My story/opinion.

Discussion in 'Positive Feelings and Motivational Messages' started by Allo.., Dec 1, 2010.

  1. Allo..

    Allo.. Well-Known Member

    About 4 years ago I started to develop depression.
    It was greatly influenced by the depressed people around me, and my deep sadness at my friends' situations.
    I used to drink a lot, and cut myself even more.
    I slutted around, because anyone wanting me in any kind of way made me feel like more of a person, like perhaps I was special.
    The worst thing about my depression is that for a long time I *wanted* to feel depressed.
    I enjoyed the safety, comfort and familiarity of depression.
    I knew how to act, how to behave, how to think - and this made life seem a lot easier.
    I was taking each day as it came, helped my alcohol and razor blades.
    For a long time I didn't want to get better, I didn't want help, I didn't want to stop.
    When my friends worried for me, I enjoyed the possibility that someone out there might care, and I spent all of my time trying to help others while I soaked up their emotions and added them to a bank of my own.

    I got closer to a few people, and started to see that I was hurting them.
    After a while I was encouraged to seek help, I saw that cutting might not be the right way to go about relieving my emotional pain, and that depression wasn't the best way to go about life.

    To be honest I don't remember how it started, but I went to see a local counsellor. She was hopeless. I enjoyed that she was taking an interest at me, but she didn't seem to really know what was going on.
    I started to make an effort not to cut so much, or so bad.
    I almost took my life in the process.

    After a massive wake up call from my mother, when she saw my cuts and was furious with me, I was put in contact with another counsellor type.
    She diagnosed me with Post-Viral Depression, related to a sickness I'd had a few years before.
    This lady was better, I enjoyed my first session with her, so I booked another.
    At this next session she put me in my place, and I left in tears never to return.

    By this time I'd realised that it was possible to get out of my rut, that I shouldn't be in this place and that I could help people a hell of a lot more if I helped myself first.

    I don't know what changed next, but eventually I began to pull through.
    I forced myself to wake up, and to take action.
    I made an effort, and did all I could to think positively in EVERY situation.
    It wasn't easy, and when I look back this 'recovery' period seems a blur.

    The reason I'm posting this is to share where I am today.
    I want YOU to know that it is possible to beat terrible emotions, terrible conditions, whether you are in a similar position to me or a totally different (and quite possibly worse) situation.

    Today, I have finished school with terrific grades, I have a wonderful family who I get along with so incredibly well, I have a couple of close friends and an amazing boyfriend.

    Unfortunately, a lot of the people that I experienced my 'bad' times with I've had to let go of, because for me to be healthy I can't continue to soak in their emotions.
    It is now a lot easier for me to understand and try to help new friends I meet with similar circumstances, however.

    Anyhow; it was my boyfriend who actually asked me to post this.
    He wanted me to let you know how these horrible experiences can effect your life.
    Every cut, every scar, every alcoholic or slutty experience will leave you wounded.
    If you cut tonight, that one scar will still be there in 20 years time.
    If you sleep with that guy who seems to care, if you get married your husband will be sad when he thinks about it.
    If you go out and get plastered and do something stupid, I can guarantee there will be a moment in a happy future where it will make you sad.
    Every moment counts.

    My boyfriend said to me tonight:
    "i would recommend you went on there(SF) to share your story, and express how much it affects people in your life
    and how there is someone there at the end of it, and a light at the end of the tunnel, who can provide you happiness"

    I completely agree.
    Unfortunately for me, I know my past will always linger in my relationships and that it will get people down.
    I know that it will continue to get me down at times.
    But I also know that I have beaten depression. I have beaten addiction. I have beaten all the terrible times of my past.

    It is possible to move on.
    It is possible to find whatever it is you're looking for.
    You may be different, you may be hurt, you may be angry.
    That doesn't mean you can't be happy tomorrow.
    Isn't a second of happiness better than none?

    Make the effort to find that second.
    Make the effort to find something that you will enjoy.

    There is a light at the end of the tunnel, I am proof.
    It is a hell of a journey to get there, but it is so, so worth it.

    You may be in a hole so deep you can't begin to see even a glimpse of light.
    Make a right decision TODAY, make the decision to get better.
    Make the decision not to have that drink.
    Make the decision not to pick up the razor blade.
    Make the decision to see a movie, not roam the streets.

    Every little decision gets you to the place you want to be.
    And if you don't want to be there because where you are is all you know - humour me and try? It's not so hard.
    You'll be fine :)


    Make the decision to get better :)
     
  2. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    It's great to see you about, Ally, especially with a post like this. Your boyfriend sounds like a wonderful man, and I thank him for advising you to post this.

    I myself can relate to this post of yours very much, although I'm still struggling at times, but I'm well on my way to becoming whom I want to be.
    As can everyone eventually.

    And you're right that the past will still be there and sometimes will make us sad, but in the end we grew who we are today, also because of the dark period in our lives. It was part of what shaped us into who we are today.

    I'm rambling now, sorry it's 1.30am and I have work in the morning.. ramble ramble. I do hope I get my point across though


    Lovely to see you around again, Ally! And even better to hear you're doing so well. I'm proud of you :hug:
     
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Thank you for taking the time to post and share your recovery with us. It is possible to heal you are right but it does take effort and the want and belief it can happen. One has to want to get well like you said some are comfortable in the place of illness and it takes courage to step outside that box. You have that courage good for you Take care okay