My story (long post)

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by kingpin, Oct 27, 2014.

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  1. kingpin

    kingpin New Member

    I have known my self-consciousness since about the age of 8 when In year 5 I ws convinced I was too fat and refused to take my jumper off due to me thinking I looked to fat without it. Skip a couple of years as we head into secondary school im 11/12 at this point and was ready to open up and reveal the world for what it truely was. It was a great place and I find this girl that I liked and after about a year of being too nervous to ask her out I pluck up the courage to ask her out and dyou know what she does? She laughs at me and pulls this really awkward face as though I was never good enough to even consider qualifying. Fast forward another couple of years and im 15 and most people have reached AT Least 2nd base and im still trying to figure whats wrong with me. When 16 come I realised I was the problem and to solve this crisis I find the most beautiful substance in the world. Narcotics. I didn't care what went into my body just as long as I didnt have to wake up to what the reality was which at this point I was a fat druggie virgin and the furthest I had ever gone with a girl was incestuous I.e I kissed my mum on the lips

    Dont feel sorry for me as all the way through this point I had a friend who helped me. but as time went on we did part and by year 12 I was looking forward to university. Uni would be my resurrestion because I could make myself whoever I wanted to be. However, When I got there I found myself lying all the time about how I had done more than just hug a girl and I wanted to make myself different but after a week I realised how pathetic I was. "There MUST be something wrong with me", "your 18 and havent even kissed a girl" and "you will never be the person who you want to be" are some of the few comments my mind bullies me with. I had had enough. <mod edit - methods> Anyone who has had a suicide attempt will know the solidarity that comes with it. Where your thoughts brew but now I had new feelings of shame, blinding anger and bedrock. I had hit a new low and this was not over now my mind would be able to make a list of why not to live:
    1. not missed too much
    2.you still havent even kissed a girl and your now approaching 19 years old
    3.ugly, fat and unattractive
    4. already tried to commit suicide and failed with that.

    After knowing my first attempt was so sloppy I then start to plan I write pages upon pages of notes of planning letters and notes to loved ones and to be read at my funeral but anyway time moves on more I turn 19 and live my life. Ironically knowing that I was going to kill myself in the near future gave me more freedom I have ever felt as nothing what I did techinally mattered. <mod edit -methods> I ended up in hospital again. about 6 months have passed and theres not a day that goes by that I wish I wasnt me but unfortunately any suicide survivor will tell you its something that you just have to live with and although I have finally kissed a girl who isnt related loooool I have alot of recovering to do before I will begin to enjoy life again If you have any questions or worries about yourself or other people comment below or if your just a nosey fucker leave a question below
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 28, 2014
  2. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    Hi Kingpin, My name is Leigh. I have no questions for you, I would like to welcome you to SF. Yes I do know what suicide survivors say and do. I am one, I too have had the experience. I am sorry for what you have gone through and sincerely hope you don't have to go through it again. There are people in here that you can get in touch with that can and will help you with any questions you may have or any problems that arise. There are caring concerned and committed people here and You are safe........I wish you the best.
     
  3. kingpin

    kingpin New Member

    Thank you if anything I just wanted this to be out there im sure 99% of males in my situation feel the same
     
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