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My story (please help me)

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Hetfield, Dec 25, 2011.

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  1. Hetfield

    Hetfield Member

    24th December 2011, 12:55 PM
    I really think it’s easier for you to help me if I tell my whole story.
    I’m Portuguese, so I’m sorry for my English.

    A couple of years ago, when I was in high school, I started to have sleeping problems. I couldn’t fall asleep for hours, or I was waking up at 4am and couldn’t sleep anymore.
    I’ve always been a good student, with good grades and it really pulled me down that I couldn’t pay attention in my classes. I still don’t know why this all started and maybe if I got medication then, I wouldn’t be like this now.
    Then my grandmother died. She was very important in my life and the funeral was the worst experience of my life, I have it stuck in my memory and I remember it every day.
    Some people say that I would be better if I believed in God, because then I would know that she’s ok, in heaven, looking out for me. But I really don’t.
    I missed that year in high school and I had to do it all over again, since I was having such bad grades and I was crying all the time, even in the middle of the classes.
    However, then I had some friends, that actually were supportive. They’re all gone now, probably had enough of it.
    When my sleeping problems started, I was seeing a psychiatrist and a psychologist, and I started my medication, with an anti-depressant and some sleeping pills.
    After my grandmother died, I tried to kill myself with those pills.
    Then I wouldn’t stop. I was always cutting myself, I needed to feel something, because I was so numb.
    After that repeated year on high school, I went to college. I really hated that people and I freaked out and got off college too. I was a full year at home, in bed, doing nothing.
    This year,I got back to college and I was better. I stopped seeing my psychologist because it just didn’t work for me, I can’t do that.
    I’m still medicated but I’m so tired…
    Every day that I get up of bed, I feel an automaton or a robot, I’m always sad and now I’ve been feeling very depressed again.
    I don’t see what’s the point of moving on with this, I tried so hard to get better and got even worst.
    I just want an end to all of this, I’m exhausted.
    Please help me, you’re kind of my last resort.
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    What was it about your relationship with your therapist that did not work for you, and maybe you can interview others with the understanding of what you need now? It sounds like such a traumatic event, the death of your grandmother and I am also wondering besides depression if you are not also experiencing PTSD, reliving the funeral and such...about your friends not there now...then they were not true friends...we never know who our true friends are until the relationships are tested...and so pleased you were back in college...I also think we have an ideal about what we are supposed to feel, and in reality, none of us feel that way...please keep communicating here as I know there are many people who can relate to what you have said
  3. Hetfield

    Hetfield Member

    I have been seeing a lot of therapists and there's not a single one that can makes me confortable, I don't know how to explain it.
    Yes, the funeral was very traumatic for me, I can't get over it.
    I guess they weren't true friends but now I have nobody. I alienate everyone.
    I just don't want to be like this, I really want and need to be happy but I've tried so much. I'm tired and giving up.
    Thank you all so much for the support.
  4. frozenstar

    frozenstar New Member

    Hey Hetfield!
    I am sorry for your loss! I am new on this forum and not good with words but I want you to know you're not alone. **hugs** I lost my grandmother last year and my grandfather a few months ago. I can't get over those moments either, they are gonna be stuck in my head for many years to come. Please don't loose your hope, keep fighting and if you ever need someone to talk to you can send me a pm here. Stay strong!
  5. AstroAshton92

    AstroAshton92 Active Member

    When I experience loss, I find that trying to look at things in a different light eases the pain-if only for a while to let me think rationally about focusing on the pursuit of my happiness. For instance, I have read a lot into Taoism; it is not a religion, more like and understanding I've become familiar with regarding the universe and my place in it...It states that everything just is and that we are all the same matter and energy that circulates. Good or Bad, we are here...and will always be here even if not physically. When my own grandmother died, I sought to become fond of elephants because she used to collect glass ones. It reminds me that her spirit is with me, through my father and my sisters, and that my heart will always find her in all that I've learned from knowing her. It makes me feel confident that she is not completely lost to me, you know?
    I've never done this before, you're my first thread. I appreciate you allowing me to post because I live to help others because I can't help myself...in fact helping others and trying to understand them makes me feel like I'm helping myself as well so I hope I prove useful.
    Thank You and Be Safe
  6. Hetfield

    Hetfield Member

    Thank you so much for your very kind words. I will always have the memories but I really feel that I lost my grandmother and there's no "elephant", think you understand what I'm trying to say.
    I feel that my hope is gone. I'm 20 years old and I feel like I'm wasting my life being this miserable but I just can't be happy. I just want to end with this misery.
  7. AstroAshton92

    AstroAshton92 Active Member

    I believe you. In the end your happiness decides your fate, as all matters of the heart often do, and no one is obligating you to choose one way. I just ask you to consider whether you really want to take that step yet. Even now, both of us being on this site proves there's a subconscious hand in our minds reaching out to feel. We only get one life, and that one concrete choice to end the pain is up against a million other alternatives to getting by. Every day lived is another day earned. <3
    You have my support.
  8. Hetfield

    Hetfield Member

    I feel very touched by your words... But, to me, this is not living at all. It's dying, slowly.
  9. AstroAshton92

    AstroAshton92 Active Member

    Aren't we?
    I've felt whether we're happy or not we are essentially dying, you being dying at birth. I guess the question of life and death goes on how many more days will you try. How many more hours even. It is very frustrating. I can't even look at the clock on my screen without cringing. *hug*
  10. Hetfield

    Hetfield Member

    It's so depressing, actually, isn't it? I feel like we're all wasting our few time left. It could be one hour, it could be 30 years.
  11. AstroAshton92

    AstroAshton92 Active Member

    I'm sitting in a call center right now watching people spend millions on stupid things, waiting to go home and sleep for the next 2 days. This is not what I had planned on growing up, and now I fear I can't go back. Is there some kind of spiritual forfeit coupon card?

    I admit that last part makes me chuckle, at the thought of existing somewhere on Kepler 22b
  12. Hetfield

    Hetfield Member

    We should live how we want. Not being obliged to work and fighting insanity every single day.
  13. AstroAshton92

    AstroAshton92 Active Member

    It's mostly why I usually feel like I'm in a completely different world than everyone else because I don't value the "gift" of life.
  14. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    i hate waking up to another day of misery.
  15. AsphyxiateOnWords

    AsphyxiateOnWords Eρεβος/Νύξ

    Hetfield, I am currently with my 5th therapist...I've had 4 others whom I thought completely sucked at their jobs.

    The first therapist I had, didn't seem to even believe me that I was struggling. Her best advice to me was to "smile more and get out more". I ditched her after the first session.

    My next therapist was a tiny bit better, but I could not feel any type of connection with her. I didn't feel like understood me.

    My third therapist, I felt like we never actually came up with any type of goals for me to work toward. All I did was talk about how I felt.

    Fourth therapist made me feel uncomfortable and anxious and seemed to me as though she didn't understand someone as introverted as me. She pissed me off.

    My current therapist, however, is for the most part decent. Maybe you're having similar issues as I had with my previous therapists. Sometimes you have to look really hard to find the right one though.
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