My Story... *very long*

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by DepressedFemale, Nov 9, 2006.

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  1. I knew that at one point, I'd have to tell everyone about me and why I'm on this site.

    Ever since I was a child, I SI'd. Only random stuff like banging head on a wall.. nothing serious. I have no idea why, but because at times I thought I was stupid... I'd feel like I have to punish myself. That stopped as I developed into a young woman though.

    I went into secondary school, nothing went wrong there... except the odd rumour etc (being a girls school). I was actually quite popular, and got on with everyone. Then year 10 and 11 happened.

    A teacher at my school was attracted to me. Because I felt flattered that the older man liked me I flirted back (stupidly). The story goes (because I haven't talked to anyone about this) he manipulated me into having sex with him without me saying no. I felt like I couldn't say no because of the situation he got me in. If I had said no, then he would have got aggressive and abusive (being a psychopath himself), so I decided to leave it and shut up.

    Afterwards, I hated him. I completely regretted what happened and I felt sick with myself. So I refused to see him or contact him, which he got really annoyed by.

    Before I carry on, I must tell of one other feature. I had a best friend at this time, who had the same feelings for this teacher. I didn't have a clue what she was up to. After the incident with me and him, she decided to stay with him and contact him etc, whilst I let them get on with it and got on with my own life. I knew she fancied him but she never told me whether anything happened between them.

    After the incident, he got really nasty when I decided to leave him alone and get on with my own life. Every time I saw him in the corridor or something, he'd look at me like I'm a piece of shit and murmer something like 'fucking slut'. He used to tell me to go in his room because I've had a complaint against me, so I went in there, considering he was the teacher and I was supposed to do whatever he said. He'd tell me what a slut I am and how immature I am. Completely insulting me. At the same time though, he'd tell me that if anyone ever found out about us, I'd go to prison, my sister would be hated and go to an orphanage, my mum and dad wouldn't have me and my sister any more, and so on. So I kept quiet for about 6 months.

    6 months later, I get policemen at my door. It turns out that my best friend had a relationship with him, for 6 months. And when they broke up, he turned nasty/suicidal/stalking her. When she told the police of what he was doing, she told them of me as well. Without my permission, she told them what happened.

    He went on prison for 2 and a half year - which isn't enough considering I was 15 at the time and he was 35.

    The whole school found out what had happened when the newspapers came on, it was on every front page. Rumours went flying, and girl's started getting abusive. I was pushed around the school, everyone shouting taunts at me, it even got so bad I was followed home by 30 chavvy girls, threatening to kill me. I wondered why they thought so bad of me, considering what had happened. I only done it once and I never returned. Then I find out my 'best friend' has been telling everyone that I was the 16 year old, and she was the 15 year old (the paper never gave out our names), the 15 year old really being me and abused once.
    The bullying got so bad I had to move area. 50 miles away from my house. My family were understanding at the time and moved away with me. I started a new school, got new friends, new car/vehicle etc. I completely changed my life.

    Now I'm feeling the repercussions of it. I hate myself so much for what I did. To let out that anger I hurt myself. I went to the doctors and got diagnosed with PTD - Post-Traumatic Depression. It's OK sometimes, but then I feel a weight on me and I get down again.

    I want to go on anti-depressants as I feel my depression could affect the great friendships I have with my friends, who I really cherish as all my old friends disappeared. I still hate myself deeply, even though the incident happened 3 years ago.

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    On another note, since my life in my new town has improved my life etc. My family turn against me. I don't fully understand what I've done, maybe it's because of the incident, or maybe it's because of my boyfriend who they don't like. I don't know. I posted yesterday of an incident where my mother hit me and called abuse at me. I feel like such a black sheep and it's getting me down. There's too much pressure on me

    I don't want to be another victim of abuse...

    That's my story people, I'm sorry if you judge me, I am what I am and here is the place I thought I could talk to people about it.

    Thank you.
     
  2. Khaemwese

    Khaemwese Member

    It sounds like it's definately not your fault, just got caught up in something the teacher should have known better than to initiate. Hang in there, and things will look up. :grouphug:
     
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