My story.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Kezzie, Mar 29, 2013.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Kezzie

    Kezzie Well-Known Member

    You have all been so supportive on here I would like to tell my story. You may think my problems are juvenile or stupid, and you may think contemplating suicide for such reasons is ridiculous but nothing you say to me can be any worse than what I have heard before. My name is Kezzie and I’m 22. I have 2 sisters, both younger who I adore but we live more than 300 miles apart. From around the age of 8 I was physically abused by my mother, this abuse was ignored by my father for many years. When I was 12 my youngest sister was born. My mother was diagnosed with postnatal depression and wanted nothing to do with her, so I raised her and my other sister who would have been 7 at the time. This was hard but manageable as I received a lot of support from my nana. Just before my 14th birthday my nana died. It was sudden and unexpected and completely ripped my world apart. I kind of went off the rails from then really. I turned to drugs, alcohol and smoking, would skip school and self harm. This all went unnoticed until my 16th birthday. By this time I was heavily reliant on a number of drugs and binge drinking on a regular basis. I was admitted to a rehab facility and after a lot of work and many relapses finally got clean and have been that way for nearly 5 years. After I came out of rehab and went back home, I started working on rebuilding my life. I went back to school I made new friends and I rebuilt my relationship with my sisters. My relationship with my parents however was more strained than ever. After 2 years of existing, but not really living, I decided a fresh start was needed and so, I moved across country away from everything I have ever known and started again. This completely destroyed my relationship with my parents who have since disowned me and want nothing more to do with me. Because of this I am no longer able to keep in touch with my sisters and I feel more isolated than ever, but I was managing. Then 10 or so months ago, I was raped, it was violent and horrible and not something I like to think about. A little over 3 months later I found out I was pregnant. The rape was the first and only time I had ever had intercourse so there was no doubt in my mind who the father was. Being anti-abortion and quite a maternal person, I decided to keep the baby and a month ago I was rewarded with a gorgeous baby girl who I named Olivia. When Olivia was 4 days old she died, it was unexpected as she wasn’t poorly, and has been classed as a cot death. Once again I am at rock bottom and have no idea what to do or where to turn. As I said everyone on here has been so lovely I wanted to share a little bit of me even if people think these things stupid to be upset over. To me death is my beginning not my end, and I can finally see my nana and my beautiful baby girl again. But at the same time, I don’t want to let the world win. Its just getting harder to hold on. Thank you for reading this, though if no-one does it feels amazing to just write this down in one big block.
     
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I am so sorry...with your mother's history of PPD and the loss of your child, complicated by being raped and your isolation, it is no wonder you are feeling as you do...are you connected with a physician or medical practice that you can discuss how you feel and access services? It seems that this would be a good idea, as anyone in your situation...please try to advocate for yourself and get the care you deserve
     
  3. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Kezzie, thats quite a story you wrote. I cannot imagine anyone feeling anything but respect for you and compassion for all you have gone through. I, like sadeyes, hope there is some local support you can find ( along of course with becoming even more of a part of this sf community). It was clear from early on in your life that you are strong. This is clear to me. But the challenges you have been through are just daunting. I am deeply sorry that your beautiful baby girl passed away. I am so sorry for the loss of your nana. The loss of your parents who have disowned you. There is so much loss. I cannot imagine how anyone could deal with it all unless they have a lot of help.

    I am glad you found this community. And I do hope you can find the irl help you so deserve <3 and :hug: for you. From my heart to yours. Seriously
     
  4. BornAgain

    BornAgain Well-Known Member

    You have carried a big cross, many unimaginable things you have been through...

    Try to forgive your parents and everyone that hurt you, you don't need to tell them, just do it in your heart, I am sure your sisters will do everything to run away from that situation and they will want to find you there, as you were the most loving person they ever had, be strong and be ready for them...

    Sending you a hug and praying for you. God bless you.
     
  5. Theodora

    Theodora Well-Known Member

    There is specialist support and help available in the UK for young women who have suffered rape/ sexual abuse. Ditto for women whose babies have died. Please PM me if you need help accessing these. As other posters say you need help and support in real life. Hugs
     
  6. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Hi Kezzie,

    There is a lot of support in the UK for women who have been victims of rape, and also those who have lost children to cot death. Please reach out to your GP so you can access these services, do not carry this burden alone. You are strong and have been through so much, you can get through this.
     
  7. Kezzie

    Kezzie Well-Known Member

    Wow... I honestly did not expect anyone to actually read all that. Thank you for all of your advice and support. I expected to be judged or told to get over it as these are things I hear a lot so it really is amazing to find people who offer nothing but kindness. I have never told anyone before now that I was raped, it was always assumed that I became pregnant by my own choice. I'm not sure why this is, maybe because it was my fault I was raped. I was in the wrong area and wearing quite a revealing outfit. My baby gave me a reason to live, something to aim for and something to cherish. Now she's gone I once again have nothing and am nothing in this world. Its very hard. I was unaware that there was any kind of support available, so i appreciate you all informing me otherwise. Thank you for reading my story, and thank you for not judging me.
     
  8. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Hun, you must not blame yourself for being raped. It was NOT your fault, it was the sick monster that did that to you who has the problem, not you. He violated you in the worst way possible, there is no way you could be blamed for that nor should you. There is a lot of support out there sweetie and I hope you get some very soon. Instead of looking at looking what you've lost (although so tragic, I really feel for you) look at where you can go from here. If you have nothing now then you have a lot to gain. Live for your baby, live for her, keep her memory alive.
     
  9. Kezzie

    Kezzie Well-Known Member

    Once again thank you for taking the time to offer advice. I didn't realise people could be so lovely, even though we have never met and you do not know me, you are still taking the time to offer help. I guess I've always blamed myself for the rape, but when I found out about my baby, it didn't matter who's fault it was anymore because I was blessed with the most precious gift. Now she's gone and everyday it's harder and harder to find a reason to carry on. I suppose I've accepted that I'm worthless and undeserving of anything good. Before I found this site I had nobody to talk to and nowhere to turn. It may sound like I only want attention or that this is just a pity party, but I truly am at rock bottom and I feel so lost and alone. i don't know what to do.
     
  10. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Nobody thinks that sweetie. Many of us are here because we have hit that rock bottom and have nowhere else to turn to. I find it comforting that despite everybody here have differing situations and reasons for being here, I am never alone. You are WORTHY and DESERVING of help, whether it is here, or from doctors or counsellors. You are WORTHY and DESERVING of good things.
     
  11. iceblue

    iceblue Well-Known Member

    Hi Kezzie, I'm so sorry to hear what happened to you and think its a really normal reaction to feel so upset and low and you need someone around you in real life who understands. I would also really urge you to reach out for help in the form of some kind of regular counselling or a survivor's support group for what has happened. I think that if you're having trouble finding something near you, the Samaritans usually hold information on whats available and your GP ought to be able to refer you to some. It could help give you a focus or haven for each week where you have someone to help talk about ideas to help you cope with the days ahead and to heal your sense of self-worth. You are not alone in these kind of things happening, but sometimes it takes a while to find the right kind of support.
     
  12. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Sweetie, no one in their right mind could ever accuse anyone of being to blame for being raped. Although of course many victums do blame themselves. But they are not right about that. The rape was never your fault :hug: Butterfly said it and it is true: You are WORTHY and DESERVING of help. You are not those bad things you think you are. I promise you I am right. I am positive.

    Do you think it is possible that your beautiful baby girl is in heaven trying to help you to get help? I dont know. But I will say, I would not be surprised at all if this was true. My heart broke reading your story. Because of all that has happened to you. None of which was your fault. I am happy you found out that we care. That you found out you have people here who can see what you cannot. That you are good. and that you deserve help. And that nothing was your fault. And we are a community who will support you. Because you deserve nothing less than that.

    Maybe your baby girl led you to us. And maybe we can help support you in getting the help you deserve. And then we can all be here for you while you begin the process of healing all that you can heal. Yes, the loss of a baby dying does not completely heal. But you can find a lot of help to make that ache and despair much less. And you can begin to work in seeing how it was never ever your fault. :hug: x a million
     
  13. CGMAngel

    CGMAngel Well-Known Member

    Kezzie;

    I just want to reiterate what other people have said. You have done nothing wrong. I don't care what you were wearing or what you were doing - RAPE IS NEVER THE VICTIM'S FAULT.

    Another thing. Who are these people blaming you and telling you to "get over it"? Is it possible you can stay away from them? You don't need those types of toxic people in your life.

    Please understand that you deserve all the support, love and compassion you need at this time. Please reach out for help and remember we are all here for you.

    You have been through so much. You deserve all the good things in life. Never stop believing they will come your way.

    CGM
     
  14. Kezzie

    Kezzie Well-Known Member

    The support I have recieved on here in just 2 days is more than I have ever had in my entire life, and its completely overwhelming how amazing you people are. I try so hard every day just to exist, I have been to the doctors about depression and was placed on tablets which do absolutely nothing. I went back and told him this and he told me that they wouldn't work because the problems were all in my head and I needed to get a grip. I haven't been back since, nor do i plan to ever go back again. I just feel like I'm clinging to the edge of a cliff and its getting harder and harder to hold on, and nobody would care if I let go anyway.
    Thank you all for your kind words. It means a lot
    Kezzie
     
  15. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Yes, well that doctor was a........ well I do not want to use that language here. Is there a way of finding a therapist? Because if you can, then you can get help you need. And then the therapist can lead you to a doctor who is not a ........... I do think anyone who has been through what you have needs both. I cant imagine enduring what you have lived through and not needing both therapy and meds. :hug:
     
  16. CGMAngel

    CGMAngel Well-Known Member

    Kezzie - Did you doctor really tell you to get a grip? That is disgraceful. I posted about this the other day - doctors just do not understand depression and mental illness.

    Are you completely out of touch with your sisters? Is there no way you can contact them? I think it would be worth a try.

    Also, what about friends (the non-judgemental kind)? In any event, you have just made a lot of new friends here - and we won't EVER judge you.

    CGM
     
  17. Kezzie

    Kezzie Well-Known Member

    I have a few 'friends' who I have told about parts of my past, these are the people who told me to just get over it. Other than that I have one very close friend, but she knows very little of what has happened in my past as I'm scared she'll judge me and not want to know me. I've never really thought about therapy. Never thought i was entitled to it or should abuse the system if it was thought to be unnecessary. The one person I have told everything to from beginning to end told me that my problems weren't that bad and I just had to deal with it instead of blowing it all out of proportion, though i must admit i did not mention the rape. The first time i admitted to that was on here. As for getting back in touch with my sisters, I have tried. All of the phone numbers have been changed, my letters go unanswered and I am blocked off facebook and email accounts. I don't know how else to reach out to them.

    Thank you again for the advice, I don't want anyone to think I don't appreciate it
     
  18. Much afraid

    Much afraid Well-Known Member

    Dearest Kezzie, you are so very precious, a treasure that is waiting to be found and cherished. Your Nana and little Olivia would surely tell you this and my guess is their spirits are cheering you on to great, wondrous happiness before you all meet again. You've known great pain and sorrow at such a very young age. You are to know peace and joy too.

    Definitely do not stop at one doctor who should, perhaps, seek another vocation. You did nothing wrong - victims are NOT to be blamed when others so cruelly violate them. You were/are meant to be loved and cherished and it will happen. For now, focus on finding those people who can assist with medical and emotional help irl. As others have shared, you are a survivor and I believe you will be a conqueror of this pain. You will know joy again. ♥
     
  19. iceblue

    iceblue Well-Known Member

    It makes me so angry to hear that your doctor has been so dismissive of your situation. I can understand very much you not wanting to go back. Do not give up though, because there is help out there and its worth persevering. Have been looking for some organisations which might be able to help - here are some links:

    Cruse Bereavement Care - has a helpline number:

    http://www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk/

    Rape Crisis in UK

    http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/

    NSPCC Adult Survivors of Childhood Abuse & Neglect 24/7 Helpline

    http://www.nspcc.org.uk/help-and-ad...hood/adults-abused-in-childhood_wda87228.html

    There are a number of other helplines, especially depending on where you live, but one of the above might prove helpful or may be able to guide you to further help - its worth asking if they know who might offer some kind of counselling or support where you can travel to.

    It might be that at some point you will need to go back to your GP - sometimes it can seem difficult to stand up for yourself because doctors can be put on a bit of a pedestal - but you are entitled to ask for and receive help. Many people end up changing doctor because they find their current one unhelpful or find that they have to go back several times before they are heard - its a frustrating situation - and like all people, they make mistakes.

    Hope this helps a bit - keep in touch.

    Iceblue x
     
  20. Kezzie

    Kezzie Well-Known Member

    It truly is unbelievable how incredibly nice you people are. Ice blue thank you so much for the links, I will look at them now and see what they're about. It really is helpful as I didn't even know where to start. Thank you everyone for taking the time to offer your help and advice. It really is an amazing feeling that I have people I can really talk to and who won't judge. Thank you
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.