my tired of this shit

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by dax, Apr 2, 2016.

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  1. dax

    dax Well-Known Member

    I dont know if i ever put my whole story down....begining to end. the best i can do is summarize as there is alot of pain i do not wish to relive. My life changed one day at the age of 27...I am now 41. I was at the cusp of full independence within arms reach of seizing almost everything major I wanted to get out of life.
    I was 3/4 through my internship, was talking to another intern who was pretty cool and quite beautiful, there seemed to be mutual interest in each other. Then within a month and a half everything was taken from me. The handyman job that supported me through college went out of business and now the internship which offered me a job was my last hope. (i was an unpaid intern with a month left to go).
    A position was being created for me in the new sales division after my performance in several key assignments and the steady course of the semester. But some asshole had to become jealous. Instead they felt entitled to the position and proceeded to sabotage me and make the work environment hostile towards me. He got into both private and work email addresses, erased business messages, switched office supplies so I assembled the mailers incorrectly, turned the small office against me saying i was making more than them. there's more but it's too hurtful to go into
    Long story short i had a meltdown......i was so stressed i was eating right, sleeping right, couldn't take care of myself well and did things like come to work late inspite of trying to fight back against him. He would talk about me in round about tones that it made me paranoid. Would do things to taunt me. Eventually I would get a pyschotic break. I could literally feel something in my brain like a myelene sheathe rip or something...(i know there is no myelene sheath in the brain). This would lead to me losing the internship, my mind, my apartment, my future, my love interest and all of my savings.
  2. dax

    dax Well-Known Member


    Well, having no place to parents take me in. I am so devastated by the psychosis my mother has to see to my medications and my little sister is scared of me. I see weird shit, interpret weird shit, I think weird shit, on top of paranoia. But somehow a year later I get better.
    I try to find work and unsuccessfully find anything. So its back to a dead end job at the furniture shop where i once worked before college. I don't mean this in a good way either. Years go by and I get a new job, a better one ...though still a dead end one. The only good thing was after that first year, I was off the medication and told sometimes people like me can make a full recovery. Something I thought was possible given it was over 8 years later.
    But one day, while heading off to work....I was in a 4 car accident. Right in the middle, hurt my back, which would result in losing my job, my life savings, and a pitiful recovery because i was a independent contractor with a difficult case to prove my job earnings inspite of having years of showing i was making more and more each year. And guess what?
    Another mother fucking psychosis triggered by the stressful events of life being fucked once again. So I read about my illness, the treatments, the medicines and the consequences. Such as I now have a shortened life span due to the continuous medications i take. 10 years off my life......10 FUCKING YEARS!!!! I'm already 41 and now i'm diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. They further go on to say people like me are often alone in life outside of immediate family and do not go on to have families of their own.
    How does that matter? Well I would like to at least have a girlfriend and because I'm an honest person and eventually share this....guess what? I'm alone! It's the straw that broke the camel's back. I know many of you may think, well at least you take meds and things are under control. Well guess what? They are not. every 3-4 months I get bad continuous side effects from the meds I'm taking. I'm even sensitive to them, meaning the doc has to give me a low dose for maintenance purposes. So here I am... waiting for the other foot to fall.

    Please tell me, ....with an uncurable condition that wreaks havoc on the mind and medicines which wreak side effects on me.....where and when do i get to live? What is the point of me being here anymore? To make others feel comfortable they are not me? To ease the pain of my loved ones by pretending i'm ok? Fuck this shit. I want out. I didn't sign up for this shit.
  3. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support SF Artist SF Supporter

    It never ceases to amaze me how evil some people can be. I wonder if they ever really consider the far reaching effects of their actions and how they can destroy someone's whole life by their actions. I'm so sorry you went through this but rise from the ashes and continue on. I believe you will far surpass the person who selfishly inflicted this undeserved attack on your life and career.
  4. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support SF Artist SF Supporter

    I apologize I replied before I saw the second part of your post. I don't know what to say except I wish you weren't in this situation, it's a terrible injustice.
  5. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I am sorry for what happened to you and how things have turned out.

    But please do not give up about it all. I know it is difficult, and it's not fun having a diagnosis like yours.
    I don't know if it helps or not, but my best friend is schizophrenic and 6 months ago she moved in with a boyfriend she's had for nearly 2 years now. So it's not impossible. Just know that. There is no one who said your life had to end and become lonely just because you have a disorder.

    Be kind to yourself. You deserve that. And don't lose all hope!
  6. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    I'm sorry for what you've gone through... there are no limits to the cruelty of some people.
    I also have a friend who is schizophrenic, and he's in a relationship. Your diagnosis doesn't necessarily mean you'll be alone for the rest of your life. It can feel that way, especially when you read something like statistics on Google. I know it can make a person feel really empty. But there's still hope out there.
  7. dax

    dax Well-Known Member

    Thank you all for replying. For bothering to read my story. At least someone gave a shit. No one understands what it's like to be me, to slowly have life get worse with no hope of things getting better. I'll never have a semi normal life, never be able to hold down a job, never be able to be fully independent without the risk of a schizophrenic episode of taking over my life. That's what my family doesn't get, they think it's like the flu and it will always pass. The neurologist said my receptors have changed and that past/current medications may not work on me like before to snap me out of my psychosis. The reality of living in a permanent psychosis is very real and terrifying to me.
    I am not going to take my life purely cause of the loneliness, that is just the straw that broke the camel's back. I'm going to end it cause things keep getting worse. I have something called dystonia and tardive dyskenisia due to taking latuda. Its a side effect of the drug we didn't expect to happen. What's more, we didn't expect the side effect to become permanent, but it is. That's how we found out about the whole receptor thing. I just want to stay alive long enough to take care of my affairs and do a few bucket list things. Though I have no money to do so, guess I'll just have to figure out a way to make things work.
  8. SA76

    SA76 Active Member

    hi Dax,
    I replied and then the post got lost!
    It was good talking to you earlier. Sounds like you have had a hard time.
    Its good to see you are still here and talking to us.
    A combination of a mental illness and physical pain is very hard. I wish there was an easy answer :(
    That person that treated you so bad at work was so wrong. And these days its a little easier to get more help with workplace bullying etc. (still happens though.)
    Take care Dax.
  9. dax

    dax Well-Known Member

    Thank you for replying, I find it difficult to go on from here. If I get disability in a few months things will be a little easier, but it will bring me no closer independence than I am now. I really need to be able to work if I am to regain my life. However, how am I suppose to do that without triggering the illness from stress? I just wanted a normal life, now I am just here, "existing". Not really a participant. I'm already as old as it is. I am just not seeing alot of hope having a "future" with this illness.
  10. electricalanomaly

    electricalanomaly too sad to say hi.

    I'm sorry for what you are going through, let me tell you first hand I believe and understand your work place experience (internship) as I have experienced similar workplace hostility during the last 12 years from managers to 90 % of co-workers. I don't understand why people vilify another person they have dislike for, and turn almost everyone else against you. (thats my experience)

    I pray you get your disability!
  11. SA76

    SA76 Active Member

    We have disability job centres over here, do they over in US? I'm in one, not that they have helped me, I'm in the too hard basket.
    If your "too old" at 41 then I'm just about there, I'm 40:) I don't have a lot of hope, but I'm still plodding along. My doctor was going to help me get disability pension, but then suddenly decided no. I hope you get yours soon, it would be helpful.
    I've been looking at part time work that wouldn't involve stress. My job centre put me up for a job that was 50 hours a week, full time study, stressful and shit pay. What a shame i didn't get that job!!
    Take care.
  12. dax

    dax Well-Known Member

    While disability isnt enough to live on, I do feel it would be a help at least. I guess I'm complaining about my age cause I dont want to be old and wrinkley before finding that special girl. But with this illness.... I know it's not a likely scenario especially not being able to work. :(
  13. ToBeAtPeace

    ToBeAtPeace Well-Known Member

    I'm 43 and rapid cycling bipolar spectrum. I'm probably on similar drugs to you, AP, AD, Mood stabiliser, a benzo (unfortunately). I've heard about this 10 years thing, but try to let it go. I'd rather have a good 20-25 years, than a crap 30-35 years. And there's no knowing how these things pan out, I could get as many years as the next person. My dad suffers from psychosis and extremely bad epilepsy. He's been on very powerful drugs for the past 15 years. For the 20 years prior, he was an alcoholic. He just hit 70, is still going, and is happy - in the past 6 months he seems to have approved. He's had no problem with his liver or heart or any other major organ. Personally, I eat healthily. I've put on weight due to the illness and possibly the medication, and have avoided exercise for the past year. I've just started going for long walks, trying to go further, and quicker. I find it much easier than running. Although today I broke into a jog, for the first time in about 8 months, and it felt ok. I'm more motivated to watch my diet too.

    My point is, you don't know what's round the corner. You can find something which will spur you on, which will motivate you. It might seem it will never come whilst you're in the midst of so much shit, but it's highly likely that something will happen. Also, love happens when you least expect it too. Don't give up. I found a lot of inspiration from the paralympics. People with MS and other degenerative illnesses not letting their situation affect them. Just accepting what they have, being thankful for what they do have, rather than what they don't and just getting on with things. Many of these people had been in very dark places - the Belgian athlete who applied for Euthanasia several years ago comes to mind.
    Thauoy likes this.
  14. dax

    dax Well-Known Member

    Thank you for the response. I am sorry that you, like some others here, share a similiar situation to myself. I do see your point about appreciating what you have and not worrying about what you dont, but I don't think I've made it clear why I worry and want what I want out of life. Without going into detail what I face at isn't good there. I am not in a healthy environment. Again, it is definately not as bad as some such as being mentally/physically abused, but all the same not a good place to be. For my own well being, I need to leave. In order to be independent I need to be able to work, something unfortunately this illness limits me severely on what I can do. The only good that has come from all this is that I seem to have pin pointed what triggers my condition, which is alot of stress. From my first two posts....that is losing my savings, job, independence, and love life ( I omitted what happened with that because it was too painful to relive). I am not just wanting these things to just moan and groan about them. I need these things to really survive, thrive and be happy. Right now I am a ghost of my former self just waiting for the other foot to fall. My dad works with a few people who are schizophrenic, but when their conditions are active, pale in comparison for what arises for me when mine is active. Some people are lucky, there is enough of them still there that they can function just enough to work so they are not homeless. These are the people my dad works with and he is under the impression every schizophrenic is the same in that regard, that they can just mentally muscle through and work. While at the moment my ability to function is there, when my illness is active the psychosis doesn't come in spurts......its full blown and gets to the point I no longer live in reality and truely cannot function despite my full effort to muscle through or disbelieve what I am seeing/experiencing.
  15. dax

    dax Well-Known Member

    I do not want to be a passenger in this life, if all i did was appreciate what things are now....or settle for things are now. I would be an idiot. My dad retires in year or two, there is not enough monies to support me living here along with my younger sister. I use her as a prime example of someone who is just being thankful and getting on with life as is. She is doing absolutely nothing with her life to try and find work or plan for a future. Nothing as far as even trying to bring in a little money to ease the burden off of my parents. She has a fucking degree from Berkeley for crying out loud! But that is her. Those that read this have to understand I'm NOT sitting on my ass, I didn't just get it in my head one day when the shit hit the fan to give up and 86 myself. It is closing in on two decades of fighting this. And as far as love goes, don't tell me this bullshit it will happen. I've been alone since I was 17......I've tried everything, being aggressive, let things happen, doing nothing, being friends, name it i've tried it. I really don't want to be alone in that department, but i guess i may have to just flat out accept it. A part of me really believes if i can get out there and succeed on my own, it will be a powerful tool in managing my illness. but as I come on here with my thoughts, I teeter back and forth whether i can really do it. I seem to constantly weigh in on whether this illness will ever let me live or not. I get setbacks which I do not discuss, sometimes i get improvements, once in a blue moon...I don't really discuss those either. in the end it is a constant struggle, including just to get decent medical care. i have to consistently ride their backs, do research, and ask a shit load of questions. and you know what? i just get tired of this shit.
  16. ToBeAtPeace

    ToBeAtPeace Well-Known Member

    Hi Dax

    I'm lucky in that I have a home-life which is pretty consistent, despite me not being. It would makes things so much more tough for me if I didn't have that. I'm so sorry that you have to put up with what you do in your home-life and things in that way are really tough for you there. Additionally, I'm sorry you haven't found love, I really am. I know I shouldn't say that it will happen, but you must try not to lose faith completely. Yes, accept that you haven't found anything, but don't rule out that you won't. There's a program over here in the UK called The Undateables. It specifically shows people suffering from various types of mental or physical illness finding a partner. They usually use an agency which focuses on people who struggle in this way. It gives the show title a sense of irony, in that it shows that no one is undateable, no matter how much they think they are. There was a marriage on the show recently.

    Your illness sounds like a terrible affliction. I can completely relate to family thinking they get it, but totally don't. When I'm in the middle of a crisis, the amount of inappropriate suggestions I get makes me feel much much worse - do some exercise, get out, meet people, etc, etc. The suggestions themselves make me feel that I'm not doing enough to get myself better, and I get guilt and shame added to what I already have. Things that help are usually people constantly reminding me that my situation is temporary, and just encouraging me to keep going.

    Like you, I cannot get a job at the moment. Every 2 weeks I'm cycling into depression and severe anxiety. Every time I come out of it, I think yes, I'm going to be ok again, but out of no where, a crisis starts to appear. I can feel it coming, and I do my best to continue and ignore it, but each day it just gets stronger and stronger, until I can't ignore it. It takes over my ability to function. Everything becomes a big struggle. even getting dressed.

    I have to get well though. I have to get a job at some point, else we won't be able to pay the mortgage, and I don't want to think what would happen then.

    I'm tired of this shit too, but we must have faith.

    I wish you well and hope you find a way out. I hope you're able to find faith somehow.

  17. dax

    dax Well-Known Member

    Thank you again for responding, not that others here haven't responded with understanding, you write as though you're wearing my shoes. Faith is a difficult thing to come by for me. Ever since I was has been a slow, but constant descent in quality of life. If I knew then what I know now....I would of begged my past self to off myself. I mentioned I have side effects, permanent dystonia, stiffness of neck, awkward stiff position of arm and side of face. It affects my ability to speak and move my jaw when eating. Taking muscle relaxers helps....but those have side effects of their own, especially making me sleepy. Today I have numbness in my hand and arm, it feels like its spreading to my neck. Neurological damage from the meds is already appearing for me, hence the dystonia, and now it appears to be the numbness. I don't know, I see the doc today and then have to schedule with the neurologist next. If this is another permancy...I have a big decision to make. I promised myself not to go out on my back. I wasn't kidding or being overly dramatic that things do not get better for me. All I know is things always....eventually get worse, I never know how, I never know by how much, or even what side effect/illness hits me next. This is just par for the course for me :(
  18. Jena

    Jena Well-Known Member

    You can't go by what the internet tells you about your disorder. Everyone is different. If you want a future and a relationship you can have one. It may take a lot of work but you can and will get there.
    As for your meds there is a genetic test they can do now that will tell the pdoc which meds will work best for you vases on your genes.

    You can do this. Don't listen to anyone or what the internet tells you about your disorder. You can do this.
  19. dax

    dax Well-Known Member

    Thank you Jena. I will take your advice to heart. Though my research on my disorder is not purely based on the internet. I have a degree in Health Education and used a lot of different sources to learn about my condition. Though the genetic tests are completely news to me. Unsure if it would be of help cause a lot of the meds work on the illness but its the side effects produced by each med is what is wreaking havoc on me. I thank you again for the encouragement.
  20. Big M

    Big M Well-Known Member

    The Undateables! We have got to get that here in the States.
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