my story , please help

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by chelseax3, May 22, 2014.

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  1. chelseax3

    chelseax3 New Member

    Growing up it was just my Mom and I, dad never around because of his addiction and alcohol problems. We were both overweight, i was always huge and hated my body for as long as i could remember. Was made fun of up until my final year of high school.

    2 years after graduation i met this really amazing guy - we spent two months together in seperable. Until one day, i woke up and everything as i knew it had changed.
    He was next to me, cold, blue, dead weight and not breathing. Lifeless. He overdosed on perscription drugs.
    I was unaware he even had this problem - he was a good guy, worked, paid his bills, had a car and a.nice one at that. Pretty good for a 19year old.
    I had never tried a single drug in my life .. I was so naive - didnt know a damn thing about the world. I still havent comoletely healed from this and that happened in 2011. At that time, i weighed 158lbs at 5'5"... That fall i ate my way back up to 178.
    Come January, i had had enough and got serious about working out and eating better. I ate extremely healthy, worked out like a mad woman and got downn to 140lbs. I was toned, tanned, glowing - radiant. I looked and felt the best i have ever. I was renewed. I went from crying and beating myself up to a strong, confident, well rounded young woman.

    Until tthat June of 2012 i met another guy - i liked him right off the bat because he reminded me of my ex... But boy he sure didnt act like him. He treated me like gold for the first two months, buying me things, paying for nails and hair and makeup. Whole nine. Even proposed with a nice diamon on my birthday. Then, the abuse started, the fighting, the drug use...on mine and his part. I had fallen in love with a monster. He changed me. I started restricting calories heavily and got down to just 97lbs.
    A year and a half later he left me for another girl.
    I was left broken - all the physical and mental abuse had taken a toll - i would look into the mirror and see a stranger...i started using crystal meth. Only for a few months. Then i stopped and naturally started binge eating. Worked my way up to 139lbs.

    During the duration of our relationshil i lost every friend. No one will accept me back in. I burned alot of bridges.
    Ive tried finding a job. Noone will hire me.
    I have no will, ni hope. I am a burden to my mom who works so hard to support us. Im 22 and have.nothing to show for myself.
    No confidence.... Im back down to 120lbs but im not hapy. I don't feel comfortable in my own skin. I don't go out.i don't socialize.
    Tonight i had a very bad binge eating episode im in so much pain. This is not living.
    This is existing in misery - i feel like im being tortured. I see life all around me but i dont participate.

    Alot of times i wish i had someone to talk to, a friend or somthing.
    But most of the time, i just wish i wasnt here at all....
  2. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Sorry to hear about your troubles Chelsea. Firstly, it sounds like you have gone through a lot, especially with the abuse from your ex boyfriend which has obviously left you feeling bad about yourself. You should perhaps get in contact with a therapist to deal with the issues from the abusive relationship and start to heal from that. As for wanting to make friends, have you tried going out and about to meet some new people? Such as going to your local women's club or something like that where you can meet new people and make new friends? It may be worth a shot.
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hugs to you i am sorry for all the sadnes you have had to endure i hope that you have some help for your addictions and also to get help for you to get on a new path of healing
    Maybe take an interesting course at a college that way you can meet people with your same interest even if it is just one subject like photograpy art music dance something you can enjoy You deserve kindness and care hun ok so quit beating yourself up you have had enough of that already ok
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