the edge off things, and at this point even that is enough.

    I saw the thing that I planned to kill myself with this week too. It's not mine so it's not as though I come across it every day. I felt neither good nor bad about looking at it, just a neutral malaise like looking at any other tool. I wonder if that's normal.

    I've had little motivation at my schooling this week. The main piece of equipment that I've been using broke on me and I haven't been able to fix it. My advisor has been telling EVERYBODY over the past few days that I broke it due to my own stupidity (I didn't...). I found out at the christmas party he means it as a joke when he realized that didn't sit well with me. Maybe we're all a bit testy and need the christmas break between semesters, I know I do. I never thought I'd say this but I'd be much happier just sitting and reading to catch up on my theory than doing any acutal pen-to-paper work.

    I gave it another shot and told my friend about what I was feeling, what happened, so on. He was helpful, and well equiped for talking about it. It felt good to be expressing these things to someone who understands, at least to get things out. I wanted to tell others but I didn't think it'd go well and end up with them just distancing themselves from the situation. Maybe one friend is best, I don't need a whole plethora of people rushing at me to see if I'm ok. At least now I have someone I can rely on and give support. He's gone through a lot in his life, and he also sees a threapist. I feel comfort knowing he understands. I think my dad is catching on. He's quite intuitive and he had a turbulant time during his teen years with depression. I don't know if I should say anything to the parents, maybe now isn't the time with it being christmas and all.

    Something interesting happened this week too. I went to a house party hosted by a specific group of friends. I needed that more than anything else. For the first time in...months? 6 months maybe? probably more? I actually felt truely happy at a party and not wanting to leave within an hour. They were my kind of people and it was my kind of party.

    The next day however I went to a work/school Christmas party. I was there for about 3 hours and hated every minute of it. I felt so negative being around these people. Normally I get along well with them at school, but that night I just felt rejected, ignored and side-lined. That was really for no reason at all, no one really said anything to me along those lines (aside from my advisor being "funny" about the broken equipment). I was invited to go out for drinks at the downtown bars but I ignored the invitation phone call. I went home feeling very depressed about myself, went to bed, and woke up feeling the same way.

    I don't know why events like that affect me so much. A similar thing happened last week which is what I think triggered my suicidal feelings. I wish I knew what it could mean. Why would being with one group of people bring me up so much while being with the next group push me so far down. That's kinda typical though, on occasion someone might say something innocently that will make me feel inadequate but at that moment it doesn't affect me. However at another time or another person, I can dwell on it for hours and ruin myself with thinking.

    All this gave me a tonne to think about which has left me in a blah feeling for most of the day. I suppose that's only normal. I want to say I appreciate the messages people have posted. I like to see what input other people have to offer.
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