You have all been so supportive on here I would like to tell my story. You may think my problems are juvenile or stupid, and you may think contemplating suicide for such reasons is ridiculous but nothing you say to me can be any worse than what I have heard before. My name is Kezzie and I’m 22. I have 2 sisters, both younger who I adore but we live more than 300 miles apart. From around the age of 8 I was physically abused by my mother, this abuse was ignored by my father for many years. When I was 12 my youngest sister was born. My mother was diagnosed with postnatal depression and wanted nothing to do with her, so I raised her and my other sister who would have been 7 at the time. This was hard but manageable as I received a lot of support from my nana. Just before my 14th birthday my nana died. It was sudden and unexpected and completely ripped my world apart. I kind of went off the rails from then really. I turned to drugs, alcohol and smoking, would skip school and self harm. This all went unnoticed until my 16th birthday. By this time I was heavily reliant on a number of drugs and binge drinking on a regular basis. I was admitted to a rehab facility and after a lot of work and many relapses finally got clean and have been that way for nearly 5 years. After I came out of rehab and went back home, I started working on rebuilding my life. I went back to school I made new friends and I rebuilt my relationship with my sisters. My relationship with my parents however was more strained than ever. After 2 years of existing, but not really living, I decided a fresh start was needed and so, I moved across country away from everything I have ever known and started again. This completely destroyed my relationship with my parents who have since disowned me and want nothing more to do with me. Because of this I am no longer able to keep in touch with my sisters and I feel more isolated than ever, but I was managing. Then 10 or so months ago, I was raped, it was violent and horrible and not something I like to think about. A little over 3 months later I found out I was pregnant. The rape was the first and only time I had ever had intercourse so there was no doubt in my mind who the father was. Being anti-abortion and quite a maternal person, I decided to keep the baby and a month ago I was rewarded with a gorgeous baby girl who I named Olivia. When Olivia was 4 days old she died, it was unexpected as she wasn’t poorly, and has been classed as a cot death. Once again I am at rock bottom and have no idea what to do or where to turn. As I said everyone on here has been so lovely I wanted to share a little bit of me even if people think these things stupid to be upset over. To me death is my beginning not my end, and I can finally see my nana and my beautiful baby girl again. But at the same time, I don’t want to let the world win. Its just getting harder to hold on. Thank you for reading this, though if no-one does it feels amazing to just write this down in one big block.