my story so far. *triggering*

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by glitter-princess, Dec 14, 2008.

  1. Went shopping with mum today
    thats usually an excuse for us both to get things we want. i get to bully a new top out of her, and she gets to bully some answers out of me. well today she didnt get any and i got loads of them.
    including finding out that my **** of a father didnt just leave
    he left for another woman. and hayden, if you read this, go and ask him about it one day. i blame him for everything. if he had never left, things would have been different.
    but in a way i am so fucking glad he left. he showed his true colours the day he left my mother, with two kids under the age of two to go and be with some other slut. for fucks sake he could have at least picked on that might have been attractive! shes ugly as sin and has the personality of a bull dog. no wait. thats insulting the dog.
    god usually isnt that nasty to people to make the inside as ugly as the outside
    but like mother like daughter :L
    mother had one at 17 and so did daughter. both had their sons pretty close in age.
    sluts. and i hope to god they both read this and find out how much i hate them and their stupid one up man fucking ship

    Donna: you may have a car that you paid for. big fucking deal. its only a car. you go and talk to the woman who worked full time, raised two kids, and looked after a little boy who was sick damn near all the fucking time and then see how far you can go!
    you sat on your arse for how many fucking years and waited for MY father o come home from work and spend time with his pther family.
    fuck you for taking that time away from us.
    i dont know my father because you didnt want us to. i blame you and only you for this. you are the most horrible person i have ever had the dis[pleasure of meeting.

    and as for bruce
    i am ashamed to admit he is my father. what kind of man can walk out on a sick toddler and 3 month old baby and leave a woman to look after them both while dealing with a marraige falling apart?
    and then only seeing the kids every second weekend when it was convenient for you.
    thinking you are better than her becaue you dont need to rely on handouts to get a car
    well iv got news for you ****
    if she didnt get that car, or the money fromt he lotteries commision for that car, your son would most likely be dead!
    and then what would you do. oh thats right. what you always did when something was wrong with one of us. pretend to care when someone questions why you were never there, but if you werent pushed in to it, you didnt give a flying fuck because we were never anything to you.
    damn you
    really damn you to fucking hell
    i hate you with more passion than i have ever hated anyone in my entire life

    some people find it really easy to forgive others for things that they have done or things they have done against others. i think i was born without this gene.

    for as long as i can remember i was different. my mother wasnt around very much as she was trying to work full time so she could ut food on the table. having a brother who was sick all the time really made things so much harder for her. i dont blame her for any of this. i thank her for showing me that one person can do so much for others. she raised me and my brother on her own.

    i cant remember what made things go so wrong or how anyone let me get this bad. i got really good at hiding things really quickly though. maybe if i wasnt such a good liar at times, then someone would have stopped me making so many shit decisions?

    like, i think back, if i had never moved in with samantha and her family, then i would never have met D, which means i would never have met his workmate, and never dated him and went through so much abuse and bullsheeeee with that scum that walks and talks like a man. i cant believe i stayed with him for so long, even with the promises to stop hitting me, constantly apologising afterwards and saying he loved me and would never do it again. i hated him for it. but i hated and still do myself for letting myself do it for so very long. even losing two babys because of that bastard wasn't enough to make me leave. i thought i loved him. looking back i probably did. when he wasn't being a violent psycopath, he was a lovely man. he treated me like a queen and was there for everything.
    He managed to convince me to let him have sex with 3 other women, in our bed also. i thought if he just got it out of his system then things would be fine and he wouldnt hurt me anymore. i later found out they were the ones i knew about. the tihng that hurt the most, was these girls would walk in, look at me and laugh. i dont know how i did it for so long
    it took a shattered cheekbone and 3 broken ribs and him trying to strangle me before i left. and i took the clothes i stood in and ran. i didnt know where i was running until i reached the airport. i then used his credit card and bought the first ticket i could. that was the day i moved to wellington.
    i have seen him twice since that day, and he still terrifies me to this day

    then not long after him, was N. he was perfect in so many ways. he loved me, he did anything for me. but i just couldnt open up with him and it fell apart after almost a year.

    ok to prevent this being too long a post, im going to stop writing for now
    plus doing all this purging is a trigger in itself for me.
    as much as i dont want to say anything about it, i need to. i have to get it out before it destroys me
    any worse than it already has