My Story

Discussion in 'Domestic Abuse' started by ex abuser, Aug 13, 2007.

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  1. ex abuser

    ex abuser New Member

    My Story
    I am a 46 year old male. I have 3 daughters. I am going through a divorce after 21 years of marriage. Reading the threads and other links, I think that I was an abusive husband. My wife left with the kids in April. Since then I have been trying to find out who I am. I always considered my self a kind, gentle and very giving man; however, I had a dark side. On the surface we were the all American family. None of my friends could believe that my wife left me. Thru months of research, therapy, meditation and prayer, this is what I have found.
    I am what Dr. Stephan Poulter calls a lost son. My father was neglectful, verbally and physically abusive. I am the youngest of 5 children. My father would beat me almost every day for things that I did wrong. He would stop only after he felt better. He died when I was 17. I never had the chance to confront him as an adult. I asked my older sister what she remembered of dad. She said, “He was mean, and you got the brunt of it”. I did remember how mean he was. I swore after he died, that I would not carry on the same to my kids. I did not. My wife took the full force of all my anger. You see, after my dad died, I packed up all my pain and locked it inside of me. The pain turned into anger. :mad:
    The next thing that I found is that I have Intermittent Explosive Disorder. Intermittent explosive disorder (IED) is characterized by repeated episodes of aggressive, violent behavior that are grossly out of proportion to the situation. Individuals with intermittent explosive disorder may attack others and their possessions, causing bodily injury and property damage. Later, they may feel remorse, regret or embarrassment about the aggression.
    Look these two up on the internet. I was fascinated by what I found.:eek:hmy:
    During the 21 years of marriage, I slapped my wife twice, and yelled at her numerous times. I have broken things in the house, and put holes in the walls. She got the very best of me, and the very worst of me. No wonder she left. I still care for her deeply, and am severely depressed over what I have done. Living alone for 4 months gave me a real chance to reflect about my life. My children have forgiven me, and I have a great relationship with them. I just hope that one day my wife can forgive me. She said that she can never trust me again. I know that I have changed, but I still have a long way to go.
    Because of the abuse in my childhood, I have thought of suicide many times as a kid. I haven’t thought of it again until my wife left me. The problem is that the thought of committing suicide does not scare me. Depression does not scare me. I feel that I have been depressed for most of my life.
    I am writing this to help others. I do not anyone else to go thru the pain that I have gone thru. If you know someone that has anger or aggression issues, please get them help. There is help out there. Because I waited too long, I lost everything.:sad:
    My wife said she could not talk to me about my anger because she was scared. Her friends would not talk to me because they were scared too. She told all her friend what was going on, and about leaving me. She did not tell me. She did not try to actively help me.
    After writing this I realize that I am an ex abuser. I am on the same path as a recovering alcoholic. I take life one day at a time. I am starting my life over, and I am getting help for my children. I am determined to break the chain of abuse.
  2. thedeafmusician

    thedeafmusician Staff Alumni

    Forgiving someone is one of the hardest things anyone can possibly do. To be honest? You sound quite a lot like my own dad. I walked in on him trying to kill himself once, and he has been abusive quite a bit in the past, as well as an excessive drinker.

    That said though, it's very good to hear that you've acknowledged what you have done in the past and that you want to put it behind you. Mind you, 21 years of marriage is a long time. You can't really cut 21 years of knowing each other just like that. I think that one day your wife *will* find it in herself to forgive you. But first, I think that the both of you need to give it some time. Lots of time. Take care.

    Welcome to the forum.

  3. ex abuser

    ex abuser New Member

    How long will it take?
    She was everything to me, maybe too much. I gave her everything I had to give, all of the good and all of the bad. The bad out weighed the good. For the first 2 month of the separation my wife and talked almost everyday. She has this male friend that has been counseling her. He has been talking to her for over a year now. She went on vacation with him, one of my daughters and his son. Now she won’t even talk to me. Everything is done thru e-mail or the lawyers. The week before she went on vacation, we had dinner together. We talked about getting thru this and getting back together. Now I see no future for us at all.
    I have taken the Burns Depression test. I am at 76.
    How do you get thru losing someone after 21 years together? Knowing that she is out there, but wants nothing to do with you.
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