I'm Essiy. It's not my real name, but because of my situation, I can't say what my name is. I'm about to turn 23 years old, on October 3rd. My parents broke up when I was ten years old, but I've been struggling with depression since the age of seven. My first suicide attempt was when I was seven as well. I held a knife to my chest all night, crying. I have many scars there as a result. I was abused growing up by my father, he'd take me to doctors just to get them to say I was broken and a horrible child. He'd continually make up mental disorders and say I have them, he even made me take adult doses of Prozac before I even started puberty. About 4 years ago was when I was caught trying to do it. I was taken to a hospital where I was held in a room for my own safety. I can still remember the bed, how they stripped me of everything and had a camera directed at the toilet. It was the most humiliating thing I've ever gone through. I lied through my teeth to get out the following morning. I've suffered from De-personalization disorder since then. I left my family and my belongings behind and ran to live with my mother. I've had jobs on and off since then, I currently work in a fast food restaurant that I hate. Suicide wasn't something I thought about too much in the past few years. I had fallen in love with someone and we had plans to meet and work things out. It was going so well. Until she told me she didn't love me anymore and didn't want to see me. The reason I tried committing suicide 4 years ago was because I was studying as an MDR, a friend of mine committed suicide and I blamed myself for not saving him, I was sexually assaulted by a man in his 50's at the hospital I was interning at, working that job and my part time job and the girl I loved told me she never wanted to hear from me again because I started drinking and broke under the pressure. I feel my life falling apart again. My Mom has been threatening to kick me out for being gay and our roommate hates me. The only thing keeping me going (The visit) is gone. I don't get any hours at my job and I'm slipping back into self harm. I've been sober for two years but I want to drink on my birthday, no matter how drunk I get. I just want to see my friends happy one more time. I even know how I'm going to do it. <mod edit - methods> I can't fight anymore. I've never had a real relationship, nobody could love a thing like me. I'm not good enough to love, I'm not meant for it. I'm meant to suffer. I was raised to take the mental and emotional beatings so my sister could grow to be better than me. I took punishments so she would learn. I want to die. I just want to die.