You might want to get comfortable for this one. I'm 23 and it's been almost a year of being sad which has turned into a depression. I guess it all started when I thought I had all our relationship problems solved with my girlfriend. For some background information: she was from Europe, I live in Canada, we met at university where she did an exchange. The 2 semesters we were together were wonderful, and she planned to come back after the summer to do a work-term semester which was a requirement of her degree. Come the new school year she was homesick, and school with me was terrible. With the combination of graduating smack-dab in the Great Recession, how terrible my final year was going, and how homesick she was, I thought the solution to all my problems was to follow her back home. That was December '08, throughout January I realized how improbable this adventure would be and how it wouldn't solve anything. Me being stressed with school and her being homesick caused the relationship to suffer. Feburary 14th at midnight, we made the decision to break up and she made plans to fly back in a weeks time. At first I went through the motions, she was my first love but I was ok. I was getting used to school to the point it wasn't so much of an issue and being single for the first time in 18 months was somewhat refreshing. I haven't dated much since then, just 2 girls, both of them very incompatible with me but I tried. No matter how hard I tried to convince myself it could work (really to end the loneliness), after the first or second date I'd end up sabotaging things before I would even get physical with them. After dating the True Love, I realized what dating could be like if it was with the right person. I made a promise to myself that I would only date girls I truly thought we were worth it. After all I thought I was a good guy, why should she be any different? Once the school year was done in April, I got a job as a researcher on campus (I live in my university town) and started living alone. It's been good, and I think important for me. I got tired of living with roommates for my 4 years as an undergrad. I went through the summer hoping I'd get dates, but since my town goes dead when school is not in session it was kinda difficult as the population severely drops. I didn't let it get to me, and kept on saying "when the school year starts, things will be different". The loneliness was there, but it was manageable. If only I knew... I was set to start grad school in September, I made the decision during the summer (not following my former girlfriend was a major factor) and I haven't looked back since. It's been nice, I've been enjoying it but it's been hard and time consuming. In my lab I do my research at I work with this girl. I was smitten at first sight. I got to know her, and the more I got to know her the more I thought she was worth it. I asked her out twice, both times rejected. Ouch. As school went on I got stressed, very stressed. I started eating once a day, usually those meals were forced because I knew I had to. I don't know if it's as a result, but each morning I woke up with the loneliness getting more and more to what it is today. I've been seeing a councilor for the past 4 months. It hasn't helped, we talk, he gives me a bunch of sheets with information any idiot could figure out, and offers me a bunch of pastel coloured books. I feel it doesn't do much, if at all for me. I still have close friends, work friends, friends in general. I like them and I like to think they like me back. Still though whenever I hang out with them I can still feel lonely. It's scary when even your friends can't help you. I guess the main reason why I joined this site, the whole week it's been bad, worse than ever before. Last Friday (as in the 11th) I was hanging out with my best friend. The whole time I felt miserable and it wouldn't go away. No matter how much I drank that night or how much pot I smoked, it wouldn't go away when usually it does. Yesterday I woke up angry, angry at myself, angry at life and restless. I went and bought a gym membership that day because I wanted to go and work out before I started hurting myself (I've cut and hit myself with glass bottles before), I was advised that exercise can help with these things. In the end that only made me angry that I spent that money without thinking about it, money is tight after all. My work friends called me to play poker, I did and felt really calm after that. I had to leave to catch a train to go back home to visit my parents for what was left of the weekend. For the hour and 15 minutes ride, the whole time I cried and imagined how I'd kill myself. I've been told that thoughts about suicide are a normal, albeit extreme, response to a lot of stress. However planning it is when it becomes a problem. I don't know what I can do to fix myself. I smoke a tonne of pot (a quarter about every 1.5 weeks for those who understand) and it keeps me sane when I wouldn't be otherwise. Maybe some of you have That 70's Show in your mind when I say that, but I find it gives me that internal monologue that says "what are you doing? this isn't you. Let go through this logically". Lately it hasn't been helping. I've been fantasizing more than usual lately about having a girlfriend beside me for all those good life moments. I've also been hating in contempt at the happy couples I see on the bus. Every time I see someone text messaging I wonder if they're texting their significant other about something mundane and pointless, but loving nonetheless. It makes me hate myself and I relish that. I can't think of a way to tell my friends, but I really really want to. I made a plunge today and over Instant Messenger tonight I told one of my friends that I've been down lately. The first time I've ever said anything to anybody regarding this, he was almost non-responsive and said he went to a councilor too at times and it works for him. After 30 minutes of idle small talk he said he had to go. I'm embarrassed I even brought it up and feel like saying sorry and that it was just me being stupid earlier. What I'd really like to say "Jeff, I'm really sorry to be springing this on you, but I feel like I want to die". In some aspects posting this makes me feel better, but I know it's not solving a problem and it'll only come back. I feel so alone and I want it to end. Should I have just lowered my standards while gritting my teeth with the girls I went on dates previously? I'd like to meet other people, but I hate that the only good avenue is getting drunk at a bar. Friends have been getting girls lately, and it feel like it's just rubbing salt in the wound. However my biggest fear right now? being alone on New Years. The irony, I said the big 3 words to the former girlfriend while watching the fireworks go off 2 New Years ago. Thank you to everybody who read the whole thing. It took me about 1.5 hours to write, but it's the first time I've actually said anything in this depth. I'm sure I left some important details out. But the gist of the story is there. I'm just so tired of doing everything right and still being alone.