My Story lol

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Anonymous11, Oct 31, 2009.

  1. Anonymous11

    Anonymous11 Member

    The other day my mom told me that I was one of the happiest kids she had ever seen, and that got me thinking as to what it was that had changed me so much.I was never all that great in school like most boys aren't, but I did ok for the most part never got in any trouble.

    But about 7 years ago at the start of 7th grade my sister was out partying with some friends and decided to ride around with a friend on a motorcycle, they got in a wreck and she ended up in a coma for 4 months when she woke up she was a completely different person, she could no longer use her right arm and had a severe brain injury. She went through rehabilitation and eventually came home but because of her injuries she was no longer the same person. she was prone to very violent fits and was very abusive I even remember her hitting me with a frying pan one time lol. This put alot of stress
    on my parents and my dad and her would fight constantly.

    About a month after she was home my dad developed a lump on his neck, he went to the doctor and had tests done and it was determined that he had cancer. For those of you who have seen or felt the affects of cancer treatments knows how horrible it is. My dad was always a very strong man, after he got done with his first round of treatments he lost most of his muscle mass, all of his hair, he had to have his teeth removed because radiation destroyed the roots. But even through all that he continued working everyday and would always go to work after his treatments of chemotherapy and radiation, but they did put his cancer in remission and for that I am thankful.

    I barely scraped through school and once I finished 8th grade my parents decided to move out of the city into the country. We moved to a very small town of less then 1000 people, but despite the remoteness and small population It's actually quite nice. My sister had left the house by this point after an incident I'd rather not get into. I started 9th grade shortly after we moved in it was a very small school less than 150 students. But by this point I had a hatred for school I just wanted to stay home and I would often fake being sick to go home. I never did my homework and my grades reflected it. I did manage to make a few friends though and things started to look up or me, but that didn't last. My dad went in for a routine check up and they discovered that his cancer had returned.

    His only option was to undergo intense chemotherapy and radiation followed by a bone marrow transplant. Due to the intensiveness of his treatment they were forced to hospitalize him. To deliver his treatments they had to implant something that's called a hickman its like a permanent I.V. above his heart and that's how they delivered his treatments. I have never in my life seen anyone suffer so much pain. He became bed ridden and began to hallucinate and would sometimes not recognize the people who came to visit him that lasted about 6 months.

    Once he was released from the hospital he wasn't allowed to come home because we lived so far from the hospital. And he stayed with my brother for about a month. Once he finally came home It was hard to believe he was the same dad, he had aged at least 25 years in that short time. The treatments had saved his life but destroyed his body, his bones are so weak that he
    he fractured his hip walking and had to have a hip replacement, his eyes developed cataracts and he had to have eye surgery. He now lives with so much pain that some days he can barely walk or get out of bed. His memory is so bad that he often cant remember dates and times or what he did yesterday.

    I dropped out of high school in 10th grade for a combination of reasons, my dad needed someone to help take care of him and I was encouraged by he school to drop out and get a G.E.D. because i was told I had no hope of graduating. About this time my uncle who lived next door began to suffer complications from his alcoholism and nearly died on several occasions. I
    don't remember how many times my aunt called me asking to help come pick my uncle up off the floor or out of the bath tub because he was to drunk and weak to get up. On one occasion he didn't recognize me and a friend in his field and shot near us. There are alot more issues that went on between our two house holds but it would take to long to go into detail about them. Two years passed of me helping to take care of my dad and doing a lot of stuff around the house, because he no longer could do a lot of things I did. I learned how to fix cars, remodel rooms, fix wiring/electrical issues, replace sinks etc. but I was happy to do it.

    After I turned 18 I got a job working in a local restaurant and I had perhaps the most fun of my life. I started as a dish washer and eventually worked my way up to being a full cook. I worked there for a while and eventually fell really hard for a girl who worked there. I asked her out and she agreed It was one of the happiest moments of my life, but this happiness didn't last.
    The events of the last few years had taken a huge toll on my mom she developed an anxiety disorder and high blood pressure. One night while cooking dinner she suddenly collapsed and was rushed to the hospital. Doctors weren't able to figure out the cause I still think it was a small heart attack and it happened again a few weeks later at her work for a while they couldn't find her pulse.

    Things between me and the girl at work got more heated and then suddenly one day she told me that I liked her more then she liked me and that she wasn't looking for a boyfriend right now but that we that we could still go on dates and stuff. That hurt more than I imagined such things would, we continued to kind of see each other and I continually mad a huge ass of myself and screwed everything up eventually one night we were sitting together and it came out that she had slept with a guy that was a "friends with benefits" I can't even begin to describe the pain I felt. For some reason I have a hard time recalling events of the following month or two but I did stop talking to her and eventually quit that job because now it made me so miserable I'd say in most part it was because of her that I quit.

    There is so much I have left out because there truly is no way I can remember it all or put it all down on here Im sorry if its hard to read or it seems that im rambling. I'm just writing to get this stuff off my chest. I have often considered suicide but ruled it out because It would be the easy way out and there are still people who need me. I fear the thought of someone liking me now especially women I have a hard time relating or understanding other people and am always wary of them and there intentions even if I dont show it. I just feel alienated from everyone and everything I do want to move out and start my life but there seems to be so much holding me back, I cant just abandon my parents. The constant pain and depression is very hard to endure and it has changed me so so much I'm not the same happy person anymore. I'm always tired and have no energy and can often have sudden mood swings where i will be ok one minute and the next ill
    be incredibly depressed / Irritable. But I do believe that one day I will find happiness and someone to share it with, until then i just have to endure and keep going.

    Thank you for taking the time to read this and im really sorry if some of it doesn't make much sense there is just so much and I've never really talked about it before also sorry for any typos im on my laptop and its kinda screwy

    Good night everyone
     
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    That was the most hope filled, self growing, endurance testing thing I have read in a long time. You should be so very proud of what you have over come and how much you have progressed. You are an incredible young man. Be proud of who you are and how hard you worked to get there. Just wow!!!!

    Something to think about. I know how much you "learn" to do on your own when you have no choice but to do those things. Seeing as how you learned so many things about remodelling.......... is there a building on your parents property that you could redo into a small suite for yourself? That way you would have your own space but still be close by when your family needs you. Not even necessarily any plumbing, you could still use the main house. But atleast a place so at the end of the day you can head in there and say phew!! A place to take a break from everything around you that keeps you on call. Give it a thought ok?
    Please keep holding on to the hopes, dreams and beliefs you have. They are excellent goals to aim for. And anytime you find yourself overwhelmed, post about it here. I'm a pm away if you ever want a little personal feed back. Wow!!!!!! :arms: