This will be my 1000th post when I hit enter. So I decided to make it count. I joined this forum on 3rd January 2006 which means I have been here 18 months and 2 days. A lot of new faces have joined, and often when I come to seek help no one knows me and I cant start from scratch. I dont want to go on and on and on.. so I wont write the masses I have in the past lol.. I will summarise.. .... I just started to write and a whole load came out. But I dont want to ramble on. Theres so much pain if I start I might never stop. So I will carefully summarise this time, but bear in mind it is told in this way to stop the pain overtaking me, and not because these were trifling events. To me they were the end of the world kind of events, everyones emotional pain barrier varies.. Perfect Childhood (it seemed). Family very focused on my older sister Laura who was severely disabled (mucopolysachridosis disease). Mum, dad, two elder sisters all present. Laura died at 9, when I was 7. We were very very close, we spent all our time together, playing, eating, sleeping etc. I fell apart. Dad stopped speaking to me and my Mum at 12. Locked himself in the front room and wouldnt let us in there. My oldest sister Jemma however was allowed in there, and he would talk to her. He never explained why. This caused me severe insecurities that I doubt will ever go away. Sister (J) tortured me. Hitting me and if i hit back shed remind me she was stronger than me and hit me harder, but mostly I would hide from her so physical abuse was very rare.. mostly it would just be constant undermining and criticism and name calling, if i objected she would threaten to hit me.. Dad left us at 13. I still see him but we are not emotionally close. I still crave his love but I never get it, so I am constantly hurt, so now, 7 years after he left us, I am trying not to be too involved. Moved city at 14. 100 miles away from my Dad and his new family, and my sisters ashes. At 15 began to self harm. Saw first counsellor, who was nice. Saw first 2 GP Doctors who were terrible, told me it was my age. (From 15 - 20 I have seen 10 GPs, 2 psychiatrists, a family therapist, 1 psychologist and 5 counsellors total. Mostly for just assessments. The counsellors, who I talked to long term, were all very concerned about me, the professionals who I talked to for an hour each told me to 'get a counsellor' (I already had one), that it was 'my age' (even though it had lasted years already' and to 'try yoga') At 15 I began dating my first.. boyfriend.. we will call him that. My eldest sisters best friend Jase. He was 27. He refused to wear a condom. I was worried because my sister Lauras disease was genetic, so this distressed me alot, but if I objected he would convince me to do things anyway or if I still said no, he would do it without my consent. We were engaged and I thought you had to make sacrafices. At 16 I went into sixth form, stopped going to classes, spent all my time locked in toilets cutting myself. Broke up with Jason because I fell for someone else. After splitting up with Jase it took me a few months before what had been happening hit me. My new boyfriend Chris was OCD, bi polar, in a wheelchair and self absorbed. He always had to be right which meant I always had to be wrong. While I was dealing with the emotional backlash of my relationship with Jason he ignored me, put me down, criticised me, and constantly reminded me that 'my problems werent as bad as his'. Chris is now out of the wheelchair, on medication that has his mental symptoms almost entirely under control and he is training to be a nurse which he always wanted. Keep reading to see where I am now.. Chris and I didnt have much sexual contact in the year we were together. Sometimes I would "do it for his sake" (a very stupid thing to do, dont do it, not ever). Which killed me to do it. After our relationship ended Chris said he could "see the pain in my eyes" when I "forced myself" to do it. I hate him more than Jason for that. Jason was self absorbed and stupid, but he didnt know what he was doing, Chris knew what it was doing to me and still carried on... Split up with Chris after he broke off our engagement to move to London suddenly. I failed my courses at sixth form and went to a college to start over. Met Nick, boyfriend 3 who was lovely. We didnt have much sexual contact but we were together 2 years and slowly built up trust etc. Meanwhile my depression worsened, I was cutting myself almost every day. When my mum went into hospital for 2 months and I was left at home to fend for myself (now 18) I stopped leaving the house. Nick had to bring food to me as I simply wouldnt go outside or sometimes get out of bed. When he went to stay with his brother over the weekend I didnt eat for 4 days, simply because I didnt want to go out to get food. Eventually dropped out of college and was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder. Have been mainly housebound ever since, with my longest period indoors straight being 3 months, but mostly now it is broken up with visists to my grandparents or the doctors once a week. After 2 years Nick and I split up, we were best friends and I loved him dearly but I wasnt in love with him. I then met Joe, my current boyfriend who I intend on spending the rest of my life with. So where am I now? Diagnosises: Mood Dysthymia "Dysthymia, or dysthymic disorder, is a form of the mood disorder of depression characterised by a lack of enjoyment/pleasure in life that continues for at least six months" Social Anxiety Disorder Social anxiety, sometimes known as social phobia or social anxiety disorder (SAD), is a common form of anxiety disorder that causes sufferers to experience intense anxiety in some or all of the social interactions and public events of everyday life. (Extreme: Inability to leave the house) Paranoia Believe people can hear my thoughts if I think mean things about them Anger I have violent images of stabbing people / beating them about the head, if I believe they are looking at me, I think this is because I know they are disgusted when they see me Low Self Esteem Understatement of the century. I wont bother explaining how low it is, everyone believes they have the worlds lowest self esteem so I wont convince you otherwise. Acute Depressive Episodes No shit eh? Suicidal thoughts 2 years now Self harm Slowing down now, I no longer feel the need to self harm as the pain doesnt mean anything to me anymore. Im not searching for a temporary escape from my pain, it needs to be permenant. I always thought not self harming would be a good thing, but for me its scary, I know that I have stopped because its not enough, and I need to die. To date suicide attempts: Serious: 4 Semi serious: 3 Non serious: 17 By semi serious I mean ones where I am genuinely going to kill myself but someone has talked to me out of it or to the point where I loose my anger, I can only be self destructive with the energy of anger to help me, sadness cannot give me the energy for death. By non serious I mean ones where I have changed my mind half way through / mid overdose etc.. Currently I have no friends in real life. None. I havent really been out in 2 years now. I was on prozac but it wasnt working so the GPs waiting for my next psychiatric assesment to see what to try (shes run out of ideas). I have an amazing boyfriend, who I am utterly crap to. I am very overweight. I often take small ammounts of pain killers then change my mind and stop. We no longer keep any tablets or glass glasses (as in drinking glasses made of glass, ours are plastic now) in the house. I tried to have myself commited but was told that because I am aware I am in serious danger of killing myself my mental state is not unstable enough to be admitted into hospital in the UK I am currently recieving no treatment despite going to the doctor since I was 15, persistently, asking for help. I sleep when I am exhausted or I have anxiety attacks in my bed, I only eat if I can be bothered and I am addicted to coca cola. My last overdose ended me up in hospital and my sister (J) who has now moved out and back down near my dad and my dad demanded to know why I did it. I wrote them a letter explaining how I felt about life. Both have had mental break downs, my dad is on valium and my sister is taking cocainne again after being clean for 2 years. My ex boyfriend Nick dropped out of university and also had a break down. I just got a puppy and he is called Jasper. So this is me. I have a million layers of guilt shame shit and tears. Hi.