I have been struggling with depression since I was very young, primarily being an outcast, but still loved by my family. I've never attempted a threat on my life, but have constant thoughts of it at times, often fighting impulses that would have me do otherwise. I'm not sure what I'm looking for at this forum because I've yet to be able to figure out a solution to my problem. I have friends and family that I frequently visit, I'm somewhat fit, eat healthy most of the time, and have activities outside the house. I have been unemployed for a while, which has added to my stress. Up until now I've been able to get by just fine through meditation, however now that I'm older that doesn't seem to be enough. The passion I once had for work is gone, and I feel more and more alone even as parts of my life have gotten better. The truth is I've gotten lazy among other things, and my mind is in a bit of a cloud. It's a strange feeling for sure, even as I write this message it's as if I'm telling a story about another person rather than myself. I'm against the use of drugs (even though for some can be effective), and for me I don't believe they would help. I do not have an addictive personality, however I have found myself to waste time on the internet, so I may have a slight internet addiction. I've started many projects, although have had a difficult time finishing them. I see myself as if I'm on one side of a bridge crossing it. And where there used to be an apple tree on the other side, it is no longer there. So now I stand in the middle of the bridge with no reason to continue forward and no reason to turn back the way I came. I think to myself how it was pointless to walk halfway across the bridge since the apple tree is gone, and equally as pointless to walk back the way I came to where there is nothing. So then I sit on the edge of the bridge and ponder to myself what is there left to do if both sides of the bridge have nothing at the end of them? It occurs to me I could jump into the freezing water below, but that doesn't seem pleasant. So I wait... and wait... and as I wait the night approaches and I get cold anyway. So I think to myself, now the water doesn't seem all that bad because I'm already freezing. But I still wait... and wait... waiting for an idea, a way to warm up again. I try jumping around, rubbing my hands together, which provide temporary warmth until I get tiered. And now I'm tiered... so tiered. I just want to sleep. But every part of me is fighting it. Staying awake no matter what. And then I sit again on the edge of the bridge. Yes this is just a metaphor but an accurate description of the way I feel. I hear noise around me telling me I need psychiatric help, or drugs, and yet I don't see how that is a solution. How does that fix the route cause of the issue? If I were to solve it through my metaphor I would have myself plant a new apple tree where the old one used to stand. And how does that help me? It tells me I need a seed, a purpose to cross the bridge again. But I have no seed, only a shovel. I take comfort in certain writings such as this. A distraction from my daily life on the bridge. I'm full of distractions such as this. Without focus, without purpose. I see all my traits just like this shovel. A useless tool for where I am. I cannot fathom a way in which this tool could benefit me. As I said before I am lost. I can't see what I need to do. The only constant reminder is the freezing water below.