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My story (long post)

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I grew up in a family where as I was emotionally neglected. father worked many hours (he loves money) and mother just wanted to spend her time alone before and after she became a drunk.
Suicidal thoughts started in my teens, I would dream about having cancer or anything to be dead cause I have never fit in and I was bullied alot in school.
College is where I met my only friend who has stuck by me, we have known each other for 18 years and been roommates for 15 years. That time was more the happier time in my life.
I have been rejected by a lot of guys and I did not date that much, when I did I never was in love, cause they used me. I was engaged once but he was abusive so I broke it off, that was over 10 years ago and I have not been with a guy since, no guy has asked me out, I guess it is cause of the lack of make-up that I wear and how I can not dye my hair, all cause of allergies. :(
I tried to comment suicide (pill OD) back in 1998 ended up in the hospital.
There has been times after that when I have wanted to be dead.
I moved away from home (6 states away) to a state that has ripped my life apart. First I thought moving here was my fathers dream and he said that he and mother would come here too, he promised, I found out that was a lie just to get me away from wanting to come over for holidays to spend time with them. My father wanted to live in his world of gambling and mother wanted to live in her world of drinking, and I was just in the way even if my visits with them were only 2 hours long.
Everything fell apart when I got here, first it was that my only friend/roommate and I lost the apartment, then we were homeless twice in which the second time my father said that I could not move home because I would interfere with his and mothers life (life of gambling and drinking). They would not even let me live in a tent in their back yard.
That night a storm was around and I went to a metal fence and gripped it so tightly begging God to take me (lightning striking the fence). My only friend had to pull me with force away from the metal fence and took me to safty.
In this state that I moved to, I have been lied too, taken advantage of, bullied and when I confronted the bully sternly it made matters worse and the sad thing is that the Landlord said that she adores him cause he is a jerk. The landlord said it may be best if my only friend and I look for another place to live, even though we pay rent on time and he does not, we follow the rules and he does not. Yet another rejection here, in this state.
I have been rejected more in my 2.5 years down in this state than I have in my entire life.
Last night I had my bottle of Xanax and Zoloft so close to taking my life, so very close, just wanted to end it all. I just can't handle the fact that people hate me, I hate me, why cause I am so kind to others, I am pure, I like to make others happy and sadly I have found that here in this state people absolutely just hate people who are nice, they either bully them or stiff them. There so cold here.
I have no job cause I get panic attacks when I am left out or have to confront someone, I am living off of my only friend, I am broke.
I have no love in my life, my life is a mess what guy would want me.
I have no family, none, no aunts, uncles, grandparents and my own parents disowned me.
My only friends father is polite to me but feels that he can only help her cause blood is thicker than water, I am just the "water" to him. My only friend has a very hard time standing up to her father, she does not want to end up like me, with no family support.
I dream of dying so much. I want cancer, I want a tornado to come an crush me, I want to be away from this hell that I am living, the deep hurt that I am feeling inside. I can't even look at myself in the mirror cause of being rejected again and again. I hate living, I just hate it. More and more I feel my life is a waste and I wonder so much why the heck does God have me on this earth.
If people hate nice kind pure hearted people like me than I have no right to be here, I want to be gone, as in dead, like now!
Thank you so much for reading my story. I am glad that I could pour this all out.

total eclipse

SF Friend
Staff Alumni
I read your story and i am so sorry you have suffered so much. Being abandoned hurts so much. With regards to housing can you call a shelter and get in there why because they will give you the safety you need and they will give you skills and connections you need to get your life back on track. Try calling a shelter okay see what other community connections there are out there to help you. Always there is the hospital if you are suicidal go there okay tell them you are not coping and need help now and the hospital will get you connections as well for housing and for mental health hugs to you
I am very sorry for the way your life has turned out. My sister died 9 years ago and she was my only relative. Loneliness is a constant feeling for me so I know how you feel. Keep writing here and you will find a lot of helpful people. Good luck to you.
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