My story...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Fade to Black, Sep 9, 2013.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Fade to Black

    Fade to Black New Member

    Hi there,

    First of all, please excuse my English as it is my second language.
    Brace yourselves, it's a long read.

    Here's my story:

    I'm 20 years old, male and not doing very well.
    I suppose a bit of back-story is required...

    So, basically the past 5 years have been terrible. It all started after dropping out of high-school, back when I was 15 years old. I had a great time in Elementary School (besides an open-heart surgery when I was 11 or so, but got out of it quite well with only a leaking valve) and the first 3 years of high-school.

    In my third year I was having some trouble (or at least I thought so back then) and became a somewhat rebellious teenager. At the time I wasn't too fond of my classmates, had a grudge against the system and felt a little depressed. However, I had an amazing mentor/counselor and History teacher. She was Asian, late 20's (I think) very nice and understanding and to this day still, by far the greatest person I've ever had the pleasure to meet. She gave me advice and like no other knew what I meant when talking about the problems I was dealing with. She let me change classes when I'd decided I wanted to follow a different school profile (like economics), which is normally not possible. Suggesting that if I couldn't bring it up to go to school 5 days a week it was alright for me to skip a day (even though my parents wouldn't let me) and even visit me at home once to talk.

    Anyhow, the change of profile didn't work out as intended. Having entered an all girls class ultimately resulting in going back to my old class and eventually refusing to go to school. After all these years this has been the worst mistake of my life and I still feel bad for letting her down like that without a chance to apologize. I haven't seen her since, miss her a lot and am obviously afraid to contact her again (I guess it would be kind of weird). I've mostly blamed myself for quitting school, but I've always felt my parents could have done a bit more. They never explained to me why it was so important, what the consequences would be or took the time to have a meaningful conversation with me. The only thing they did was scream at me and occasionally use force to get me out of bed for school. The thing that bothers me the most is that when I brought this up in the past, they kept on saying it's entirely my fault. I don't expect them to fully acknowledge responsibility for what happened nor am I trying to shift the blame, but if they at least admitted SOME accountability, not even half of it, it would make me feel a little bit better I suppose.

    The last quarter of the year and the year after I spend at some small school, doing nothing really besides attending. After that I went on to college starting an education where it was possible to enter without a degree. I quit about 3/4th of the year due to not finding a good internship and lack of interest. The year after that I took a few jobs at a couple of agencies, but because I couldn't always find work I was home quite a lot which resulted in my parents becoming agitated, which is understandable, but I hated the way they've dealt with it. Screaming, provoking, suggesting I'd kill myself by jumping in front of a train, those kind of things. I had no friends any more and suffered from loneliness the entire time. All the while thinking back on how it was before.

    After that, at long last I got my high-school degree nevertheless. It was a horrible year with the worst classmates imaginable, but somehow I managed to go through with it. At the start of this year I've also developed some kind of social anxiety, agoraphobia or whatever you want to call it (I haven't told anyone about this yet, because I am ashamed of it). I felt out of place, my heart began to race, started sweating and shaking in social situations and often had a fight of flight response. After a while I became more afraid of the "attack" itself rather than anything else. The fear of fear more or less.

    The year after I took another year of high-school in an adult class (the rest was around my age) to ensure I could start with the right education. My dream has always been to become a history teacher (I love history, explaining things and to be in a high-school environment) However, I had to quit because of travel time, social anxiety issues that left me extremely uncomfortable in class which in turn had a negative effect upon my concentration.

    The rest of the year had been downright awful and I pretty much hit rock bottom. Unable to - or really had the motivation - to find work I fought a lot with my parents. My mother only works part-time, constantly screaming and doing all those things I've told before. She knew it didn't help, but she'd continue anyway. I even think she gets some sort of satisfaction from it. Even after asking multiple times to stop and be quiet in a polite way, to raising my voice to yelling and after threatening to brake things in the house she still wouldn't stop. I normally then go for a bike ride or listen to music, but this one time it went wrong. She was uttering the most horrible insults and I hit her twice. She then called the police and I'd gone to jail for half a week, luckily acquitted afterwards. during my time in jail a social worker took advantage of my vulnerability (After being alone for half a week in a cell, you just want to talk to someone, anyone) by addressing the most personal issues and bribing me into telling her, otherwise she'd threaten to give negative advise to the judge.

    While I regret my decision to hit her I'm still mad about the things she (my mother) said to me and provoking me that much. I'm a very patient and quiet guy and it takes a lot to get under my skin like that. I would never hit anyone, especially not a woman, but I guess you'd have to know my mother to at least somewhat understand. Not only have I been in jail, I've read the statement of my parents they gave to the police and it's ten times worse than it really was. Like they're out to give me a criminal record. I couldn't visit home for a couple of weeks due to a restraining order and I basically had to live on the street. At least I had somewhere to sleep at a place with a lot of junkies and whatnot. I could've stayed at relatives, but I didn't want them to go through the trouble of providing me shelter.

    These were some of the worst weeks I've ever had. No computer, reasonable food, books, music, guitar etc. I started smoking and doing drugs for a while there, but quit as soon as I was aloud to go back home.

    Now I'll go into something that really bothers me. My parents accuse me of having autism (aspergers) and I disagree with them completely. The social worker agrees with them and forced me to have a few conversations with psychiatrists, again threatening me that if I wouldn't she'd advise to prolong the restraining order to the major. They both said at a first impression nothing seemed wrong with me and further investigation wasn't necessary. When I had a talk with the social worker later she claimed the exact opposite. Either she's lying to me or they both have been lying to my face. I've also noticed she has a way of changing someone's words, like she only hears what she wants to hear.

    Anyway, I started an education again this year. It's not what I wanted, below my capabilities, not that interesting either and it'll take years to get to where I want to be. I can take an entrance test when I'm 21 for the education I'd like to follow, but it's difficult to depend my future on the possibility of succeeding such a small, under pressure, snapshot test. As it is I'm barely holding on. Living with my parents whom I despise (I can't afford to live on my own, because of school), following an education I don't want to, dealing with social anxiety issues and parents + a social worker who constantly want to label me for something I don't have. This bothers me a lot, it's insulting accusing someone with a disorder they don't have. They won't leave me alone, even though I can function properly without.

    The problems I'm having are different and a result of 5 horrendous years. They sometimes say every failure makes you stronger, but in my case it broke me. I was a normal and happy kid during elementary and high-school. Now I'm not the same any more, not being able to think positively.

    I'm thinking back all the time how my life used to be, and how it would've been if I hadn't made that mistake 5 years ago to drop out of school. I even take bike rides a few times a week the exact same route as I used to go to high-school just to try and live in the past again. It reminds me of that Metallica song "fade to black". "Things not what they used to be. Missing one inside of me"

    I don't want therapy due to bad experiences with them in the past and I don't feel talking could make things better. Not for my depression or my social anxiety. I sort of know already what they'd say and I don't want to be dependent on medication. I also don't like what they do to your brain and the side effects they have (like ssri's or benzos)

    So, that's basically my story. I have no idea why all of a sudden I felt the need to type and post it here. I've thought about suicide for a long time now. Hope was the only thing that kept me going, but it isn't really there at the moment. Suicide is harder than most people think. All of the things you still wanted to be a part of and realize you can't when you're no more and even then they're so far beyond your reach. I don't think it's worth it.

    Some kind of miracle has to happen in the next few days to prevent me from taking my own life. Though I've been on the brink of committing suicide many times, only to walk away from it at the very last moment due to a glimmer of hope, or just being too scared to go through with it. All I know is the method I'll be choosing will be one of the most fatal. No attempt.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi hun there are upgrading schools for adults that you can go to and get your highschool diploma MEds are worth it if they give you a life of stability and peace what life do you have now take a chance trust a new therapist i had to go through some too and finally found one i can work with hun. YOu have to keep reaching out use all supports that are there so you do waste more years in turmoil ok. I am on a medication that increase dopamine levels much better then the ssri i was on You keep trying ok you are still so young so don't give up hugs
  3. Fade to Black

    Fade to Black New Member

    Alright, I've made a mistake. How do I delete/edit this thread?
  4. Fade to Black

    Fade to Black New Member

    Please delete this thread. Too much personal information. Thanks in advance, mod.
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.