My Story

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Vvaftb, Nov 3, 2014.

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  1. Vvaftb

    Vvaftb Member

    I was diagnosed with major depression one year and two months ago. Although I was only diagnosed little over a year ago I had been feeling that way for as long as I can remember. My depression caused me to with draw from activities that I had previously loved to do. I would make excuses for why I would withdraw from activities and they were usually really horrible lies that no one believed but they know it wasn't worth fighting me on it. At first it started slowly, I didn't enjoy playing volleyball anymore. Then I decided I never wanted to hang out with friends, then I didn't like drawing any more. It got to the point where I wouldn't leave my house. I didn't want to go to school and I would end up leaving half way through the day because I couldn't handle it.
    On my worst night I was having suicidal thoughts and that’s when I decided that I needed help. I was so worried about telling people just because of the stigma that depression has. Some people believe that depression is a tool for those who crave attention to get it and I didn't want people to believe that was me, the other stigma is that you are defective. Only “defective” people would have the thoughts I did right? one day i just broke down and couldn't do it anymore and my dad walked in on me trying to kill myself. he was so upset that i became upset not because i didn't want to die anymore but because i didn't want what i did to hurt anyone else. he then made me go to therapy but i knew that we couldn't afford it so i made them all believe that i was better. I was such a good liar that even my therapist believed that all the pain i was hiding was gone. she gave herself a pat on the back for curing another patient, my parents took home a kid who they thought was happy and healthy, and i locked everything down promising to never let them know that i am still just as bad as i had ever been.
    to this day they still believe that i am a happy person who can take on the world. but what they don't know is that i cry myself to sleep every night or that i break out in tears on my way to school. no one knows that i hate every part of myself and that i wish i could silently disappear into the background and die.
  2. Sophaloph

    Sophaloph Member

    I feel for you xxx I hope you can seek the help that you need and deserve xx
  3. K8E

    K8E Well-Known Member

    Talk to someone. A counsellor at school, a teacher you like or your parents. I am a parent and I would want to know that my child was suffering. They love you and the longer it goes on the worse they will feel when they do find out.
    Take care
  4. jell

    jell Well-Known Member

    I did exactly what you are doing and it doesn't go away if fact i ended up totally breaking down and regret not sorting it out when i was younger, i have lost a lot in my life now due to my illness and still struggle to talk when needed. you seem so desperate i just want you to get the help you need as it may look really black right now but it can get better you are not a weak person talking to someone it makes you stronger. i feel i just want to wrap my arms round you and give you a huge hug, try your hardest to be honest with yourself and others it can really help. i say it to my children all the time, only because i never did when I was at school and now I'm a mother of 4 who broke down when my fourth child came along, i try and work with younger people as i believe that there is too much stigma and not enough help for you guys. I'm sorry if this is just a garbled message but i just want to say there are people who care and want to help, just try and say something but don't beat yourself up if you can't explain it all, baby steps. take very good care of yourself
  5. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Seeing is Believing Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Be honest and restart therapy it's not easy.
  6. Vvaftb

    Vvaftb Member

    Thank you, your post was really nice. I want to get better and I know I need to try thank you.
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