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My story. My recovery.

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by Synesthetic Soul, Jan 26, 2009.

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  1. Synesthetic Soul

    Synesthetic Soul Well-Known Member

    January 1st 2008. Wake up a little late of course, I was out all night! Grandmother starts bitching about things. No reason to, she just wants to complain. I try to defuse her, try to stop the yelling. Why on the first day of the year? It escalates. All of a sudden I'm the bad guy. All of a sudden I'm instigating a fight. Yelling ensues on both sides. Mine and hers. She tells me I don't do anything when it's not true. She attacks me as if I'm useless. I fight back. Then her husband is yelling at me (he was married in). Now I'm being attacked on all ends. I'm being told to leave "if I don't like it".

    I can't take it, it's too much. Forget everything. Forget my S.O., forget my friends, forget my family. I grab my key chain and try to strangle myself. My brother stops me. He keeps the chain away from me. I'm being called manipulative. That I'm just trying to make them feel guilty. The fighting continues, it doesn't stop there. Too much. Too much. I go for the window. Six stories down ends it all. I'm sitting there. Again, being called an "attention seeker". I grab the frame for dear life. I'm scared. I don't want to die, I don't want to back off either. My grandmother freaks. My brother comes, he grabs me and pulls me away, closes the window. I'm glad, I think.

    I call my S.O., I'm in tears. "Leave a message. *beep*" "Help me." I sound broken, "Help me." Call returned. There's worry in the sound of my S.O.'s voice.

    "The police are coming," I say. They had called the police on me because of what I had done.

    "Meet me."

    I get dressed and meet up. There's some anger, from love. "Why would you do such a thing?" My face is cut. I had scratched myself. We go to Rite Aid to get some bandages and anti-scar cream. I'm patched up.

    I'm shaken, upset. I feel terrible. Scared. How could I try such a thing? How could I have been so foolish and selfish to want to kill myself? Leave my S.O. behind? I think how it would have affected my S.O. What the reaction would have been. It breaks my heart. How could I?

    It was the most terrible day of my life. It made me NEVER want to try and kill myself again. Never again.

    So now I'm here, I've recovered. And like I said before, I want to help others. I'm here to help you, the tired, suffering, un-loved. Because I know what it feels like and I've been there. I don't want you to go there, to try, and especially not to "succeed".

    This is my story and why I'm here.
  2. Jenny

    Jenny Staff Alumni

    Thank you for sharing your story with us. Sorry that things were so tough for you but i'm glad that you are no longer feeling this way. Take care and look forward to seeing you around on the forum :hug:
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter


    You've been through a rough patch. I'm glad you are on the road to recovery :hug:

    PM me if you ever need to talk x
  4. Rachel123

    Rachel123 Well-Known Member

    Thank you so much for sharing your story :hug:
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