My story

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by iamplagued, Apr 22, 2015.

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  1. iamplagued

    iamplagued New Member

    Hi, my name is <mod edit - personal details>, I have lived a life of disappointment and sorrow and I'm running out of ideas to keep myself going. I have been bullied my whole life for not being like anyone else and simply just being off or even just saying the wrong things and not knowing it was wrong at all. It has taken me forever to understand these things and when i did my depression and anxiety has gotten so deep and painful that i can barely even stand up and walk anymore. Im not one for crying yet all i want to do is fall over and cry my eyes out. Even when i was being bullied i would come home to drunken, sad and angry parents. A mother who was addicted to pills and she never seemed human, and a father who was overly violent and extremely closed minded. I have never been able to hold a relationship and friends. It seems like no matter how hard i try nothing is right with me. My mother and father finally decide to get a divorce, my mom could not take it so <mod edit - methods>. Dad was too drunk to really conprehend what was going on and sat there crying. For once in my life i decided to be strong, i kept pressure on the wound and saved her life. I even had to clean the blood <mod edit - graphic> off the floors for when she was dragged out by the paramedics. Even though the heroic act could shape someone, it did not for me. After leaving my relationship of three years, i had never experienced what feeling attractive was, so i slept around for a while just enjoying the posititve attention that i was acquiring from them. I made the mistake of sleeping with my ex and then sleeping with my current fiance the day that we met three days later, she of course found out and never let me live it down. She is not in the wrong because she was hurt and i do not feel negatively towards what she has to say. She became pregnant after a short time and i found out after i broke up with her due to problems with her friends and her not defending me. I wasnt able to believe her because she refused to let me take her to a doctor or even take a test. She took it as a trust problem and would not help me learn. I slept with some other people and I realize that was a mistake and I have No idea Why I did it. She finally sends me ultrasound pictures and my heart drops. I thought she was lying to me and I loved her so much But so many horrible things were said between the both of us it was hard to express my love to her. we get back together and she was told by me of the mistakes I made during the separation. She was completely heartbroken and it caused her to miscarry at 5 months. I proposed to her and lost my house due to trusting bad roommates and losing my job Due to mistakes made with getting a new career. Come to find out after all this she barely has months to live because of a heart condition . Life seems worthless without her, and the every day reminder of what happened kills me more and more every day. Yet she still loves me so much she Can't help But not forgive me for the things I have done. I'm afraid that when she goes I'll not be able to move on and I know I will take my own life
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 22, 2015
  2. ChestnutMay

    ChestnutMay Antiquities Friend

    This is a very sad story - I'm so sorry about your fiance. During these last months you have together, it might be best if you could put the past behind you. People do make mistakes and certainly it's best to address them, but I'm not sure this is a time to dwell on them. It is a time to treasure each other. Yes, she has problems trusting you because of the past - that just means you need to work extra hard to show her she can trust you now. Make it up to her by providing as much support and care as you can, but focus on the here and now, not the past.

    In the meantime, you need support for yourself, too. Is therapy an option for you? You need someone there to help you get through this. Plus you have had a lot of stuff happen in your life that it would probably help you to talk about with a therapist. You hold yourself responsible for a lot of the problems in your life - a good therapist will help you process your feelings of self-blame and help you learn how to avoid repeating the same mistakes over again. Plus there is obviously a lot of stuff that is completely not your fault that you need to deal with, like your mother's attempted suicide. He or she will also be able to help provide you with an outlet as you go through the next few months, and will help you grieve when the time comes. You still have a lot to live for - it is highly doubtful that your fiance would want you to give up on life.

    I'm sorry you're going through this, but you have shown yourself to be a strong person in the past and you can do it now. Please keep posting here - people are very caring and can provide a lot of comfort.
     
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