My story xD

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Cooki, May 21, 2014.

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  1. Cooki

    Cooki Well-Known Member

    I had quite a number of attempts by now, most were just some kind of "game", nothing would have worked, and I knew that before I did it. But this time I had an overdose, it WAS serious and it WAS what I wanted to do. I wanted to throw my life away. It was awful, it didn't work out the way I planned, and I ended up in hospital, with my parents angry with me because my boyfriend's mum took me there, my boyfriend's mum angry with me because I didn't get my parents to overthink, my parents angry at my boyfriend's mum (and my boyfriend) for taking me to hospital without telling them first, my boyfriend's mum angry with my parents because they just didn't take me to hospital, and me angry with my boyfriend and the doctors for what happened in hospital. I hate needles. And now, I look like a junkie with all the wholes in my arms from all the needles they stuck in there to get my blood and to fill my arm with salt-water (seriously, they didn't do anything else than taking my blood and replacing it with saltwater....... I could have stayed at home oO). I couldn't sleep, because: a) the first night, every time I was just about to fall asleep, someone came into the room, made me stand up and go along the hallway to take me to a room where they could get some blood from me to test. b) I had some "stickers" on my chest and belly and these were connected with a monitor to watch my heartbeat; I can only sleep on my belly. c) they had a needle stuck in my right arm, which was connected with a saltwaterbottle, so I was forced to lay on my back and keep my arm straight. Did I mention that I hate needles? I literally fear pain. I'm probably the biggest sissy ever alive, I panick when I just see one of these needles, and sometimes even the thought of them makes me shake. By the way, the needles they put one in the arm for these drip-drop things that hang around (I don't know what they are called, but in movies they often have these with bloodbags) around here are made of plastic. I'm totally allergic to plastic, so my right arm (the one I will have to write down a lot of stuff with tomorrow, because I have to catch up my class with schoolwork) still hurts and I can't quite move it. They always put these needles on the inside of the ellbow (at least for me. Another girl that was in my room had the needle on the back of her hand, and anotherone had it on the inside of the arm, between ellbow and wrist. Latter had the perfect place for it I guess, I mean, she didn't have pain because of movement of the arm....) so I can't bow my ellbow........... It's awful. Oh, and did I tell you what an awful idea it was to attempt suicide?? I will never ever do that again, I won't go through this again, I will never ever make myself ripe to go to hospital without any reason again, and I will protect my ears in the future. I couldn't hear anything for about one or two days, and I nearly freaked. I couldn't hear myself talking, I couldn't listen to music, I didn't understand what people said to me. There was just the sound of water all the time, nothing else... I can read what people say from their lipmovements now. I had started concentrating on that quite some time ago, because my left ear kinda hears nothing, so my right ear and my brain puzzle the surrounding sounds together from what I hear on the right and the knowing that my left ear doesn't work properly. I guess I'll see a specialist for that. Maybe they can help me with it, or give me hearing aid or some advice how to protect my ears from any more damage. But anyway, I will have to go to school tomorrow, I will have to lie to everyone tomorrow, I will have to get a lot of work done tomorrow, and I just will never ever ever ever again try to kill me. My suicidal tendencies are over. And I will have to see a therapist -.-
     
  2. Ljt

    Ljt Well-Known Member

    Hi cooki, I am glad you went to the hospital. And just to be clear no one should be angry at you for going to the hospital. I understand that your parents were angry well I would be furious with my parents if I had to get someone else to take me to hospital.

    It sounded like you had a bad experience in the hospital but it was the best place to be. Sounds like you are on the right route by seeing a therapist. Stay strong and don't let anything influence your decisions to seek help.
     
  3. Cooki

    Cooki Well-Known Member

    It's not my decision to get help, I'm forced to see a therapist once a week from some time on, just because I was in hospital because of an overdose. I found out that the stuff I took would never kill a person. It was the american version of something we also have here, but my parents had actually bought that for an old dog of theirs, so they had to get really low-dosed version of this. It would have taken me a lot more of these to get myself over, but I would have had to puke when I had to get even one more of these down. I still have an urge to puke whenever I think about that.
     
  4. Ljt

    Ljt Well-Known Member

    Even if it's not your decision maybe that's what you need. I wish I had someone to force me to see someone. This could be a positive step. As for your drugs. You took them for a reason even if it can't so you any serious harm. If you didn't know the strength of the drug then you dong know what effects it can have.
     
  5. Cooki

    Cooki Well-Known Member

    It was just something almost everyone takes when they have pain. I looked it up on google after reading that it's 100 times deathlier than cannabis, because I didn't quite believe that the medicine people take when they have a headache might seriously kill someone or so. But yeah, that's what google said. The doctors told me that this would never work out with these. But okay, another reason to never believe what google says.
    My biggest problem with the therapy is that I will have to skip school a few days. They always make people show up during lessons..! I would really appreciate it if they could just think about what they might do to some teens' future with that crap. I mean, most of the suicidal teens around here are not good at school, and making them come to the therapist's in the morning so that they have to skip a schoolday won't help the kids get better at school either. My mum kinda threatens me with this kind of stuff. She wants me to feel really really bad, so she says that I will have to stay out of school when I have to go to that dumb therapist or to some doctor who could find out what's wrong with my ear. And she said that I won't be able to go to that internship at university either........ Some times I could just cry because of my family. But I can't tell my parents that I hate the way they treat me, because they always make me tell them that I was wrong and that I always get what I want and stuff. That's kinda true, but okay. My mum said that I will never have a sleepover at a friend's after this. Why didn't I just keep my mouth shut last friday morning??? My parents would have never got to know, and I might have only been at home from school for one day. My dad asked if I had eaten something wrong, and that could have been what I would have been okay with. They wouldn't have me seeimg a doctor or something, they wouldn't stop being any kind to me. I wouldn't miss the best things about life just because my parents want me to feel worse than I do anyway.... I just want to stay away from any doctors and therapists and psychologists and whateverelse these life-breaking people can be called..!
     
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