Hi, I've been fighting depression for as long as I can remember, I have chronic depression and GAD, last year I've had a multitude of health issues and the depression got a lot worse, I've started medication again (Effexor 150mg), it's pretty much the only drug that worked, I've tryed them all, but 6 months later I guess it's safe to say that it is not working this time, I'm tired of feeling like this, on top of my phisical health problems, that are chronic, there is major depression, I don't think I'll ever get out this time, this is scaring me. I feel trapped, like there is no way out, no hope, that is all downhill from here. I have to be honest, I have been fantasising a lot about suicide this last few months, I never made an actual attempt, but a few months ago I was on the verge, I actually had to call the emergency services, because I did not trust me, it was was out of myself, I couldn't have a rational thouht, I just wanted the pain to end, no matter what, I could not cope, I never felt so hopless, I talked with a psychologist on the phone while I waited for the emergency services to arrive, spent the night at the hospital, was evalueted the next morning and went home. Thankfully I never reached that point since, but I fear it everyday, the lack of control over my own thoughts was frightening, that level of despair was something I just never felt before and do not wish to my worst enemy. I've been through some tough times, when I was a kid, about 5 yo, the family bussiness went bankrupt, my mother entered severe depression, we lost all the money and things we had, we moved to my grandparents house, my fathers family had to flee the country because of debt, my father went to work abroad for a few years, since we lived in small town and most of the people from there were my family employees and were out of a job, I was "bullied" by pretty much everyone, people called me terrible names on the street, parents forbid their children from playing or even talking to me, and being an only child I felt completly isolated and alone, but I putted a brave face for my family, especially my mother because I knew she was suffering and I really wanted her to feel better again, but I broke inside, the world turned from a wonderfull place full of possibilities and adventure to a dark and terrible place, I was only 5 or 6 at the time, but already knew first hand how cruel the world and the people in it could be. This lasted for several years, my father worked hard and we were able to recover a bit, I changed school, so I was able to make friends again, for a while, at least on the outside things seemed normal, but I never trully recovered I guess. My self image was distorted, I've always felt different and inferior to others, I knew rationally that this was not the actual truth, but that did not made a big difference, even being top of my class I still felt like the dumbest kid in school, I felt that I could never achieve any kind of success or that I could ever be loved, I always felt ugly, stupid and a terrible person, this self loathing could have led to severe consequences in college, I hated myself so much that I threw myself into drugs, I just wanted to self destruct, I had to be constantly numb, when I was sober the pain was unreal, the guilt that I felt was overwhelming, around this time I met one of my best friends, a person that really changed me and that I owe my life, thank's to him I was able to put myself together somehow, until this day I still don't know how that happened, he really made me believe that not all humanity was terrible, that some people were just good, that friend died years later from cancer, the news hited me like a ton of bricks, it made me angry against the world, against God, against everyone and everything, it was hard, but I think it was just "normal" grief, I still imagine I talk to him sometimes. I was able to finish college and find a good job about 1 week later, I felt that my effort was being compensated, I had great friends, my own place and financially things were good, but I still couldn't shake the dark cloud that hovered over my head, my job is stressfull and I don't deal well with it, so I was never really able to relax and enjoy life, constantly worrying about the future, I believe that was this constant stress that lead to my health issues. The health issues slowly made the depression creep on me, when I realized it I was already way over my head, I had a few episodes of major depression before, but was able to get away from it, this time I don't know if I can, I do my best to eat well, exercise and sleep enough, although I need lorezapan to sleep, before the drug was prescribed I slept about 1 or 2 hours a day. I just can't relax, I cannot feel joy or happiness, I cannot concentrate, I don't know how can I get through this, I worked hard to get were I am, I fear that I may lose it all, I feel guilty for being unhappy having so much in my life and offcourse this makes me feel worse, I have a great family, good friends, a great girfriend that is also my best friend, a good job, financial stability, sure I have a chronic health condition that brings me a few (well a lot) of limitations, but it's not life threatning, I should be able to shake this terrible feelings that I have. Sorry for the long post I just needed to vent, my greatest fear at this time is that I return to the place I was when I had to call the emergency services, It was a surreal experience, like I wasn't in control of my actions, my soul was full of darkness, no way to escape.