My Story

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by scarss, Apr 18, 2013.

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  1. scarss

    scarss Member

    I've never taken the liberty to sit down with any one, even a notebook and tell my entire lives story. Don't worry this isn't going to be a novel. But sometimes i don't even know why i feel the way i do.

    I'll start with the sixth grade. thats where my depression really started. I had a group of five friends. we were really tightly knit and we had a bunch of other friends, but we 5 were the dream team. I'm not going to lie, for sixth grade we were the "populars" cheerleaders, lacrosse players. everything. I don't know how i was in that crowd. i was heavier than the others. i wasn't as pretty. i guess in sixth grade looks aren't as important as now.

    anyways we had been friends for a few years, but one day, sometime in november. the head of our five some dropped me. She completely dropped me. She was my best friend. I came into school one day and she wouldn't talk to me. Shortly after, since she was the most popular girl in school, the others followed. before i knew it i had absolutely no friends. one of the girls came up to me and handed me a ripped up picture of me and walked away. no one talked to me. a bother called me stupid. one even pulled me aside and told me " I don't really wanna be friends with you anymore okay so don't talk to me" i was devastated. i ate lunch in empty classrooms. it was so sad. i cried myself to sleep every night. the worst part was a month later my grandfather died and i had nobody to rely on

    i had one friend outside of my school district who stuck by me. one friend. who i barely saw because she lived an hour away. Sixth grade was hell. All of the boys started calling me "The Whale" it was my nickname created by my ex boyfriend. yeah the ONE boyfriend I've ever had. that relationship lasted one month and i found out it was only to make this other girl mad. I was so sure i was in love with him. Every time i turned a corner i was called the whale. "look out the whale is coming". they left me prank voicemail's saying "this is the whale hunter you have to turn yourself in" "you are a danger to society" I practically forgot my own name nobody used it anymore. I was so accustomed to being alone. On top of this my brother has autism so home isn't even a safe place. i had nowhere and nobody.

    The summer between the turn over of sixth and seventh grade, one of my five friends came back and apologized to me. I was so desperate for anyone that i forgave her. i was never really upset because of all the trauma i had gone through that i forgave her immediately. everyone else followed. seventh grade started and i started to have a few friendly connections. i had classes with one of the five girls and we became close again. The guys had remembered my name for the most part although there was still an incident here or there. things were good for the first month.

    September thirty-first my mom told me she had breast cancer. i have never cried so much in my life. what the fuck was happening you know? i just was so miserable and worried. I told a few of my close friends and they were really nice and supportive. but one of them, remember that friend from sixth grade from outside my district? she dropped me. told me over text she didn't want to be friends anymore. she was my best friend since kindergarten.it crushed me. i was taking hit after hit after hit. my grades slipped. my parents yelled. my mom went into surgery. everything was shit. i started cutting in october. everything was stacked against me. i even had some more deep secretes from before sixth grade that i was guilty about.

    after my mom went through her surgery and she got better my new best friend decided she didn't want to be friends anymore either. we had been so close. the kind of friends who laughed at everything. boom. she was gone. then remember one of the five girls i became close with again? we became real real close but she dropped me again. i didn't know where to sit at lunch. i went to sit in my seat and she said "Oh ______ sits there now" i ran out of the lunch room crying. i didn't now how much more i could take. by this time my arm all ready was covered. i had thought about death a lot. now i was serious. i needed to die. this lasted about a month before the five some girl became my friend again. of course- i forgave her. towards the end of seventh grade i wasn't extremely close with anyone but this one girl, we had called each other best friends throughout the whole year yet she wouldn't talk to me in school, only out of school. it was really shifty. summer between seventh and eighth was interesting, my cutting stopped a bit because of the inconvenience. i had moved on finally from my with grade boyfriend and really really really liked this guy we will call him *, anyways the issue was he had a girlfriend.

    Over the summer i went to Nantucket, and while i was there he confessed to me that he liked me also. Of course this was the first guy who i believed really genuinely liked me. i was so happy. so we had a thing for a while. of course the guilt ate me alive about his girlfriend. i was friendly with her. they had been dating for a year. he was so sweet to me. he told me he was going to end it with her. i made the mistake of believing him. when he finally told me he wasn't going to it killed me. i trusted him. he was so since to me i really thought he cared. i was devastated. i still haven't gotten over him. eighth grade started and i was in a dark place. i was cutting really badly and i had extremely bad suicidal thoughts. i had really bad anxiety and avoided social situations as best as possible. my confidence was low ever since sixth grade. in early september one of my friends told the guidance counselor i was a cutter. she told my parents. they were crushed. my autistic brother had gone through suicidal phase in the past as well. they put me into an intensive outpatient care. i spent two months out of school. i told people i had mono. confession- the place didn't really help. when i got back to school i did a bit better for a while. there are more details i should be telling you. theres so much more you need to know. I'm just to tired to type it all. i guess nobody can really know how much I'm hurting. i just needed someone to know. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 18, 2013
  2. scarlettdrknss

    scarlettdrknss Well-Known Member

    you've obviously been through a lot, and don't be sorry for that! i'm sorry that's happened to you. but you know what? you've fought your way through that. you're still alive and still fighting. that shows how strong you really are. you're strong enough to pull through this. keep fighting, it's worth it. you have so much experience now and you sound like a very nice person as well. i haven't noticed even one bad quality in that whole text you wrote. you're worth much more than you think right now, stay strong <3
    and feel free to write as much as you want here. there always be one to listen
     
  3. scarss

    scarss Member

    thank you so much for taking the time to read this, and to reply
     
  4. Theodora

    Theodora Well-Known Member

    So sorry that you are so unhappy. Finding true friends can be really difficult. Do you have anyone other than school friends that you can talk to?
     
  5. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    That time in life is like the worst time in life for anyone. I have to say I remember mine not being pleasant at all. People wonder why I am so apathetic and non-trusting. I think that it would do you a lot of good to not forgive your former friends if they come around again. Be calm and collected and remind them of the times they found your friendship inconvenient. Then walk away, that is the only thing you can do.
     
  6. scarss

    scarss Member

    not anymore no not really. Im moving schools for high school though and I'm really excited
     
  7. Ataraxia

    Ataraxia Member

    Sorry to hear about your experiences. The whole 10-22 year old phase can be tough. Just remember people are fickle, they aren't real. Its not you, its them that are messed up. So don't let them bring your self worth down. There is nothing wrong with you. Just keep being you and don't invest your heart heavily into anyone yet. I know its harder to do it then it is to say but just remember most of these people aren't really worth your time. When your in your mid 20's, if any of these people have stuck with you throughout the years, then you know that those are your true friends. Be strong, have fun while your young but just remember most of these people are not true friends.
     
  8. Lestat

    Lestat Well-Known Member

    I think this time in any girls life is hard. Being a straight guy I think is normally more easy through these teenage years.

    I hope you can get through this, as normally after this time life gets better. After school is over and these girls find out that life is not about being popular and they need to find a job and pay bills they will wake up to the real world.

    Please use this forum to talk about things. You will find many people you can relate to and get advice from. Forget them bitches and fake people. Even if they wanted to be your friend... It would be a bad idea to be around such fake and bigoted people. You need real people in life... Maybe some will be on this forum. I have found people on here who really saved my life... I may not have ever met them (Might sound "sad" or "strange" to some people) but without them I may not be living.

    I hope you can get past this horrible time and one day be happy or content. Keep strong, and talk to us.

    :)
     
  9. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry you had to go through all that...children and teens are the worst sometimes....but it gets better once you leave for college...when I was in elementary I was thin and had lots of friends, then my dad forced me to move in the country side and I gained weight and was teased about it all the time, especially by the boys...your story reminds me of that...I'm also a cutter...but haven't in two years...
     
  10. mortdesinos

    mortdesinos Well-Known Member

    Hi,

    I hope you have read through the replies. We are all here to help, of course. In the end, though, there may be good news and bad news to bear. The bad news is that grade school can be hellish. The good news is that people do mature, and you eventually learn who your good friends are. Things that bothered me in grade school no longer are issues for me. It seems that posting here was probably a way to vent your frustration, and hopefully a healthy one.
     
  11. In Limbo

    In Limbo Forum Buddy

    Good to hear that you're looking forward to things - sounds like you're on a good pathway at the moment. Anytime you should want someone to talk to, feel free to drop me a PM.

    Much love,
    Chris
     
  12. scarss

    scarss Member

    i did, thank you i appreciate it
     
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