My Story

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Oleg, Nov 1, 2012.

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  1. Oleg

    Oleg Member

    Hello everyone, my name is Oleg. I'm 24 years old I came here in a hope that someone will finally hear my voice, which isn't listened to by anyone else. I won't tell the story of my whole life, but just the key moments, so that you could understand why have I been feeling suicidal for years. Since I was around 6 years old, I knew that something was wrong with me. I was born with the Asperger's Syndrome disease, which affects my whole life, it put me into years and years of depression. I've been talking to myself since that same age. When I was 8 years old, I got sexually abused by someone I never knew, NOTHING was done about it by my relatives. Due to some bullying in school and outside of it, I said "I don't want to live!" for the first time at the age of 9. The fears I started to get at the age of 5 are still with me, I'd rather not to tell them. At the age of 11, I got sexually abused for the second time, this time with kidnapping, face-closing and death threats. Again, no one cared how scared I was, nothing was done about it. My parents claimed that calling the police would've been useless, as I didn't remember the face of the first abuser, and couldn't see the face of the second one, as he covered my head with dark material and shut my mouth with his hand. Closer to my 12th birthday I spent a month in a mental hospital. At the age of 14, a neighbor of mine, who was 16 years old, asked me if the abuse stories were true, and since I was stupid to admit that it was true, he blackmailed me with death if I didn't allow him to do the same for me. How many times did he abuse me - I didn't even count. Probably 10 times or so. A while after it my parents tried to help, but it was already too late. They never understood me the way I wanted, although they knew I am having problems. When I was 15, again someone tried to molest me, but this time I escaped. As a result of all that, I attempted suicide close to the age of 16 and had many plans how to do it. Because of that, I was hospitalized in a mental hospital again. Now, despite all that, I never smoked, nor drank, nor consumed drugs. Nor do I do it now. But other than all that, I have no interests nor passions whatsoever. Nor do I want to try anything. I have no direction in life and wish people finally realized that. There is no point in living if you have no interests or passions at all. Which is why I'm still suicidal, both because of my past and present. I don't see a future for myself. I prepared a suicide note already, and waiting for the right moment to print it and leave the house to die on the street. No one would care anyway, same way they didn't care when I was abused, they didn't even want to talk about it. I wish I was never born, or born dead. The world would've been a much better place without me, I'm just a scrape goat that everyone punishes the way they want, because I can't stand for myself. I'm introverted, anti-social and I still may get panic attacks every now and then. <Mod Edit, WildCherry>?... I hate my life. :'(
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 1, 2012
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I just wanted to reply and let you know that you're being heard. :hug: I can't even begin to imagine what you've been through or how difficult things have been. I hope you'll continue to reach out here; there are so many people here who care and can relate to some of what you've faced.
  3. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Dear Oleg, I am so very sorry that these things have happened to you honey, can totally understand why you are feeling the way you are.......I do hope that you will find a haven in SF and it will help you by connecting with people (even though through the screen) who really do care about you as a precious person. However life has treated us by the choices made by other people, the truth is Oleg that deep inside you there is still a part that wants to know that life can become better and that not everyone is an abusing and/or uncaring monster. I am so sorry that you have had these experiences and wish you all the very best in learning how this pain can be medicated. Not just by pills, but by new psychological truth that can heal your soul.

    People come here to SF to learn how to do these things, and we all try to help each other the best way we know how. Please take care and be safe, and know that there are those who do care about us, even when our feelings are so raw and try to say other things to us.
  4. Oleg

    Oleg Member

    I also want to add that I'm a lonely person. I have never had, nor do I have any friends at all. It totally kills me to see companies of young people hanging together and to feel that I will never have this, due to my extreme shyness and sensitivity. All I do is pointless sitting on the computer all day long. I do study and I'm looking for job, but who said it is possible for someone like me, who hates talking on the phone and hates working with people, find something? I don't want to, never wanted to live life, it is the truth about me that no one believes to.
  5. slcsportschick

    slcsportschick Active Member

    You'd be surprised at how many here can relate to that lonely feeling, Oleg. Tons of us don't have a lot of friends, but that can change here. I've only been here for a week or so, but I've made some great friends. They help me feel like I'm not alone, and have become like family to me. It might not be hanging out in real life, but it is something. We are real people, and we care about others.
  6. Oleg

    Oleg Member

    Thank you everyone. I wish more people would respond to my story. By the way, I am a man, not a woman.
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