My story...Life at HORROR SCHOOL...

Discussion in 'Bullying and Violence' started by Edicius si Evol, Mar 13, 2007.

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  1. Edicius si Evol

    Edicius si Evol Well-Known Member

    Ok...I wrote this in another forum once and I am too lazy to write all again here so I just copied and pasted and...well...yeah. Added some more.

    I've been a bully victim all my life.
    I've always been a loser.

    Acutally it already started in elementary school..I always say I was not bullied in elementary school and I was no outsider in elementary school...but I somehow was..compared to what happened to me later it was weak though.
    I was just different than the other kids. I had different interests, preferred to play other things and was maybe not as corrupted as they were.
    There were some things I had big problems with : drawing, working with scissors, with colours, with glue, opening/closing jacket, tying schoes e.t.c ....I could do all those things not as good as the others and was worse than them in it. I was very bad in sports. I lost my pencils and my other stuff very often and confused rooms e.t.c
    I wrote numbers and letters backwards and thought it was right this way.
    But then again, I was much better than them in nearly all subjects. (besides sports and arts back then...and later mathematics)
    Classmates were making fun of me bcz of various things...I was also teased because they were allouwed to stay up much longer than me and they watched horror movies I never heard of and would prolly never be allouwed to watch at that time.
    Not to forget the swearing ! When I was 6 I wasn't as corrupted as the other kids my age and I didn't know words like ****, cock, whore e.t.c though they were using those things all the time...when a girl called me "****" once I didn't know what this word meaned and asked my teacher what this word was about to mean.
    I think I dont even have to mention that I still believed in santa clause and didn't know what sex was when i entered school..all this was like..prey for them.
    They'd say ambigous things about sex and ask me questions and laugh about me or my answers.
    Violence was another factor. I never defended myself and always tried to discuss everything from early on...well, the others were beating me and I didnt defend myself..I just said how stupid they were because they were not able to discuss a problem...they were always laughing at me after i said such a thing because they simply didn't understand..and when I ran to the teachers telling them who hit me they simply were like "Solve your problems yourselves".
    Whatever....after all I gained some friends in elementary school..sure, i often argued with the others and sometimes i was teased a lot....but after all i had friends.
    I had friends and got invited to birthdays.
    Sometimes I would play with one or two girls in breaks...sometimes there were things that were when it was once cool to play volley-ball...I asked if I could join but they'd say "No. You can't. You can't play volley-ball."
    Though they never ever saw me playing it.
    Or they'd play something and when i'd ask if i could join they'd say "No this play is only for two/three ( number of ppl that are playing at this moment)" and when somebody else..or even several other ppl would come asking if they could joing they'd say "yes sure!".
    So sometimes i had to play on my own.
    However...sometimes there were one or two other girls besides me that didn't play volley-ball or whatever was trendy to play and i'd play with them.
    My best friend is a girl I know from elementary school. I still have contact with her. I used to argue a lot with her in elementary school and she also scratched my nose once so that it was bleeding..however our arguments were never for a long time and after some time everything was good again and we were best friends again.
    And we still are hence we kept the contact.

    Then I came to my horror school....honestly, this was REAL SERIOUS HEAVY BULLYING.
    ( In Germany, the teachers decide after elementary school if you should stay or if you should go to another school for further education because your marks are good..the teachers said i should go to another school for further education).
    So I went to my HORROR SCHOOL.
    And it still hurts me a lot to tell because I still didn't get over it.
    After the occaisonal bullyings in elementary school I started to change a bit because I didn't want to be unpopular I tried to work with my problems as good as possible.
    In elementary school I always dreamed I had many friends and nobody was laughing at me like the other pupils in elementary school often did..thinking I was very strange...
    I changed.
    I wasn't "the different" kid and seemed to be like everybody else...
    I was no weird kid anymore like I was in elementary school...I was pretty normal...but somehow I was still different. I cant explain opinions were just different and I was against peer-pressure I refused to do stuff just because others considered it to be cool...I refused to have an opinion just because the majority had this opinion...I always said what was on my mind and nobody seemed to like that.

    I just skip the bullying in class 5 and 6...yes, I was bullied...yes I was beaten a lot...yes I felt bad everytime i had to go to school and my stomach was aching when I had to get up.
    They were saying stuff to me like...I am fat and ugly and extremely stupid and so being fat was the running gag through all the years I was at this school. Funnily, I was never seriously overweighted ( I was always like the last two numbers of my height..let's say 1,58m and then I weighted 58kg too..maybe not slim but not as fat and disgustingly obese as everyone said I was )
    And there were some people that were really fat and really overweighted who were making fun of me aswell saying I was fat which was a kinda ironic thing to me.

    Fat girl to me: Yuck, you are fat

    Me: and what about you ?

    Fat girl: suck bitch ! Shut up or i'll punch ya

    I was especially bullied during sport lessons. Yes, I do suck at sports. I still do. They were constantly laughing at me..they were arguing who *had* to take me in a team and when a team lost it was for sure all my fault. Everything was my fault..even the fact that I sucked at sports was my fault bcz of my fatness that was only bcz I was too stupid to realise that I should lose weight ( that I am much slimmer and I still suck very bad at sports...).
    When I received a 4 once, which is a pretty bad mark to have in sports but not the worst mark you can get...everyone was upset why I didn't get a 5 (nearly the worst mark you can have..6 means you totally failed and need to be expelled from school..5 means you are miserable...)because I surely deserved one. They went to the teacher and complained though it made no sense because you only receive a 5 in sports when you never participate or if you don't seem to do anything or if you are constantly playing unfair...and none of those things applied to me.

    Oh and yes...they also played this game with me that I already knew from elementary school.."pest"'s like...i am the pest and everything I touch automatically also has the pest...and nobody should ever touch anything of my stuff, anything of me or anything i have toched...they weren't willing to lend me stuff and they also teased each other with throwing my things at each other and so on.

    But it started to be much, much worse. Until grade 7 I had always like one or two "nicer girls"...I hung around with them in the break..I knew that they weren't rly my friends but they have never beaten me and they didn't yell at me or chase me away when I was with them. They didn't even throw sticks. So I thought they are probably nice.

    One of the girls changed school...the other one came into another class and found other friends...ppl that didn't like me.

    The first times I tried to hang around with others...but they were yelling at me or running away or stuff like that.
    So I had to spend breaks with another person I disliked: myself.
    A very sad chapter of my life had started..full of irony. I rly cant write about all the annoying details..some things are rly sad and cruel...some others are full of irony. Maybe I'll write a book about it someday.

    I didn't know what to do in I started doing the most random thing in the world: Staring at the showcases with pictures of other pupils and their names under it. I did it every break. From class 7 until class 9/10.
    Every break you could find me standing there at the same place..all alone..staring.
    Pupils were asking me odd questions like: "Are you a retard?" or "Are you learning those names by heart"....hey, they were actually giving me ideas. I was so bored that I learned all those fucking names by heart. There was nothing else to do. I knew it was pointless because when I saw for example a girl called Maria Müller I wouldnt be like: "Hey, your name is Maria Müller from the second row on the picture. Wanna be friends?" I did it just because...i was kinda rebelling...rebelling about school and about the fact that nobody seemed to realise how desperate I was in fact and that no teacher ever tried to help me...I was just nothing....eventually surrounded by a bunch of smaller boys that were making fun of me by asking me strange and stupid questions and then laughing about my ironic answers...not even understanding them and thinking I was as stupid as I pretended to be. Hilirious.
    However, I wasn't alone in breaks anymore..I was already a legend.
    Some pupils were wasting their own damn breaks just to follow me around..they were standing next to me imitating me...laughing at me...i mostly ignored them and didn't answer hence all they prolly wanted was attention...but then they also started beating me and stuff.
    Sometimes it was ridiculous though...I always knew for example who was kicking me or pulling my hair and stuff....the showcase was made of glass and had kinda a mirror i new who did what. I just ignored it.
    I just wanted the breaks to go over soon...i hated breaks because it was meaning humiliation.
    Everybody knew me. "That's the strange and stupid outsider girl that nobody likes...she is weird..every break she is standing in front of the showcase staring in a dead way at the pictures of the same pupils...i have the feeling she is kinda mentally ill..or retarded or something"...actually, i wasnt...sometimes I only seemed staring at those pics while I was thinking about other random stuff...or tried to deal with the things that classmates did to me during the lessons...
    I was sitting next to this boy who was constantly beating me..and I highly disliked that in fact.
    He was very were the other boys. Strangely it were only the boys who were beating me...the girls just were bitchy towards me. The boy sitting next to me for example grabbed me by the hair and smashed my head against the table...he was even beating and kicking me during the lessons and when i complained the teachers said i shouldnt disturb the lessons with my screaming.
    They also took my pencils and my penicl-case and threw them was like..kinda toys for them. I said they shouldn't do this and that this isn't a nice thing to do...but they didn't stop.
    They were throwing all the stuff one could throw at me.
    They threw my stuff in dirty corners..out of the window...they were throwing my stuff at each other for teasing each other because everything belonging to me was for sure "disgusting".
    They broke all my pencils and broke all my pencil cases and stuff...I had to explain my Mom at home why again my pencil case was broken and why again my pencil were broken and why again i was bruised all over...and I always made stories up because I didn't dare to say the truth...I was always so..ashamed.
    They were playing stupid games with were throwing my pencil case somewhere..and when I was about to get it I couldn't get back to my seat because they blocked the way with chairs and so on...those games happened a time nearly everyday...i had to crawl to get to my seat or..i had no chair because it was standing on the cupboard or my pencils were in the water or all over in class. Or when they were playing ball in class..they were always throwing the ball very hard at me...they were saying stuff to me like:
    "Die ! Kill yourself !" "You are worthles, kill yourself" "You don't deserve to live"
    "You are no human being, because human beings can are stupid and you cant think therefore you deserve to die" "You are mentally, physically and psychologically weak"
    "You are a fat pig and deserve to be slaughtered" "You have no friends..guess are stupid and ugly" e.t.c
    When I said something back they were kicking me or beating me... sometimes three or four boys...
    Every morning when I came to school they were welcoming me with "You suck!" or "You are a piece of shit" instead of "good morning!".
    And then all those games would start. It was entertainment for them.
    They would create some kind of "art" with other random stuff or trash on my desk or my chair..or they were hiding my chair..they would block the way an so i couldn't sit me around with throwing my was like a sport for them. It was every morning.
    One of the most humiliating moments was in grade 8 when some girls were throwing with my clothes in the change-room before sports lessons (it was in a break..some people could already come in and change clothes...but only few ppl did so)...and they started throwing my clothes into the boys-change room. I tried to get it ..i tried everything...but I had to go inside bcz they weren't willing to give me the clothes and they were threatening to destroy my i had to go into the boys-change room..and two boys were there and I was in my underwear. They took me by the arms and kicked and started to beat me. Then i grabbed my clothes and ran away. This was one of the most humiliating moments in my whole life acutally.

    And often when I entered the class they were drawing something on the board like a monster and an arrow with "This is (my name)" or they wrote: "(My name) is a stupid bitch" and so on...
    They'd also write words in big letters on my desk like "FAT BITCH" e.t.c
    It didn't get better.
    In grade 9 i couldn't stare at the photos anymore because nearly the whole school started standing next to me... i was so depressed because of all this that I rly started to cry every night and wanted to kill myself...i started to only wear black and a long black coat..but that only made them start being worse like: "yes, please kill urself" "uhh..satanist" and so on.
    They were making fun of the fact that i suffred. "You are the sadness in person"...they said..and they were making fun of the fact that i cut myself when they saw my many scars on my arms in the changers-room.
  2. Edicius si Evol

    Edicius si Evol Well-Known Member

    They started beating me even more saying "You cut don't know what real pain is..i will show you" or "You seem to like pain"...and then beating me.
    I started running around school instead of staring at pictures. That was even worse...ppl were throwing sticks and stones at me..and were following me around was nearly a forrest gump thing going on because they imitated me and again i'd have a bunch of ppl after me.
    People were obsessed with me.
    I so hated everyone...everyone seemed to have the right to make fun of me doesn't matter how stupid he/she were.

    Two random older girls i didnt know: Do you have no friends or what ? (hhaha)

    Me: Oh yes...I have a lot of friends....imaginary friends

    Two random older girls: imagewhat ? imagini..? image..? Wtf? What kind of strange words does she use ? (haha) I bet she is kinda nerd or something..haha..what does imaginea..mean ?

    Me: Imaginary means only existent in your mind...but I was trying to be ironic

    Two random girls : Irowhat ? HAHAAHAHA. This girl is so strange. How she talks and what kind of funny words she uses...ahahahhaahha
    there were conversations like this everyday...and i remember this convo so well bcz i thought: "wow...and those people are calling me stupid"

    I was famous and everyone in school knew me. Some boys made up a nickname for is a big insult considering what it actually means....they were calling me that...hence some ppl have siblings or friends in other classes this nickname spread and strangers started calling me that...some even thinking this was my real name. It happened when I went somewhere and a class was waiting for something the whole class started pointing at me saying "there she is"..and they were screaming this name at me all the time.
    I even had my own "fan-club"...those people were like stalkers claiming to be my fans.

    In grade 10 I had a teacher who especially hated me too. It was no secret that the teachers hated me too..they ignored the beatings and maltreatments and ignored it when i demanded for help. In the end everything was my fault. This teacher actually said in class several times that I am stupid. He said it very often.
    Teacher were blaming ME. They were asking me why this bullying happens...once this weird school-shrink would ask me why i am alone in the breaks and i said "This is a protest to society".
    It wasn'T anymore about being alone...or about the fact that nobody liked the end some younger girls would say i could be with them in breaks...but i didn't want to anymore. I didn't want to spend the breaks with ppl i hardly knew just bcz they felt pity for me.
    It were younger girls i had nothing in common with..they just felt pity.
    So I preferred being alone.
    I was angered about this school system, about the teachers...I wanted to show everybody what this system , what those students and those teachers were doing to me.
    I guess I was acting more weirdo in the end than i actually was...yes, this gave ppl more reasons for bullying me..but i didnt fucking care anymore.
    I didn't care anymore if i was beaten or humiliated or yelled at...i wanted to show others what this school is doing...
    But nobody understood.
    It happened that some girls from my class came to me saying: "Hey..sometimes we are kinda sorry how everyone is treating seem to be a nice person..but you are just dressing this weird way...all in black...much too long hair..clothes that are not in about we go shopping and actually help you a you a new styling...later we can maybe go to the cinema or something..and we can give you clues how to style yourself so you look less ugly.You are really wearing ugly clothes and you look like a nerd or like a satanist..this is so ugly and disgusting [instert random insults] You should let us change you a bit"

    I said no. They were like: "yes, but this way everyone thinks you are a total freak and doesn't like you. If you are stylish then you will have more friends"

    I said: "If somebody doesn't like the way I am then this person doesn't like me. It won't change just because I wear different clothers..and if so...then it's a pretty superficial person. You don't choose your friends by your clothes. I dont see the point in changing my outiside and being somebody i am not just for being accepted"

    They had the nerve to answer: "You do choose your friends by your clothes. That's how it works. Thats the outside and the outside is the first thing you see in a person...thats how you judge someone wheather you want him/her to be your friend or not. I wouldn't like to be the friend of someone who dresses in a strange way."

    I answered stuff like "You are not marrying your friends...the outside does maybe count in your bf/gf..but normal are with somebody because you like him/her and not because he/she wears the coolest clothes..."

    Well...this conversation was my ETERNAL grave..bcz since then the girls started being meaner to me saying: "It's all your fault. It's all your fault why you are an outsider..we wanted to help you and were actually all nice to you..and you were mean and distant".
    And that's the same thing the teacher said. He said it's my faul why i am an outsider bcz i refused help.
    It was new that the boys were waiting outside school for me and for beating me up.
    The beatings became harder and they were also threatening me with knives.
    They were beating me in the classtroom with damn motherfucking broomsticks...very hard.

    A girl punched my face very hard DURING sport lessons and when i went to the sports teacher she was furiously screaming: "Don't disturb. You are rly annoying. Stop with this kindergarten stuff and solve your problems yourself. I am busy."

    This girl also often did things saying i was it. That happened pretty often. When something wrong happened..hey, it was me.
    This girl said everyday to me "You are shit!".
    She was insulting my mother aswell..saying she's a bitch and so on.
    The class blamed me for everything..and since the class was a majority the teachers always believed them.

    The class also divided in three groups:

    Non-Germans ( turks, afghans..the majority of the class)

    [ Yeah...i actually live in...kinda "bad area"..i can't explain this..a lot of crime and immegrants and gangs and so on...and those gangs push others around e.t.c often turkish gangs thinking they are cool with their knives and their hip hop music]


    Me ( Loser)

    The non-germans were racist towards the germans and were quite mean..because they were the majority and feeling strong...the germans weren't much better either though..talking bad about the non-germans aswell..they just weren't as aggressive since they were the minotiry...both found unity in one thing: bullying me.

    Because everybody hated me.
  3. Edicius si Evol

    Edicius si Evol Well-Known Member

    The sitting order in grade 10:

    In the first three rows were non-germans only , in the fourth row were germans only...

    on the side I had a row all alone with emty tables around in the middle.
    I was used to sit alone on a table...but wow, now i had a row just for me.

    "You stink" was the new "You are fat" since it opened much more opportunities...they could justify why they didn't wanted to be 10m around me (only for beating me up they could be near me..i guess i didnt stink then) was the reason why i was an outsider (yes, though nobody had the idea the years before) was ridiculous since NOBODY of the other people who knew me were ever thinking that i stink.
    But if there was a new teacher who asked why i was all alone they would say i'd stink and the teachers would believe them....
    The teachers would agree saying I stink.

    It was so humiliating...THE TEACHERS were smelling my jackets and my stuff and front of the class saying the class was right saying i smell.
    Though NOBODY else ever said i'd stink and everyone would confirm i smell totally normal.

    I had two outbursts.

    Once, when the whole class was screaming at me (yeah it is so mean when the whole class shouts at you insulting you e.t.c cheering each other on and you can't rly defend yourself) I was screaming back very loud.
    I am not angered easily. But once when i am angry, i am very angry.
    And I am very seldom angry.
    I was screaming so psycho-like and loud..and could hear me in the neighbour halls and my throat hurt. Everyone was laughing at me.
    I tried to smash a chair once but it hurt me more than I smashed the chair.
    Then I went angrily out of class sitting outside.
    When the lessons started the teacher had to go outside and get me.
    I was refusing to come in though unless the argument i had with the girl would be solved. However, the teacher was getting very angry so i had to obey.
    I would often run out of class because bad things were happing and the teacher were either ignoring or encouraging it.
    I said i would scream i would leave the lessons if the teacher wouldn't do anything.
    But in the end i was always punished.

    I once, and this was the only time i defended myself "physically" spit on a boy after heavy verbal abuse the whole day.
    The boy kicked me so my thigh had a big bruise in all rainbow colours and hit my face with the back of his hand so hard that my mouth was bleeding.
    After that the class called me "LLama" for some time.

    I hated this fucking school because it was so fucking hypocrite.
    It had a big chart on the wall of the main hall "The chart of tolerance" made of glass and it said in big letters stuff like "We are a school where people tolerate each other, have respect, abolish violence, understand each other doesn't matter how they are or what country they come from, blablahalahah".
    The headmaster was so proud of this big glass thingy...I WANTED TO SMASH IT...because NOTHING what was said there was true.

    Well...i changed school.

    For a year i was in another school...i had one or two friends the end i was kinda bullied too...five or six bitches were talking bad about me and screaming at me and ridiculing me..and some boys were always saying i was stupid and asked me questions laughing when i said something wrong.

    ( btw thank you dear horror school..i nearly became bulimic before i changed to that school bcz i thought i was bullied bcz i was fat and if i was slim i'd have friends at the new school).

    Now i am on another school for about two years...i have two or three friends...and some ppl i like..i get along with nearly everybody..sure there are still *some* ppl that talk bad about me and don't like me...but i am not rly bullied and after all you can't be liked by everyone.

    I nearly got over the 5 years in horror school though. I still have many probs bcz of it though.
    I tried to kill myself and didn'T wanted to live any longer....i didn'T even write about everything.

    However. Life goes on.

    But acutally the bully-problem kinda haunts me and i always fear ppl dislike me or are planning to be mean to me.
  4. Ruby

    Ruby Well-Known Member

    I am SO sorry that you've had to go through that, I really am. You should congratulate yourself for being so strong, seriously. I REALLY hope things get better for you. You don't deserve what they did.
  5. Guy Incognito XI

    Guy Incognito XI Well-Known Member

    This may not help much, but if someone ever tried to bully me let alone treat me the way they treated you, I would rip their freaking face to pieces with my bare hands.

    No JOKE!
  6. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member


    I just read the whole thing, and it really made me angry :mad:.

    I'm really sorry that you have had to go through all that crap, and I'm really impressed that you've come through it and that you know that the people who treated you that way are in the wrong (not you).

    Nobody should have to cope with that kind of thing! It makes me sick that people can be so fucking cruel :dry:.

    Did you tell your parents what was happening to you?

    I was bullied at school from day one, pretty much. A lot of your experiences reminded me of stuff that has happened to me. I've come through it now, and the people who treat me that way are just a tiny minority. I'm actually quite well-liked amongst my peers. I think the most important thing is realising that it's no good trying to change yourself for other people. That's what liberated me - the 'If you don't like me for me then you're not worth my time' attitude. Unfortunately it took me quite a while to figure this out, and of course for a while afterwards things only got worse. But eventually most people kind of gained this... grudging respect.

    I think most people today are embarrassed by all the awful things they did to me while I was younger. I will never forget what they did but I will not be nasty to them about it, it just makes me stronger to be perfectly civil with them while watching them squirm with shame :smile:.

    It still affects me today though. I wouldn't say it's the primary cause of my problems with depression and anxiety (that's much more to do with stuff at home) but it's a compounding factor when I'm feeling low.

    If you ever want to talk, I'd love to get to know you :smile:. PM me any time. :hug: x
  7. Axiom

    Axiom Account Closed

    Way to stay strong to who you are and not betray yourself. You withstood such a horrific time of your life, and still are who you are. You survived that.. you've got a lot of strength in you.

    I'm glad things are moving better for you :)

    All I know is people like to watch and make others suffer, "it's like blood to a vampire" to quote a song. Without it, these people are left to themselves and that terrifies them more than anything.

    I wish you the best :)
  8. Edicius si Evol

    Edicius si Evol Well-Known Member

    Yeah...I told my mom sometimes about arguments..i told her that i was all alone in breaks and how they were teasing me.
    I didn't dare to tell every details though. When i was beaten e.t.c that was embearrassing..but my mom knew that the other classmates were treating me very bad.

    Yeah. I was always like that.

    Though I figured that the bullying changed me too in a bit.

    Because the more I was bullied the more defiant I became.

    I didn't wanted to be like the others and deliberately changed myself for being *differen*.
    I was rebelling.

    I was intentionally dressing weird and styling myself ugly.
    ( Only black clothes, pale make-up, wine red lips, etc) for not being like all the other shitheads.

    Now I figured that this is ridiculous aswell and I became quite stylish^^

    Because i wanted it.
  9. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    Well I'm glad you're dressing to please yourself, so-to-speak. Rather than other people :smile:.

    Was your mum supportive about it all?
  10. Edicius si Evol

    Edicius si Evol Well-Known Member

    Well...yeah...she supported me in changing school.

    She also talked to the teachers but figured aswell that talking to the teachers doesn't help.

    The only thing i highly disliked was when i was arguing with my mom or so and then my mom would start with stuff like:

    "Yeah...and that's why nobody likes you and why you are bullied at school..because you are so defiant/agressive/naughty [insert random word]"

    This always hurt me like hell.
  11. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    Owch :hug:.

    That's one of the problems with mothers. They know how to push all our buttons :sad:. But I'm sure she only said it in anger, not because she really means it.

    Are things okay where you are now?
  12. LeaveMeAlone

    LeaveMeAlone Well-Known Member

    I am so upset reading about all that. It reminds me a lot of many of the things that happened to me in school. Though it wasn't always that bad for me.

    I am amazed by how well you recall it all, I have forgotten most of what happened to me or don't remember it well even if I try. I thought about writing a book but I wouldn't be able to.

    To be honest you really should name all the people, the teachers, the school. ask a newspaper if the want your story. you might be able to save some other kids by raising awareness of what really happens.

    you might also have a possible law suit I don't know, you should.

    Oh and all black with red wine lips sounds very sexy to me.
  13. Edicius si Evol

    Edicius si Evol Well-Known Member


    Yeah, I have a few friends.

    I am still not soooo popular and *some* ppl sometimes make fun of me...but I get alon well with the majority of ppl and have some friends.
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