My story thus far.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Yarrick2k5, Jan 17, 2011.

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  1. Yarrick2k5

    Yarrick2k5 Member

    I'm 22, live in Kent here with my parents. I'm what the government calls a NEET.I've never made an attempt at suicide, but it's always on my mind. Been on my mind since I was 14 years old. I've always been a pretty melancholic and pessimistic person throughout school and college. I finished college in 2007 with 3 mediocre A levels. I never really felt interested in pursuing History and Archaeology and English as an actual career. I just picked them since my parents sent me to college. I also did Computing and Art but failed them.

    Well, since 2007 i've been here with my parents. I've done nothing since then and now. I tried for a few jobs in the few months after college. I had 4 jobs but never done more than 2 days worth of work for each one. I never liked it, was always something i found boring, canvassing work was very degrading. I've also worked in a juicing factory, a metal recycling factory, a textiles recycling factory and a recycling plant. But those were all very short lived and I simply stopped turning up. Never answered the phone calls nor collected the money for the few days of work i did. I'm not on any benefits becuase I don't agree with me getting free money off good tax payers.

    People keep saying I need a job for money, but i care little for money. I've never had more than £300 in my bank account. Considering how people my age are now having kids, getting their own places, paying rents and buying cars and all kinds of computers and games systems. I have no motivation to get a job. And I know I'm just a money drain on my parents.

    A year ago my mum got me to see this expensive private therapist ( i should feel guilty but i don't), who got me to join up too these two youth groups for disabled kids, get me to do volunteer work for kids. I did that for 6 months, didn't enjoy a single second. I felt sorry for the kids and i did feel guilty that I am like I am despite me being in a much better position in life than many of them have been given. It came to 2009 Christmas and I just stopped going. The happiness and the cheerfulness in all the kids deeply angered me and I just stopped turning up. Didn't answer any phone calls and my parents just sort of let me be. So all through 2010 i've done nothing.

    In terms of friends, well, I've got very few and they too are just messed up. 2 friends with 3 kids on benefits and all they do is play pokemon and games. Another who is now in major debt and the person i go to to get drunk with every 3-4 months. I barely see them often but they are pretty much my only friends I got. My brother sometimes invites me to go visit his friends, which is nice but somewhat backhanded as to me I feel insulted that I must socialise with 'normal' people.

    My days simply consist of surfing the internet, rarely chatting to anyone since i hate talking to stupid people. Which tends to make up the majority of the the internets population. I watch a lot of documentaries and anime and lectures. I might play the odd game on steam but my interest for computing games have almost disappeared. I'm always listening to music, and sometimes do some painting on my models.

    And thought out all that I've regularly, thought about death. i always imagine it out, jumping off a bridge or building near the centre of London. To make a scene and end it. I don't do any self harm as that is stupid in my opinion but over the last few years thoughts have been getting more extreme. I find myself pacing in my room having internal arguments with myself, not getting any sleep as I just sit up against the wall with my headphones on listening to music or just staring at the screen in a dark room reading some random news articles about how the world is more messed up than i previously thought.

    I do want to kill myself and simply be done with it. I don't believe in an afterlife so the idea of not being and being rid of my annoying thoughts seems very appealing. I have, absolutely no ambition, no motivation and no purpose to my life. I am just a drain on my parents, a drain on society in general (not that i want to be a part of this society) and an all round waste of space and whiner. I'm an idiot, and I want to die.
  2. disoriented

    disoriented Member

    Describing you, you just made the perfect description of me, my mental state, my thoughts and my personality. It described me so good I actually got scared. Also, ironically, it's 03.50 here and I'm sitting at the computer in a dark room with my headphones on, just browsing around and doing nothing. Can't sleep, can rarely sleep.

    I wish I could say something which could help, but since I'm in the same state of mind and life and neither see no way out I can't. Meaning this post is useless. But I somehow felt a need to write it anyway.
  3. DeAdwOrLD

    DeAdwOrLD Well-Known Member

    You sound like you don't even have the energy or will to die; simply a vague feeling that you are a burden on your parents and yourself. Other than that you seem really normal, boring even - in a good way

    I don't have any solutions for you but I'm glad you posted here
  4. Yarrick2k5

    Yarrick2k5 Member

    I completely understand that, I never really mention my thoughts to people irl since i see that not only do people generally not care what I think or feel, but that they are often glad that I am more troubled than they are.

    The only reason why i leave my house is to get meal worms/crickets for my geckos. But yea, i really can't be arsed with a lot of things. To give you a hint, after posting this I was looking around where I could delete this account as to really feel that no one really cares. And that it all harks back to me being incredibly ungrateful, whiny and apathetic.
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