My story.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by CrazyCraig, Jan 8, 2014.

  1. CrazyCraig

    CrazyCraig Member

    I went to film school and then moved to L.A. because I wanted to make movies. I wanted to write, act, direct, and do everything. And the first few years while I was struggling, I remained pretty hopeful. I made some good friends, went to a few industry parties, never made much money, but kept my hand in creative projects for quite a while. I produced a theater show in 2003 (lost a lot of money) and co-wrote a play with a friend in 2004 that played at festival in New York. Things started to go bad in 2006. I was laid-off from my job as a video editor and had to do temp office work for the first time, which was tough because I could never afford a car and L.A. public trans sucks. Then in 2008, the work dried up. The recession hit. One by one, friends moved away or fell out of my circle. I had a massive fight with my best friend and we parted ways forever. A year later I had another fight with my writing partner and we split up. The only good thing that happened in 2009 was that I taught myself to self-publish and since then I published four books, which made me feel good for a while. But most of the time I was lonely, broke, stressed out and drinking. By the time 2010 rolled around, I couldn't lie to myself anymore: I had to move back to Massachusetts and live with my parents. Well, its now 2014, I still live with them, I still temp, my car is dying, I drink too much, my parents are sick of me living with them and so am I, I have no confidence anymore, I'm still lonely (I'm 44 years old and there doesn't seem to be any chance that I'll ever meet a girl who will love me) and I feel incredibly trapped by life. I still try to write, but its harder going now. After four books, its tough to get excited about a fifth (especially when no one noticed the first four). I hate my job, but I can't go back on unemployment. I sometimes think about killing myself, but I know that it would hurt my family (and besides, I wanna see how Peter Capaldi makes out on Doctor Who). Whenever a crisis comes up, I feel petrified. I want to be an indenpendant middle-aged man, but instead I feel like a child in old man's clothing. I hate myself for all my faults and weaknesses. And no woman will ever love me for who I am.

    That's it.
  2. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    you know, i have noticed a trend among the single men on this site.... many of them say "no woman would want me", and yet i also hear them say "so whats the use in trying?"

    well, here's three facts:
    #1 i am a woman so can honestly speak from the woman's point of view
    #2 if you don't try, how can you ever expect to succeed
    #3 women do not see you the same way you see you, therefore you cannot go solely off your judgement of yourself, hence saying "no woman would ever want me" is a moot point, because all that means is that if you were a woman you would not want you, but since your judgement is not necessarily the same as a woman's judgement, that is an invalid point

    Now, having said all that... I'm also going to say this. There are different kinds of women. Some women are strictly superficial... ie, they look to see how you look, how much money you have and deem you worthy in this way. Some women are searching for family life therefore look to see how well you measure up in standard of providing for and raising kids. Some women are just after sex and if that's the case, they don't necessarily care about your ability to make a lot of money, and may or may not care about your looks .. as long as you are willing to have sex. Some women are more indepth.. meaning they look to see what your personality is more than they do anything else and this is what they base your worth on (these are usually the women after long term relationships). There are other women that are just out to see who they can use and what they can use them for... depending on what they need/want, thats what they base your liklihood of being a "good boyfriend". Now, not saying all these women are "good" choices... but I am saying that women are as diversified in what they look for in a man as men are when they look for a woman. Maybe you don't really want a long term relationship, or a family of your own. Maybe all you want is a short term relationship... or even a fling... in that case you can go to the superficial ones, the ones just looking for sex, and/or even the users if you don't mind being the victim of being used in the process of receiving a bit of love/gratification. If you want a long term relationship, then you need to focus on making your personality one that is desirable, and just making sure you have some form of income that is reliable coming in on a regular basis (it doesn't have to be a lot, women that want families though want to see that there is something coming in on a regular basis, we aren't afraid to help in that area if we need to but we want to feel like we aren't alone in trying to do that)

    As far as your work... if writing is not coming easy to you atm, perhaps you need to look for another temporary type job, whether you find it just by applying to places like fast food restaurants, bars, grocery stores, etc, or through a temp agency. You can always continue writing in your spare time, I strongly encourage you to do that in fact, as it gives you a purpose. If you find you cannot get employment right now, maybe consider filing for unemployment, or SSI, or disability, or food stamps, or other types of assistance programs that are out there?

    I also think perhaps you could benefit from therapy and/or a case manager to help you figure out how to get your life back on track... but do not keep telling yourself that nobody could possibly ever love you and that you are no good... those are self-defeating thoughts and wind up into self-defeating prophecies, simply because you condemn yoruself to them with your own beliefs. Don't fall into that trap... it's hard to get out of.
  3. CrazyCraig

    CrazyCraig Member

    What makes you think I don't try? I asked a girl out at work a month ago and it nearly came true, but then she realized I wanted it to be a date rather than just a couple of friends out for fun, and she turned me down. It was the first time I'd asked a girl out in six years.

    I've been on unemployement many times during the last eight years. It's no fun. In fact, I was out of work solidly during all of 2009. You just don't get enough money through state benefits.

    The one thing didn't mention in my story (so you would have no way of knowing) is that I've been to many therapists. It started in 2006 and was going well until I had to move out of L.A. back home. Here, I've only been able to see therpists sporatically because, once you have a job, you can never make the time to see a therapist. I liked my last therapist a lot (I saw her from January to May 2013) but once I got a job, we couldn't schedule any more sessions because she didn't do evening hours. I also tried prosac for a year or so, and that didn't work (I've got a long, hilarious story about my year on prosac that I won't get into now... nevertheless I must say that those who were supposed to help me get it only made me more stressed and crazy).

    Finally, and this may sound prideful, I just don't want to work in a supermarket or fastfood chain. I don't have the stamina and I don't like being pushed around. In 2011, I took a temp job at Comcast (a local cable/media company) that involved working with the public. Within a week, I had a breakdown at work and lost the job. I tried so hard, but something inside of me broke. I'm still ashamed of it.
  4. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    I'm glad to hear you have tried... a few here do not try, but... just because you have had one or maybe two or even three failed attempts at finding love... don't give up, get out there and try again.. like i said, women are very diverse, maybe you haven't found the right one yet.

    I had the same problem with working... it made me break down and i wound up in the psych hosp every 3 months for 1-2 wks at a time, after a few years of doing that, I gave in to my docs suggestion and applied for disabilty and have been on it ever since. Maybe thats something you should consider. I know living on benefits is not easy and that its not even fun... but its better than nothing. I too have had problems finding a psych/counselor... but mine comes in terms of the ones I have been too just outright telling me that my abuse is my fault, and that my problems aren't really as big as other people's therefore I should just get over it... not like it is very helpful when you hear that. Perhaps if you get on disability or etc, you can get that therapist that you liked back. Do not allow yourself to feel shame simply because you are mentally ill. Being mentally ill and not being able to perform certain jobs or tasks because of it, is the same equivalent of someone that has asthma not being able to run because it creates more problems with their asthma... its not a reflection on you, its just one of your limitations, and as long as you are actively looking for ways to help that limitation be less of a problem for you, there is no reason to feel shame. The only time you should feel shame is when you give up and allow it to control your life... but even then, don't allow yourself too much indulgence in shame, and instead just give yourself a good kick in the ass, and then get back up and try again....