My story, my crappy story.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by TheBLA, Apr 4, 2010.

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  1. TheBLA

    TheBLA The biggest loser alive.

    This August would mark the 5th anniversary since my depression and very frequent thoughts of death, suicide, etc, right when I joined this forum as well. Since then, I've made little to no progress in curing my depression, I've just let it go on, festering.

    I'm sure the reason for my depression is because I am the biggest loser alive, at least I feel that way. For most of my life, I've been addicted to the TV and especially computer, staying mostly indoors, as a hermit. As a result, I've missed out on so many things everyone else has done, going to parties, clubs, other social events, etc.

    I feel so much regret and pain. All the things I missed out on, especially in high school and college, supposed to be the "best years of your life", and I missed it all. I barely have any memories, anything special. And I can never get it back because you only live once.

    I feel that because I've been secluded for so long and turned out so different from everyone else, then I will never marry, never have children, be alone for the rest of my life. It all then spirals out of control and I get very depressed and thoughts about killing myself.

    I've barely sought help for my condition, mostly because my depression doesn't want me to get better. I feel that my condition is extremely bad, I always feel that I am somehow worse off than everyone else, such as you guys here. I can't believe I've been here for five years on this forum and barely done anything, the same goes for my real life. I've stagnated, not put footprints in the sands of time but a huge "buttprint". Another reason is because of shame, the stigma any mental illness holds in my culture. I can't let anyone else know about my condition, really only my parents and brother know, and I feel ashamed that they do.

    I'd already been apathetic with my addiction to the computer in furthering my life, and this depression since I started college hasn't helped.

    I believe that one reason I haven't attempted so far is because I've lived in the safe "nest" of my parent's home with them and my little brother. But I feel that as soon as I leave the nest, I'll be very ill-prepared to face the world and will crash and burn. I'm about to graduate from college and my dad is telling me to think about my future, about getting a job, graduate school, marriage, etc. I am "okay" when on the computer and playing games and just postponing my life. And then when my parents come to me and tell me to grow up, and act normal, I get depressed, even though they are correct. Now I know how drug and alcohol addicts feel....

    I feel very anxious about my future, lots of apathy and also fear. I'm 22 but still have never really matured past my child state. I wish I could stay in my parent's home and play on my computer forever. I feel so crappy, so guilty, so worthless and useless.

    Look at my classmates, they are so happy that they will graduate and looking towards the future. How happy were they to enter college at first and experience all the fun they did. Whereas all I thought about all this time was to end my life. Sigh....

    I guess I am making progress, however slow it is. I wouldn't have even been able to tell you guys this just a short while ago. I would have been too ashamed, to even tell this to anonymous people on the internet! Even my family doesn't know all the details as I've told you! Why couldn't I have said this back in late 2005? Why didn't I ever seek more counseling, I never even used the college's counseling services, at all! I've been to a couple of psychiatrists and support meetings and then stop going, thinking my condition is too bad for anyone to fix. That's why its festered for all this time, for almost 5 years.

    I just had to get this off my chest right now, thanks anyone for reading and listening. I have more to say but I guess I'll wait a bit.

    If only I had fixed my depression earlier, its still not fixed now, its still there, just as strong. And I can't get those years back. But my life will only get worse if I keep holding on, postponing and staying in my room on the computer and all that crap, wasting more years of my "precious" life (I don't think its precious) that I can never get back. Its a vicious cycle, my depression and feeling like a freak makes me secluded on the computer and then that makes me a freak which feeds my depression, I guess....
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 4, 2010
  2. Rukia

    Rukia Well-Known Member

    I'm not going to be helpfull here, but I just wanted you to know that I read your post. :hug: Hope you feel better now that you have written it. :hug:
  3. max0718

    max0718 Well-Known Member

    Hey Rahul,

    It's never too late to start making some memories and especially in your case. You say your 22? That leaves you with a lot of time to still make a good life for yourself while you're still young. You've identified that it's better to start earlier rather than later. You know what you need to do, you now need to figure out how and then start getting your life in order, however long that may take. You need to give yourself time to do this and be patient, as getting yourself out of depression is not an overnight fix, but rather a long process whereby you get more and more comfortable with yourself as a person as time goes on.

    It is difficult to pull yourself out of depression and it's a daily struggle, rather than something you can apply only at certain times. But it is possible. You just need to keep trying and keep fighting.

    I know its scary to move out of your comfort zone, but I've heard a quote somewhere that seems fitting in "If you're not scared by your dreams, then your dreams aren't ambitious enough" and I truly believe that.

    Just be patient and work on things a little at a time. All the best!

  4. SweetSurrender

    SweetSurrender Well-Known Member

    Rahul, I can relate to much of what you have written. There is much grief involved in losing a childhood and teenage years to depression. At that age you need someone to help you, to offer you support and encouragement to get out of the rut that depression pushes you into - and if you don't receive that because you family doesn't understand or doesn't know how to help you can become very stuck. That isn't your fault.

    It sounds as though you are at a crossroads and that is a very scary place to be - for everyone. I can garantee those people at college aren't running to the future without any hesitation like you think, most people are frightened, lost and unsure. That is normal. It is scary growing up and leaving college and getting a job. When i was little I always thought at my age now i'd be getting married, have a career and a house and be a fountain of adult knowledge - but that isn't how it happens. You don't just wake up one day as an adult, you have to make scary, hesitant leaps of faith.

    You can remain how you are now or you can make a decision to fight the depression. You can choose to take personal responsibility for your life or you can let situations, circumstances and other people dictate it for you. That really is your decision.

    It sounds so easy and perhaps flippant but it isn't. The first and hardest hurdle is making a committment to yourself to start recovery. It is very, very hard. Sometimes the little girl in me wants to hide under her duvet and let other people take care of her. She can be so insistant that she gets very angry at people when that doesn't happen (which of course it never does). I'm in therapy to help her, but it is very hard. Every session hurts like hell and I have to decide whether to go back or not. Often I want to give up and let other people to do the hardwork for me but I'm not a little girl anymore.

    Noone is beyond help. You can offer yourself the opportunity to get better. Yes, there will always be reasons why you can't or shouldn't get the help you need, like the depression telling you that you're beyond help, or depression being culturally a big stigma (although in what culture is mental illness not stigmatised!), or your family wouldn't approve etc. But at the end of the day it does all boil down to whether you are willing to face the fear and the pain that comes with recovery. If you aren't then that is where you are in your illness right now and that is okay, maybe in time you will get to that point. But it is your decision.

    Take care of yourself.
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