My story *triggers a lot*

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by Scully, Dec 7, 2009.

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  1. Scully

    Scully Well-Known Member

    First time I really talk it out.

    I was outside at night/ evening. It was 11.20pm and I was going to seea friend. I lived a small town. I didin't see any light and backed off. He was waiting for me. First I thought it was a hazard, but now I don't think so, it was somebody I knew. He kicked me off on a an unused land (rural stuff, sorry for my English isn't so precise). He had a forearm on my throat while he raped me. He had a knife on the lfet side of my throat but I could barely feel it actually because I could barely breathe. I fainted, and I walk up about three hours later. I was bleeding. I put my clothes on as I could. My throat was so sore, my body too. I was in shock and shaking. I tried to knock at my friends door, but no one answered. There was no police there, the first post was 7 km away, walking in the dark. So I walked back home, threw my clothes away (yeah it's all my fault), stayed I dunno one hour under the shower. I did everything wrong.
    I stayed days curled up in my room. My grandmother saw the cut in my neck, but iclosed my door. Then I just wanted to die, because I found out I was preg some weeks then.

    Now I think I knew whom he is. A guy who once told me he'd hunt me and rape me in the woods. He had a knife he always played with. Honeslty, I dond't know what I'd do of him if he was in front of me now. I don't know his name, but I know his face. I would cut his balls if possible. I fell preg, and the baby was adopted, once unhappy more. That guy would deserve to pay. I was 20. I wouldn't be the same today. I hate myself for that, I was weak.

    Thanks for reading.
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi Alexia, you are brave for posting your story.

    None of what happen is your fault. None of it.

    You were confused and hurt, not thinking clearly. I think most people in that position would have done the same. It is never too late to report crimes like this. Obviously there won't be evidence but by reporting it , it will be kept on file which could potentially catch him months/years down the line.

    Have you had counselling? I really think it would help :hug: Always here if you need to talk.
  3. Scully

    Scully Well-Known Member

    I've been in therapy for 8 months both psychiatrist and psychologist. But I can't talk to someone in front of me. Thanks for the words. It's about the child I feel guilty. I hekld him and named him, to make understand he was welcome. But I couldn't keep him.
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I can understand that. Do you trust your psychiatrist and psychologist?
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 7, 2009
  5. Scully

    Scully Well-Known Member

    It was hard in the beginning. It's better now. But Ive got issues with trust. Comes from childhood. I feel some "cursed" in a way. But I feel good here, no one judges the story of another.
  6. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    wow that is just horrible what that man did to shouldnt have any shame at how you survived...there's no right way to deal with something like did what you least you're getting therapy and I hope its helpful....

    my heart goes out to you...:hugtackles::hugtackles::hugtackles:
  7. NoGood

    NoGood Well-Known Member

    You are a stronger person than I am sweetie!!!!! Never forget that. You are a surviver, a fighter, a strong, courageous woman!!!!

    I admire you for telling us this painful story. I wish I could take away the hurt but all i can offer are hugs and friendship.

    Stay strong.
  8. Emptysoul

    Emptysoul Well-Known Member

    Im so sorry to hear what happned. it WASN'T your fault, be strong. you could report it to the police, they might not have any evidence but it could help them catch before he hurts other people.
  9. Scully

    Scully Well-Known Member

    Thanks for commenting. I don't know if I still could lodge a complain. It was long ago.... I was young and alone. I have other ideas in mind, bad ideas, to hurt him bck. I know I shouldn't, and I won't, but at least I don't hate myself anymore for what happened. It's good no? Thanks for the support. Here at least I feel understood. I kow lots of women lives that. How can men be so ugly and nasty? Not all of them, but I watch the statistics, violence = 95% men....
  10. bluegrey

    bluegrey Antiquities Friend

    My father is a perverted, violent ape who put everyone in my family through sexual, emotional and physical abuse. I share his gender and his genetics but I am absolutely incapable of cruelty. You are right though to say that my gender is FAR more prone to violence.

    Your ordeal was terrifying just to read about. I hope you continue to heal and put it behind you.
  11. Scully

    Scully Well-Known Member

    I had a father likt that, out of that story. The worse is he's still alive and healthy when my mother died at 41, 17 years ago. Let's talk about jsutice....
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