My story

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by shinody33, Jun 23, 2013.

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  1. shinody33

    shinody33 New Member

    Hello everyone,

    I found this forum just few moments ago and I decided to share my thoughts with you.
    I tried forum with my native lagnguage and I would like to see opinions and advice from people of others countries.

    Last five years was really hard and I am still feel that I am not OK and my condition is getting worse everyday.

    Everything started 5 years ago, I was on college third year. In this time, girl that I had feelings for her, she break my hearth. But I have to say, we did not have relationship, we were jus friends, but few months before she moved in "my city", she started to talk me how she likes me, how she care about me, simply some nonsens from which I believe, she wanted more than a friendship with me. But when she move here, she said she is sorry, she wants to be friend and other stuff. You know it. I took it really bad. It really hurt.
    So I tried to forget on her, I worked hard on college, my grades improved and succesfully finish studies. But during these times I still have her in my hearth and feel pain.
    After school I had to move to our capital city due to work. I started career as "financial analyst", but it is not so cool how it sounds :)
    So I have been in new city, with new people, with work, with responsibilities. Completely new life and I hoped I will find my happiness here. But that never happends. Things get worse when I fall in love with my colleague. But she said same stuff as girl before, she wants to be just friend. But this time it was worse because I see her every day in work and pain inside of me growed and growed. I completely collapsed, I remind myself all my failures, everything bad, what happend to me is crrosing my mind every time.
    I started to have trouble with eating, sleeping. I stared cut myself on hands and I have really bad scares on my right hand.
    I tried psychiatrist, but I do not believe some pills will cure me. I tried them, but they just mess my body and health.
    One time I ate all antidepressants, but nothing happend. Honestly, I did not believe that I will die after that.
    I wanted die so bad, I also prayed to God that night, that I do not want wake-up, but I am here. Full of pain, anger, hatred and I am confused, I do not know what to do.
    Ironic on this issue is that, that I have been awarded in my job as top performer for year 2012 and that girl in my office, we become very closed friends and we know each other secrets.
    I am try to find new job, to leave this girl, but in this time is lucky that you have work.

    Sorry for my long post but I had to "scream" it out for me.
    And sorry for my bad english.

    Thank you

    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 23, 2013
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Hello Peter - welcome to SF and I am sorry for the run of bad times. Your English is perfectly understandable by the way.

    Perhaps it is not meds so much as counseling to help you talk through the way your attachments build to these women? Or feel free to keep talking here- maybe others will have more insight than I.
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi Peter...firstly, you can feel very proud that in spite of how you were feeling you graduated and got a great seems that there is a pattern that you should look at...maybe speaking to your doctor about other medications and talk therapy would be of value...when we repeat certain patterns, it seems to mean that there are other underlying issues that have to be resolved..please continue posting and know that there are people here who care...also, you English is quite good...better than any of the other languages I know.
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