My story - looking for help

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by beefens, Aug 15, 2009.

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  1. beefens

    beefens Member

    Hi, I really have nobody to talk to about what happened, so I figured I would come here and see if I can find some friends.

    Well I guess I will start with the reason I tried to kill myself.

    It all started meeting a girl randomly online (I know, stupid me), we started talking and got along great, but I was blind to all of her flaws just because she made be feel happy, purposeful and wanted, I found out she was Bi, and she liked to mess with peoples heads but I didn't think of her doing to me, Her being bi should of been a "woo!" moment, but she cheated on me after a month of being together with me, I found out, we talked everything seemed fine, I was hurt but she kept telling me how much she loved me and wanted to be with me. I could not trust her after that and that's when all of my problems leading up to my attempt.

    She would tell me how much she cared for me but then she would hurt me again, and I let her walk on me, I should of just ended it there but couldn't,
    I would just worry myself sick thinking she was messing around on me.. EVERY SINGLE DAY, she would be on dating sites talking to people hitting on her right in front of me, then she would say "You have nothing to worry about" I would just move on, she would text exes all the time(she cheated on me with a ex), she would tell me about her exes, tell me how much better they were than me and there's nothing I can do about it, then she would act like she was crazy about me(for a few days) then start the shit all over again.. she would talk to me like i was a great friend and say everythings going to be okay and that she sees herself staying with me for a long time. then she would pull crap again..

    I asked her to marry me about 5 months into it, we were living together, I really did have some fun times but she would just lift my spirits then slam me into the ground full force, I treated this girl like gold and she kept doing that and would worry me to the point were I couldn't eat, sleep and when I would I would have nightmares like mad, I'm 20 years old with THICK hair, about 5 months into it I'm balding.. She would make me worry that bad then play with my head, and all that time she was doing that I was treating her like a queen, she didn't care, I didn't just have to worry about her messing around with guys, I also had to worry about girls too... and her living me AND keeping her and her family happy, it was just too much for my head to take..

    Then about a week ago a girl texted her, it was a girl she wasn't even with THREE YEARS AGO, I read her blogs and all she was talking about is how much she loves her, even though this girl "kayla" hurt "barbara"(barbara is my ex) and didn't talk to "barbara" for over three years.. so I start freaking out... "barbara" told me she didn't want to be with her and that she loved me and that "kayla" wanted to talk to me, I was sitting on our bed texting "kayla" and she said she wasn't going to come in between us, and she respected me and could see we were happy. While I was doing that "barbara" was writing in a notebook, she gave it too me and said "im gonna go grab us some food, read this" It was 2 pages of "barbara" telling me how much she loved her and why, shes scared that shes going to mess up and cheat on me with her.

    I couldn't handle her telling me how much better someone was, it sounded like a dear john letter and I told her it did, she said "no! I was just telling you how I feel, I told you I want to be with you." I stood up and tried to take a handful of vicodin, she grabbed them and took them to work with her, I started texting "kayla" to tell her what shes doing to me, she changed what she said an hour before that too "I can't change her mind, she will have to pick" I was trying to drive home crying, blacking in and out, shaking like crazy, vomiting and she didn't even care, she would just stare at me.

    I sat in my room freaking out for 12 hours.. just wanting the pain to stop, I knew I was a goner.. I went to pick her up and she wouldn't talk to me, I told her we need to talk and she agreed, I ended up just begging her to stop hurting me and not to leave me, she wouldn't talk, I looked at her hand and her engagement ring was on her right hand.. I kept trying to get her to tell me whats going on and all of a sudden she starts crying and talking to me, saying how much she loves me and doesn't want to lose me, then said shes going to make me a list of promises, she told me everything would be fine and how shes not going to leave me for "kayla".. I believed her.

    The next 3 days(mon, tue, wed) were her days off.. we spent those three days all over each other, she was still talking to "kayla" but would let me see the messages and told me she just wanted to be friends, "kayla" on the other hand kept telling "barbara" "I'm just thinking" every hour it seemed.. I told "barbara" that shes just trying to get you to talk about her feelings and that was crap, shes just trying to get you to leave me. That went on all of Wednesday, thrusday she went back to work, before work we were fine, I asked her if it was okay to see what "kayla" tells her while she was at work because "kayla" kept asking if I was around, meaning she would act different if i wasn't there to see the messages, I asked if she was okay with that and she said yes.

    I had a okay day, and at 9pm I talked to her on her lunch and she was saying "I love you" and just acting like everything was okay, I asked if she had been talking to "kayla" and she said no, I said okay and waited till 12am to pick her up from work, came home and I waited a little bit and asked if I could see the messages.. she handed me the phone and before she went to work she had 2 days of logs I already saw, the first message was at 12:06am, witch means she didn't want me seeing what they were saying.. when I asked if she would be okay with that I also said don't delete anything, she did.. that right there is when shit hit the fan, I looked down and the ring was back on her right hand.. I asked if we could talk and she wouldn't talk yet again... I started going numb.. like a numb I have never felt before, I asked her if she wanted me to move out and all I got was "I don't know" I was freaking out so bad but I was staying calm.. I grabbed the book she made all those promises in and she looked at them.. then broke every single one in a 5 min period.

    She just sat there staring at me, then said "You don't have to move out" That numb go so numb, my mind went blank, I looked at her with a grin ear to ear, put my cigarette out on my arm and there was no pain.... like it didn't even happen, I don't remember much from there on but I do have what people said I did, I stood up after I put the cigarette out on my arm and walked into the kitchen grabbed a knife, walked back into the room and started cutting my wrists, I hit my tendons in both of my hands, shes screaming at me to stop, she calls 911, and I'm standing there just smiling, I started to cut into my neck and the cops pull up, I run outside with the knife telling them I'm going to stab them in the neck if they don't shoot and kill me,
    needless to say they didn't, they tazed me for 15 seconds and thats when I started to come back to my senses.

    I was in the ER for 5 hours, (this happend at 3am) I felt like such a failure, I still feel like one, I had the balls to end my life, I was ready to die, I had no fears but I failed.. now 2 days later I have my ex playing with my head hardcore, saying I messed her up for life, then telling me the guy she cheated on me with was at her house.. and that she was laying i bed with "kayla" and touched one of her scars and thought of me.. (oh yeah and right after I got out of the ER she messaged me, I sat here for 3 hours selflessly comforting her so she didn't feel bad BEFORE she did that) I told her its nice that she cares if I'm okay and its funny how shes already with 2 different people less than a day after I tried to end my life.

    So now I see a message saying IM MESSING WITH HER HEAD!, witch is messing with mine, and that she thought I was her friend, she also said shes going to get a TPO, I have no intenstions of talking to her again.. she doesn't realize what she did to me, yes I honestly think she messed with my emotions so much that I lost it. The shrink at the ER said I don't fit the profile.. I feel like I have nobody to talk to (hence why I'm here) and that I'm very alone.. but I haven't thought of ending my life again.. That numb feeling I got was the scariest feeling I have ever had, I had no cares or worries.

    Sorry for making such a big post but I have a lot to talk about.
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Hey glad you found this site so that you can talk about it. Sometimes that can help lessen the thoughts. And being here you will get support and have others that know exactly what you are feeling.

    Sounds like your ex gf (please if she isnt then make her that right now) is a real player. Not only in the sense of being with and using others. But also for the games she was playing with your emotions and mind. She knew when to give you just enough line so that she could reel you back in when it suited her. It was really a game that she wanted you to play when it came to her kayla and you too. And I think she was playing kayla just as badly as you. The only one getting anything out of that was her. You and Kayla were both probably equally confused about each other. I'd say she has some real issues she needs to work out as well. So give her space.... enough to keep her safely away from you forever!!

    If you meant anything at all to her, she wouldnt make a point of telling you right after your attempt that she was with others. It was done just to keep you upset and possibly to see if she could push you back to that edge. Hun everything is a game to this woman. She does everything to please herself first. If it makes you happy along the way great. If not she couldnt care less. It is all about only what she wants and needs physically, emotionally and mentally.

    At this point you need to either change your number or block her. Let her know that she no longer has any contol or effect over you. Dont have or make any contact at all. You know she will try once she gets bored with who ever she is playing now. Dont let her back in. In the mean time, get into a support group or get a therapist or mental health worker. You need to talk about this and find help and resources to move forward.

    SF has so many forums, threads and posts that can help you with this as well. Go through and read them hun. Find ones that are similar to your own situation and contact those members. And please post and maybe help others with your experience too. You'll find in doing that it will help you as well.

    Hope you can find the support and strength you're looking for. Keep posting!!
  3. beefens

    beefens Member

    Oh she is a ex for sure.. It pisses me off more than anything that I was blind to what she was doing all the way up to the end.. she just sent me a email asking to delete her off of everything, and she says I'm messing with her head.. such a joke.
  4. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I hope you didnt reply. Dont answer anything from her. The phone, texts, emails etc. All she is doing is trying to keep you hanging until she wants or needs you again. It is a control thing with her. Please dont be pissed at yourself. I've gone through it 3 times. I have a friend that his wife did almost the same thing to. And I was friends with both so I knew she was doing it and didnt know what to do for him.

    They say love is blind and that is soooo true. We see what we need to see to make ourselves feel good about ourselves and the relationship. And if a friend told you while it was happening chances are you would of denied it to yourself anyhow.

    You have a fresh start now. Give yourself a break for a bit. Enjoy the single life and have some fun for you. Get your priorities in line for all the things you need to prove to yourself that you are one Hell of a person. Then you'll be ready to try again. Hope you plan on hanging around here a while longer. I think there are a lot of members here that can help you boost yourself up and get ready to move on. Why not make a thread about yourself in the Welcome forum and take it from there! Good Luck!!!
  5. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Deinitley an ex!!! She has control issues and wants to run and ruin your life.. My ex did the same to me.. She even had the guts to bring one of her boyfriends to the house while I was in bed..Please do as Itmahanh said and cut all ties with this woman.. She will never be faithfull to you..In time once you are able to get past the greif stage you will find someone else.. Miss Right is out there you just haven't met her yet..And I think that shrink was a quack!! You sliced both your wrists and he didn't think you were serious....It might be a good thing to find a therapist just so you can talk some of this over with them and get some sound advice..Keep posting here on the forum also.. The members here are a caring bunch..Good Luck!!!
  6. beefens

    beefens Member

    Yes I did try, but I don't remember doing it.. I just remember the numb feeling before hand. I'm stronger then that but It wasn't "ME" doing it. I was pushed to my limit and snapped.. I'm down but I don't feel the need to end my life. After I posted this I realized what kind of person she really is and what shes doing to me now is just helping me get over her faster. :)
  7. the_juggalo

    the_juggalo Account Closed

    thats good welcome to sf btw

    im sarge
  8. Clockwork Reality

    Clockwork Reality Well-Known Member

    I have to agree with the others. Cut all ties with her. If she calls you, tell her kindly where she can stick her concern. Or maybe not so nicely. You deserve better.

    Anyway, welcome to our humble abode, and I hope that you get the advice and support that you're looking for.
  9. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Well beefens, glad to see you are here and that you are getting stronger. Keep posting. And yes, of course it wasnt you!! None of us are really us when we get pushed to the point of thoughts of and acting on suicide. But I'm glad you survived and found SF. Hope to see you around the forums getting support and who knows even supporting others that have gone through the same shit. Good luck!
  10. beefens

    beefens Member

    Thanks for all of you supporting me, just seeing that people care helps a lot. :)
  11. beefens

    beefens Member

    UPDATE: She Emailed my SISTER saying that I was cutting myself MORE and was stalking her. She also said she got a TPO today. This makes no sense, I have browser history, IM logs, text logs showing I haven't even LOOKED at the public blog we used sense she told me not to talk to her anymore (friday night) oh and I took pictures of my arms before and after and they are the same.. A TPO goes both ways correct? and does it include 3rd party contact? Shes the one contacting my family and friends. I'm not talking to anyone that even knows her. Lol this is crap, making me sound like some sort of mental case and shes pulling this crap, I even have proof! lol... that is all for now.
  12. April

    April Member

    This may seem harsh but shes a psycopath. She seems like a compulsive liar,someone who will lie ALL the time to anyone and anyone. They do it to get support sympathy and anything they want. Sometimes they seem to just do it for fun. They are class A manipulaters and difficult to lose. Whatever you do, Dont fall for her tricks.

    You can talk to your sis and explain some of this. Your family should believe you over little miss crazy (the universal rule of "bros before hoes"). You seem like you need their help to get over this trauma. You should also talk to your friends soon, especailly if she knows them, because people tend to believe the first thing they are told (dumb but true).

    Remember, the opposite of love isnt hatred, its indifference. So long as she can wind you up and feck you over she'll have some level of control over you and effect on your life. She doesnt deserve that. If it helps, change your habits, try new things. Do things you and her never did, start new hobbies, anything to distract you and give you some thing good to feel passionate about. At least while focusing on better things you can get some respite from the numbness. You are obviously a kind person whos been taken for a ride but now you have to look after yourself. Shes made you treat her like No. 1 for so long, now its your turn. Try to stay positive and, if possible, hang out with friends or family more than you usually would.
  13. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    That is part of who she is. Told you she will start getting desperate once you deny her contact. Just tell your family that you will not have anything to do with her any longer and that they should do the same. That she is going to get very nasty before she finally tires and backs off. So tell them not to listen to, believe or add any more fuel to her fire. They can help douse it by doing the same as you. Dont reply or respond to any of her crap. You know she is playing a game so dont play by her rules anymore. Make your own and leave her way behind at start while you get to the finish line!!!!
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