My story

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by jo84, Oct 25, 2012.

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  1. jo84

    jo84 New Member

    Hi all!
    First of all I have to apologize. As I am not a native speaker my posting will be full of spelling and grammar mistakes. I hope you can understand it though.

    I am 28 years old and I am from Europe. I have a great family; I never made bad experiences at school or college. I have a safe and very well paid job and people see a bright future ahead for me. From outside I have a perfect life and some people even envy me for that. But they don’t know anything about me…

    I have been suffering from suicidal feelings for a long time; I would say years. Sometimes it was stronger; sometimes it was not very present. Most of the time I was alone because I always felt very shy to ask a girl out for a date. Most of the time I was desperately in love but not brave enough to confess my feelings. Therefore, I always thought that dying wouldn’t be too bad in my situation. And occasionally I was very close to do the final cut.

    My strategy for coping with those feelings was to run away. I was living in several countries abroad, dangerous countries, where every day was full of adventures and everyday life just bothersome compared to Europe. This prevented me from thinking too much.
    Almost exactly two years ago I was just about to go to another country. I had a job contract there and it was in the third world. Everything looked like a big adventure.

    To make a long story short, I felt in love with a local girl there and after some time we got married. When my contract ended, I went back to Europe, settled down with a good job and a nice home, and organised everything so that my wife could come.
    For the first time in my life, I didn’t feel this emptiness and sadness anymore. For the first time in my life I was happy.
    But then I discovered that my wife had been cheating on me once. I must say it was before we got married or engaged. We’ve been dating for like four months and she took the invitation from one of her ex-“boyfriends” who was more than twice her age. This guy was writing to her as if she was a prostitute and she didn’t care about that.
    I know that she has just cheated once on me and that she has ended this contact months before I proposed to her.
    We were fighting a lot. She was crying almost every day and she even attempted to kill herself. We went for marriage counselling and after that the fighting became less and we can live a more or less normal marriage now. We have a son and she is pregnant now.
    However, I feel this sadness every day. Sometimes it’s so strong that I just want to die. My wife sees me sad and she tries everything to help me. She only wants to see me happy and smiling again.
    I forgave her everything and I know some people think it’s not that bad what she did. At least not that bad that I have to stop thinking about a feature with her and my kids.
    But I can’t forget. I go through everything day by day. I want to forget but it’s like I am caged in a prison.
    Actually I don’t want to die but for me it’s the only way to forget.

  2. Ellie Grey

    Ellie Grey Well-Known Member

    1) You've actually got good grammar :)
    It sounds like your suicidal feeling stem from being isolated from others and not being able to be with the people you love/care about.
    I think perhaps you should talk to your wife about how you feel? I knew a woman who cheated on a man once when she was young. I believe the man can't even look at her without being reminded. Their relationship is on the brink of ending because they never spoke to one another until it was too late.
    You are in a situation where you can't cope by running away, so you have to find another way of coping with it.
    Your wife seems a kind person who made a mistake, I understand if the thought circles around your head a lot. It seems mostly like you were lonely in the past because you never let anyone in (meaning you were never honest with the other person down to your shyness.) It sounds like your wife does cares about you a lot. She seems like she has her own problems to deal with too.
    Do you feel you could show her your post? I think writing it down is better.
    Maybe you should go for individual counseling?
    I'm sorry I could not be of more help, if you ever need to talk to someone you can talk to me.
    Good luck
  3. jo84

    jo84 New Member

    Thanks for the kind response.
    The funny thing is that I can understand my wife. I can understand what she did. If I was her, I would have done the same in her situtation I guess. When she started dating me she thought another man in my life who will leave me when he leaves the country. And during that time I was not sure if there was a future for us.
    I forgive her, really. The counsellor told me that forgiving means also forgetting. But I can't forget. It's haunting me..
    She knows how I feel. We still talk a lot about our feelings and I know that she would do everything for me just to see me as the happy husband as I was before I've discovered everything.
    I don't know what to do. A psycho-therapy can't help me. I need someone to erase some memories from my brain.
    Everything is just dark.
  4. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    You mention you understand the why and how it came about. You also are certain you forgive her. I do not think it is possible to forget - but it is possible to move on. A step in that direction may be to forgive yourself for being a part of what put her in that situation? It is typically far easier to forgive others than to forgive ourselves but forgiving ourselves yields greater peace.
  5. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    I agree with NYJmpMaster...the forgetting can be hard, but moving on is possible.

    It seems that she made this mistake when the two of you didn't have a permanent connection. Seeing it from that point of view makes it less that she was cheating and maybe more that she was checking to make sure she really had no further feelings for this other man.

    She came back to YOU. She committed to YOU. You have children TOGETHER.

    Perhaps if you can, figure out why this incident still hurts you so much...What does it mean to you that she saw this man? Does it help to know she didn't stay with him but came back to you? Are you afraid that she may do something like that again? If you can figure these things out, perhaps you can talk to her and she can give you the reassurances you need to hear so that you can move on.

    It is definitely possible to leave this in the past. Good luck. You sound like a good guy - I hope you can settle your mind and move on with life with your family. :hug:
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