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My story.. (parts of it..)

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Självmord, Aug 7, 2011.

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  1. Självmord

    Självmord Active Member

    And I am not sure how to do this.. it's painful for me to write it down and impossible for me to talk about.. so I'll start off telling what I can..

    I've been suicidal for very long, as well depressed. Yet in this state I feel as my real self. When I'm "happy" I feel completely lost and don't know who I am. This depression has become my reality and my state and divided me into two personas, due to emotional problems I don't think I could go into even if I wanted to.

    About a year ago I tried to overdose (original..) and I really thought I'd die.. I was scared, and the anxiety was completely drowning me. Then I woke up next morning feeling very very ill. Knowing that I hadn't taken enough pills. I went to school as usual put on my "face" for everyone to see and never spoke of it.

    Then came the summer holidays.. It was terrible, but yet it couldn't compare to the previous year where my obsession with a alter ego was obsessing my mind and I spent time painting out my world, singing it, which I had begun already 2008, but it was later that it really started to form out. But it hadn't become reality yet.

    It did become reality 2010. When I couldn't handle the emotions of hate, or was to overwhelmed by my feelings I became someone else. The horrible thing is that when I'm in that state I know that it's the true me, that I'll always be haunted by this, yet it's better, for now at least.
    I stood there with a tie around my neck many times, nearly suffocating myself, the most memorable dates for me 15th november 2010 and 28th january 2011. The last mentioned date I ended up lying on the bathroom floor for hours. My parents thought I were dead at first.

    I had only weeks before confided in my friends whom I stupidly enough trusted to respect my decision in telling them I had decided I was to going to kill myself. I am still ashamed and regretful I shared it with them. I truly believed they were going to accept it without calling teachers on me, that's about how absorbed I was in my world of meaningless. Meaningless.. that's where it comes from really, this "real" me. Because when I reached that point, all I could find meaning in expressing myself through art telling my story and that's where "she" came from.

    On june 5th, my birthday<, edit moderator total eclipse method> I don't know for how long I lay there, for me it felt really long with the thoughts of death (but it couldn't have been long at all) and waiting for it circling all around in my head. I became drowsy, and couldn't breathe. That was when I awoke, perhaps you could say, and ripped bag of my head.

    Later my brother (the one who actually got help of us when he was extremely depressed, now unfortunately he has been diagnosed with ADD, but I was never even noticed when I was so down I couldn't move let alone speak all I got then was that my "mother" couldn't handle me and that I was going to a foster home) called to congratulate me (the only one) and I couldn't pick up. I just couldn't.
    And I continued as usual to this day. No one knows about this. Not even those who read this. There is so much more to the story, but those are the things I can't handle telling, so art does it for me.

    And the reason why I'm writing this down now, is because recently I've been feeling a lot better. But then came the realization why I went into isolating myself so many years ago which only resulted in this. Hate. I had forgotten, tried to how I wanted to slit her throat, literally having to compose myself not to grab the steering wheel and pull us both off the road.
    Because today there it was again (and no I'm absolutely not claiming this to be the only reason because things have turned out as they have for me, as I said there is so much more to it) there is no reasoning with her when anger consumes her.
    And I'm not talking about myself, but the creature I am shameful to call my mother.

    When she's like this, she goes into a certain state (not unlike myself:() and screams and can't accept anything said against her even how silly her argument might be. And the silliest things can't get her like this too. Today it was that I couldn't fit all the stuff that I was supposed to get into the attic. This was obviously my fault among all other things she screamed about. She has always been like this (and I'm not the only one who can't handle her when she's like this, my brother feels the same way, and so does my "father"). And today was my wake up call and reminder why I never leave my room. I got terribly emotional about this, because in recovering from so much I've been going through this was not what I needed. Something to trigger it all again. I even thought I'd put a <edit moderator total eclipse method> over my head again ( like so many other nights)

    I just can't take this anymore. I have to leave, get away and live my own life and see if I can fix this. This is definitely not helping and I don't know what to do. I at least feel a bit better now that I've told some parts of the story.
    Problem is, I can't afford an apartment, my parents are definitely not gonna finance it. I'm just a studying student with no money.

    Yet I feel that I make this sound much more terrible than it is, now that I've stopped crying and am not overly emotional, because of how lucky I really am. I've gotten a life with so much opportunities, and I can chose whoever I want to be. Then why do I don't want to live.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 8, 2011
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am so sorry your mother sounds so unstable hun. You should not have to deal with all that anger. I do hope you can get away soon and start your life in a safe place. When you get the suicidal urges hun you call crisis line okay you get outside away from the poisonous enviroment. I am glad you are here reaching out for some support I am sure others will relate Keep posting hun okay but reach out to your doctor to a councellor at your school and talk okay let the anger the pain the sadness out that way Hugs to you
  3. twofeet

    twofeet Well-Known Member

    I have felt that way before, for years. The pain is through the ceiling. But there is help and hope. We have to find it. Find a path, any little path in a general 'up' direction, and walk it. Sometimes alone and sometimes with people. When you notice a little light in the cloud, it makes it worth it.
  4. Självmord

    Självmord Active Member

    Thank you.. good news is I'll try get into a university that is far away and study something I care for and probably with a person I am very fond of and can confide in, that is if it all works out that way..

    But I am scared to call anyone when I feel this way, because.. No one can know, I don't want anyone I know at least to be aware of all this(what if someone on the crisis line call the cops..) And I have tried talking to a councellor, but it just didn't quite work out.
    So my hope is right now for things with the university to work out as I want them too, and it gives me motivation to go up and work hard at school to get my grades. So there's something positive
  5. Självmord

    Självmord Active Member

    Thank you so much for your encouraging words, and I'll try to find the light in the cloud, I actually spot some every now and then and that gives me enough hope to carry on for a while longer.
  6. pancake111

    pancake111 Well-Known Member

    Its good that you have motivation, especially that its school work! What I do when I get bad suicidal thoughts. It really helps to keep my mind distracted.
  7. musicalpsycho

    musicalpsycho Active Member

    I'm sorry to hear that, my dad does the same thing with the shouting etc. I can't wait to leave home either and yet I can't motivate myself to do anything about it. No one irl knows about my underlying building jump plan which always sits in the background, just in case. Take the previous advice and try to notice the little things that distract you or push your darker thoughts out of your head (I know it's easier said than done because I'm trying to do the same).We're here if you want to vent, it might give me someone to talk to for a change.
  8. twofeet

    twofeet Well-Known Member

    Sjalvmord, how are things going? Don't know where you live, but it might be possible to get help with housing at the university. Getting out of an intensely crazy environment is a first step. Just remember you deserve it. You deserve goodness in your life.
  9. Självmord

    Självmord Active Member

    I know the feeling.. And I've found that going out for a walk and just think can do wonders, that is until I see a car in fast speed and think about what I could do. But thanks a lot for your words and I'll try to learn from them, and you take care too
  10. Självmord

    Självmord Active Member

    Thank you.. I live in a small town in sweden actually. So small it's not even a town, but anyhow, I'll admit the main reason I am considering university is because it'd give me a reason to move out, which I can't do now due to lack of money and no help from parents. But going to a university is something I know they'd support and perhaps it could get me away. I think too that is the most important thing right now. Get away.
    And thank you so much for your advice
  11. Självmord

    Självmord Active Member

    Yes it surely does, and thank you for your words and you take care
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