Hi, I really have nobody to talk to about what happened, so I figured I would come here and see if I can find some friends. Well I guess I will start with the reason I tried to kill myself. It all started meeting a girl randomly online (I know, stupid me), we started talking and got along great, but I was blind to all of her flaws just because she made be feel happy, purposeful and wanted, I found out she was Bi, and she liked to mess with peoples heads but I didn't think of her doing to me, Her being bi should of been a "woo!" moment, but she cheated on me after a month of being together with me, I found out, we talked everything seemed fine, I was hurt but she kept telling me how much she loved me and wanted to be with me. I could not trust her after that and that's when all of my problems leading up to my attempt. She would tell me how much she cared for me but then she would hurt me again, and I let her walk on me, I should of just ended it there but couldn't, I would just worry myself sick thinking she was messing around on me.. EVERY SINGLE DAY, she would be on dating sites talking to people hitting on her right in front of me, then she would say "You have nothing to worry about" I would just move on, she would text exes all the time(she cheated on me with a ex), she would tell me about her exes, tell me how much better they were than me and there's nothing I can do about it, then she would act like she was crazy about me(for a few days) then start the shit all over again.. she would talk to me like i was a great friend and say everythings going to be okay and that she sees herself staying with me for a long time. then she would pull crap again.. I asked her to marry me about 5 months into it, we were living together, I really did have some fun times but she would just lift my spirits then slam me into the ground full force, I treated this girl like gold and she kept doing that and would worry me to the point were I couldn't eat, sleep and when I would I would have nightmares like mad, I'm 20 years old with THICK hair, about 5 months into it I'm balding.. She would make me worry that bad then play with my head, and all that time she was doing that I was treating her like a queen, she didn't care, I didn't just have to worry about her messing around with guys, I also had to worry about girls too... and her living me AND keeping her and her family happy, it was just too much for my head to take.. Then about a week ago a girl texted her, it was a girl she wasn't even with THREE YEARS AGO, I read her blogs and all she was talking about is how much she loves her, even though this girl "kayla" hurt "barbara"(barbara is my ex) and didn't talk to "barbara" for over three years.. so I start freaking out... "barbara" told me she didn't want to be with her and that she loved me and that "kayla" wanted to talk to me, I was sitting on our bed texting "kayla" and she said she wasn't going to come in between us, and she respected me and could see we were happy. While I was doing that "barbara" was writing in a notebook, she gave it too me and said "im gonna go grab us some food, read this" It was 2 pages of "barbara" telling me how much she loved her and why, shes scared that shes going to mess up and cheat on me with her. I couldn't handle her telling me how much better someone was, it sounded like a dear john letter and I told her it did, she said "no! I was just telling you how I feel, I told you I want to be with you." I stood up and tried to take a handful of vicodin, she grabbed them and took them to work with her, I started texting "kayla" to tell her what shes doing to me, she changed what she said an hour before that too "I can't change her mind, she will have to pick" I was trying to drive home crying, blacking in and out, shaking like crazy, vomiting and she didn't even care, she would just stare at me. I sat in my room freaking out for 12 hours.. just wanting the pain to stop, I knew I was a goner.. I went to pick her up and she wouldn't talk to me, I told her we need to talk and she agreed, I ended up just begging her to stop hurting me and not to leave me, she wouldn't talk, I looked at her hand and her engagement ring was on her right hand.. I kept trying to get her to tell me whats going on and all of a sudden she starts crying and talking to me, saying how much she loves me and doesn't want to lose me, then said shes going to make me a list of promises, she told me everything would be fine and how shes not going to leave me for "kayla".. I believed her. The next 3 days(mon, tue, wed) were her days off.. we spent those three days all over each other, she was still talking to "kayla" but would let me see the messages and told me she just wanted to be friends, "kayla" on the other hand kept telling "barbara" "I'm just thinking" every hour it seemed.. I told "barbara" that shes just trying to get you to talk about her feelings and that was crap, shes just trying to get you to leave me. That went on all of Wednesday, thrusday she went back to work, before work we were fine, I asked her if it was okay to see what "kayla" tells her while she was at work because "kayla" kept asking if I was around, meaning she would act different if i wasn't there to see the messages, I asked if she was okay with that and she said yes. I had a okay day, and at 9pm I talked to her on her lunch and she was saying "I love you" and just acting like everything was okay, I asked if she had been talking to "kayla" and she said no, I said okay and waited till 12am to pick her up from work, came home and I waited a little bit and asked if I could see the messages.. she handed me the phone and before she went to work she had 2 days of logs I already saw, the first message was at 12:06am, witch means she didn't want me seeing what they were saying.. when I asked if she would be okay with that I also said don't delete anything, she did.. that right there is when shit hit the fan, I looked down and the ring was back on her right hand.. I asked if we could talk and she wouldn't talk yet again... I started going numb.. like a numb I have never felt before, I asked her if she wanted me to move out and all I got was "I don't know" I was freaking out so bad but I was staying calm.. I grabbed the book she made all those promises in and she looked at them.. then broke every single one in a 5 min period. She just sat there staring at me, then said "You don't have to move out" That numb go so numb, my mind went blank, I looked at her with a grin ear to ear, put my cigarette out on my arm and there was no pain.... like it didn't even happen, I don't remember much from there on but I do have what people said I did, I stood up after I put the cigarette out on my arm and walked into the kitchen grabbed a knife, walked back into the room and started cutting my wrists, I hit my tendons in both of my hands, shes screaming at me to stop, she calls 911, and I'm standing there just smiling, I started to cut into my neck and the cops pull up, I run outside with the knife telling them I'm going to stab them in the neck if they don't shoot and kill me, needless to say they didn't, they tazed me for 15 seconds and thats when I started to come back to my senses. I was in the ER for 5 hours, (this happend at 3am) I felt like such a failure, I still feel like one, I had the balls to end my life, I was ready to die, I had no fears but I failed.. now 2 days later I have my ex playing with my head hardcore, saying I messed her up for life, then telling me the guy she cheated on me with was at her house.. and that she was laying i bed with "kayla" and touched one of her scars and thought of me.. (oh yeah and right after I got out of the ER she messaged me, I sat here for 3 hours selflessly comforting her so she didn't feel bad BEFORE she did that) I told her its nice that she cares if I'm okay and its funny how shes already with 2 different people less than a day after I tried to end my life. So now I see a message saying IM MESSING WITH HER HEAD!, witch is messing with mine, and that she thought I was her friend, she also said shes going to get a TPO, I have no intenstions of talking to her again.. she doesn't realize what she did to me, yes I honestly think she messed with my emotions so much that I lost it. The shrink at the ER said I don't fit the profile.. I feel like I have nobody to talk to (hence why I'm here) and that I'm very alone.. but I haven't thought of ending my life again.. That numb feeling I got was the scariest feeling I have ever had, I had no cares or worries. Sorry for making such a big post but I have a lot to talk about.