my story ...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Airahaznila, May 26, 2007.

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  1. Airahaznila

    Airahaznila New Member

    1st of all i would like to say hi 2 u ppl.
    Been readin this forum for like 11 hours, and somehow i feel like i know u all now.:unsure: , got a bit confident after all this readin and now i can share my story with rest ....
    it all started bout 7 months ago ...... i got sick in winter, tought that it was somethin normal .. wut the f**k it was winter we all get sick :D... 2 week flyes and all the sudden the illness starts to get worse .. i went 2 a doctor he examined me and he said there nothin 2 worry bout its normal .... another week washe's down the toilet and my health has gone from worse to awfull, been havin chest pain and couldn't breath normal ...made it 2 the hospital... after long examination they said that i got TB :sad: ... been in the hospital 4 like 3 months and another 3 months home locked 4om the outside world :| .... after i cured i was so happy cuz i lived this awfull diseas.... after 6 months of no one around me except my mom, father and sys finaly i could see my friends and most important to me MY GIRLFRIEND ... she supported me all the time while i was at hospital and im thankfull 2 that...
    So i went 2 school and tryed 2 put my life on the right track again .. but that day was even worst then the one when i found that i had TB ... all the ppl started to talk around my back, started to point me with finger . :sad: :sad: ..... so i stoped going 2 school but my parents dont know that .. not even now ....cant bare 2 see them pointing at me again :( ....
    In this "spare time" when i was supposed 2 go 2 school i was makin my self new friends that dont know about my past ... all worked out ... till my girlfriend started 2 tell me that the luv feeling started 2 vanish day by day :sad: ... asked her 2day wut happened with her , and if there is still a "we"... she said its better not 2 answer that .... so its obvious that thats the end of my luv story :sad: ...
    Anyway ... the school is like 2 weeks from ending .... and soon my parents will find out that i havent been going 2 school ....
    Im feelin horrible ... my main support (my gf) starts to leave me, lost 1 year of highschool now, all my friends dont give a sh**t about me...
    Been havin deep suicidal toughts .... havent been eatin a bite of food 4 like 3 dayz now .. i just cant bare the pain anymore ....i just wana kill my self .. BUT 1 of my new friends found out about this ..... she said (yes its a she) .... that if i was going 2 suicide she will follow me ....:sad: now i duno wut 2 do ..... if im gona end my life she will 2 ... and i wouldnt forgive my self 4 that NEVER ...

    sorry 4 wastin ur time ... ohhh and 4 the bad spellin ... im romanian :tongue: ..... wish u all the best in this fu***d up world ..
  2. smackh2o

    smackh2o SF Supporter

    You must be going through stress like all hell right now. It is going to make you feel very crappy. Waiting for things to end and things to begin that you don't want to end and begin. But life has to change and sometimes it does it rapidly. Do you think about suicide because it feels like an escape machanism from all this stuff that has gone on?
    If I were you i'de confide in the girl who said she'd follow you and see why she would. She might have problems as well and you can lean on each other through this and bond more. Never waste a shoulder to cry on.
    At some point your parents will have to know why you havent been gonig to school. I did exactly the same for my uni course, its a horrible feeling waiting for their reaction. It sounds as if you care a lot about what people are thinking about you. Do you avoid situations such as going out?
    Theres loads of questions I could ask you right now but I don't want to come across as one. Keep posting !
  3. Tara

    Tara Guest

    ^^ what h2o said!

    im really sorry to hear what youve gone through :hug: it sounds like hell :(

    You really need to talk to your parents. tell them how you're feeling and why you didnt go back to school. 1 year out of school isnt too bad, you can always go back.

    I hope you can sort things out with your girlfriend, she seems lovely (being there for you) and it seems you really care about her too

    best of luck, keep safe :hug:
  4. SeemsPerfect

    SeemsPerfect Guest're a really strong person. I hope you give yourself credit for that. Basically I agree w/ H20 and Flstara.

    DEFINITELY talk with your friend who said she'd follow. I think just having someone else there who understands can make you both feel at least a little better. It shows you're not alone after all.

    I really think you should talk to your parents before the school year is over. You missed the majority of the time due to illness. That shouldn't count against you. The time you missed after returning to school still, in many ways, had to do with the illness you conquered.

    Maybe you'll be able to make up the work and still finish the year?
    Or maybe summer school?
    Is there another school you can consider transferring to for next year?

    Of course, you can always try to go back and face the problem also. My guess is you're strong enough to succeed no matter what you decide.

    Good luck and I'm glad you're healthy again!
  5. Airahaznila

    Airahaznila New Member

    hard 4 me to type the answer .. but yes .. :sad: , in 3 dayz i sleeped 4 about 3 hours ... my mind is filled with questions .. everytime i try to shake the suicide feeling .. its comes right back ....

    yes she does have problems 2 .... with her parents as well .... she tryied bout 10 times to suicide ... every time failed ....

    No. I dont wana get out of my house or room w/e ->> only when i start thinkin bout wut i have done ..... when im in horrible pain and suicidal toughts i just stay in my room in the dark... and try 2 do my best 2 keep my self away 4om sayin goodbye ..:sad: like i am doing now ..

    Hope i can answer 2 all of em..... if i know the answers i will tell you ...

    tryied many times ... everytime when i say in my mind: this is it now or never .. im walkin towards my parents and then i just CANT ... im afraid ..

    Can't.... tried but i can't keep my mind focused on the things that happens in front of me ....

    thank u 2 ppl 4 ur care ....4now im gona keep on fightin with my toughts ..... hope its not the last time i post ...:sad:
    Last edited by a moderator: May 26, 2007
  6. SeemsPerfect

    SeemsPerfect Guest

    We all hope it's not the last time you post. We want you around! :smile:

    I honestly think your parents are so happy that you're healthy again that they're not going to go crazy about you missing school.

    Will they be happy you haven't been going to school? Of course not. But I think if you explain to them what happened they may be understanding.

    Maybe you can talk to one parent first instead of talking to them both at the same time. It may even help if you do so when you and a parent are out of the house. Maybe go to lunch or run an errand together. It worked for me once.
  7. smackh2o

    smackh2o SF Supporter

    Your sounding pretty down about things. Being sad can affect the way your mind works so the work at the moment should be put on standby anyway and you've got options like Seemsperfect said. Just don't worry about it for now, take some of the stress off and know that you can catch up later on, it's perfectly possible.
    Doctors can be a major help but they can also feel a bit uncaring sometimes so if you ever do decide to go for a doctors visit don't be daunted by a coldish response where you are maybe expecting hugs and stuff. All the hugs are on here lol.
    It's good to understand why you feel these things though, and what may have caused them, and what might also be wrong with you, for example depression, anxieties etc...
    You can usually tell with the way it affects your motivation to do things.

    I recommend you and your friend have a heart to heart about things and you both plan to help each other, it's much better than you both dying. You don't want each other to die so do each other the service of talking about things.
    And flirt is right, you need to tell you folks realistically. Also, try and figure out easier ways of telling your parents. One I always suggest is writing it all down on paper, posting it through the front door and going for a big walk to clear your head. It takes the confrontation of it slightly.

    Take care and keep posting!
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